SUBLIME SUNLIGHT: Life is Sweet:)

For some reason I was feeling a little depressed earlier in the day. I was talking to my mom, complaining about going hungry yesterday, and not having food today, and it hit me after that how utterly ridiculous I was sounding. I was playing the pity card, and for no real reason at all. After I got off the phone (I found a wireless place in Pahoa, a museum that sells smoothies) I sat and thought about how fortunate I was and for how many things I was thankful for. The bus came and picked me up, and I did feel a lot better, just by changing my reaction to the situation. I was tired, and having to walk home without food was challenging, but just as I was getting to my road I saw a man selling fruit. I figured it was just another person selling green bananas, but it was worth a look. I asked if he had anything ripe, and he said that yes, it was all ripe, and it was. He sold me a champedak, my very first one(the last one I got was actually a champejak, a mix of jakfruit and champedak) for only $4. He warned me though, that it was so ripe it was about to burst all over me. He also sold me some wi(pronounced "vee")apples. He told me they were sort of like mangoes, and very ripe. They were very large and 3 for $1! I happily walked back home with my arms loaded with goodies, so hungry I just wanted to sit in the road and start eating. I found a very soft eggfruit that the chickens were after so I picked that up and brought it back to my home. Josanna's fruit stand had some star apples(they taste like creamsickles to me, very strange, but very delicious) and 2 perfectly ripe rollinias which I bought for $6 total. I decided to start by eating the champedak since I was afraid it might not last too much longer, and the smell was making my mouth water. I opened it up and saw what looked like little jakfruit sections, but they were a creamy yellowish white. I thought maybe they weren't properly ripened - until I took a bite. I felt the taste of this fruit with my entire body. So sweet, so creamy, it was like I left my seat in the grass and floated up into the clouds. I just sat there, lost in time, eating almost the entire fruit. As soon as I finished I felt so refreshed and alive. My body craved movement.
I decided to get on my bike and head to the beach, just 6kms down the road. I felt so alive. I took my towel to lie in the sun, surrounded by palm trees. I forgot my camera, but I'll bring it with me next time. After I felt filled with the light of the sun I went to swim in the gigantic hot pond. It was almost deserted so I just floated on my back with my eyes closed. A very powerful healing transformation took place in the water there. As I lied there I imagined a healing energy enveloping me in the water. I went back to a place that was before my time in the womb, where I was completely nurtured, with limitless energy and potential. I let the water carry me, and I surrendered to it completely. Afterwards I felt a new sense of life within me, and the bicycle ride home was effortless, my body was moving like it was born to. I felt no sense of fatigue. Every hill I climbed at the most difficult speed on my bike and felt like I was barely moving. I was weightless.

For so many years I tortured myself, wanting to disappear to a point where I would not leave a footstep and no one would see me. Now I have found this weightlessness, but in a way that is filled with grace. I'm in my element now and the earth surrounds me with its loving embrace. I don't pollute my mother earth by driving a car, by eating food that's been shipped around the globe, by pouring chemicals onto my body and then into the water. I don't pollute my body with food that is half rotten, or has been sitting on a shelf for 6 months. I eat mostly organic, and all the fruit I eat has been grown locally, a large percentage of it within feet of where I live. I don't mean to criticize anyone who still relies on things that aren't ideal, for there is a time for everything, and for me I think that time has passed, but I can't see the future, and one never knows what is to come.

It's strange, sometimes I'll go the entire day without uttering a word and I don't even notice until for some reason I need to say something. Even then, I usually only speak a few words. It wasn't my intention to become silent here, but it is something I have wanted to do for a very long time. It's very scary sometimes, to a degree you can only imagine, but isn't it always scary to meet the person you know you will spend the rest of your life with? It's also very magical, learning what love really is, and what it isn't.

I meditate every morning now. You don't know how strange that is to me. For years I have read and learned of the benefits of meditation, but have only attempted a couple times. Just sitting there, alone, even for a minute was too daunting. I guess it's like that for a lot of people, that's why we have excuses of why we can't do it, or why now isn't the right time in our lives. The right time for it is when we decide to do it. Forcing isn't the way. If I don't want to I won't, as simple as that. I am gradually increasing my time, finding that the time I started with just isn't as much as I would like. I end each meditation, usually completely amused by the fact that I don't want to be finished. It makes me feel more peaceful, and increases my sense of gratitude for every gift that I have been given.

I watch the law of attraction in action here, and it keeps amazing me how quickly absolutely everything I think about manifests. It's unbelievable. There is so much magic in the land here. Where I am now is some of the newest land on the planet, with so much energy and potential within it. I still haven't made it to my property on cinder road, but I think I'll head out there tomorrow. I did walk a short ways onto the road while I was waiting for the bus and the energy was so vibrant. There was so little traffic. Just one nice lady who sits at the end of the road selling a few fruits and veggies. As soon as I move there I'm going to grow so much food. I was planning it today, thinking about growing tomatoes, squash, peppers, melons, and other things that will fruit very quickly, and I will sell those at the end of the road or at the Green Lake Friday Fruit Market, just down the road. I was also thinking what an amazing retreat I could start there if I needed money to pay for the land. The silence down there is amazing, and I could build a tiny Bali hut as a meditation retreat. Everything good in life is free though, I can really see that now.

I still have yet to meet any friends here, but I guess it isn't the time for that right now. I can feel things falling into place just as they're meant to, and when I need a friend, one will be there. I have gotten to spend my time in silence to think about being completely alone, and what that means to me. I've always wondered if, to get to our highest spiritual potential, we need to be alone, and I've been thinking about that so much lately. I haven't really come to a conclusion, and I don't know if there is one. Being alone with myself is very special, but being with others is so important to me as well. I learn so much both ways, and I cherish both, but I don't feel like we're meant to have one without the other.

I guess I've gone on long enough for today. The sun is setting, and my alertness is going with it. To all my family, I love you and miss you, and hopefully I'll talk to you soon..