SUBLIME SUNLIGHT: Fruitarian Bliss

This played on the bus this morning as we drove through paradise in the sunshine:)

Before sunrise with my breakfast of nectar- soursop
♥

I just got back from one of the best days of my entire life. I was thinking today about how I just seem to feel happier and happier each day, regardless of what happens, and I decided I'd share how my life was before. This evening my mom wrote me a letter telling me she was concerned about me after reading my blog, and that some of my readers would probably be worried about my talk of fasting and feeling so peaceful and happy. I just began to laugh because my mom thought I was just trying to be positive but I must be hiding some problems underneath. I completely understand because she hasn't seen me truly happy in probably longer than she can remember. I've put her through hell with my suffering. Anyway, this blog is about truth, and I'm not hiding anything, I swear. I'm truly happier and more at peace than I ever thought I could be. For me, feeling like this is completely alien. Just a few minutes ago I was sitting in my bed giggling, just because I feel so happy. I can't remember doing that since I was a little kid. For the past 5 years my life has been a living hell. My family, and especially my mom, knows a lot of what I've been through, but for the most part I've kept everything hidden. When I was 17 my whole life began to crumble. I manifested an intense eating disorder, that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fight. Sure, there were times when I was able to gain a little control and get my weight up, stop puking up everything I ate, but the pain was still there, so sharp I could barely breathe sometimes. With that came a depression that was so deep I forgot what happiness felt like. I was convinced it was some emotion that people pretended to have, just covering up how miserable having to live really was. I spent years, hiding away, crying and thinking of almost nothing but death, bingeing and purging and cutting myself to try to numb the pain.

Shortly before leaving for Hawaii. I vowed I'd do everything I could to leave the pain behind me.

Then I got here, and immediately I could feel Pele, forcing me to face my demons. It was intense, and it really hurt for a little while. Then I just decided to stop fighting it. What if everything I had ever thought was a lie? I decided to reconsider all my beliefs which I was using as an identity. Anything I felt absolutely sure of, I questioned. And now everything is valid. I'm just not fighting anymore. It's such a relief. I'm not going to say the depression is gone for good, the eating disorders either, but right now I am free, and all that matters is now.