Humility

I'm currently in the midst of a very humbling situation. It's very intense and I've sat here for hours today just crying. Yesterday I became very sick. My stomach and intestines are hurting and burning a lot, and last night I was throwing up, dehydrated, and with a massive migraine headache. Late into the night I was awake, in so much pain that I just prayed for death. I wanted to scream, but knew it wouldn't change anything. I was forced to be completely present. I could not think one moment in the past or future because the pain kept me completely in the now. It was very scary and I felt more vulnerable than I have ever felt in my life. It's morning now and I'm still shaking uncontrollably, my head pounding in pain. I'm so weak I feel like I can't even get out of bed.

Yesterday's events played a big role in my physical breakdown. I was surrounded by too many people and I felt like my personal space was completely invaded. Everyone's energy seemed so intense and it was everywhere, surrounding me, and I couldn't breathe. Too many people, and too long in a very crowded area with so much noise, smoking, pollution.

Everything I'm going through is teaching me a new respect for myself. I keep thinking that I'm like most everyone else and should react like them, but I know I'm more sensitive, and instead of seeing that as a weakness I could see it as a gift. I sort of feel like I'm meeting myself for the first time. It's very strange finding out so many things about myself that I had no idea of. I'm not dismissing my feelings and reactions anymore. I came here largely on a journey to embrace my true goddess nature, not even knowing what that would entail, but I think it is being given to me. There are no mistakes, and I truly have no regrets. I know it is all a gift, even if I can't always see it.   

So where now? I don't know. I know I want to respect myself in every way possible, and that is such a change from how it has been for so long. I'm only beginning to see the damage, the punishment I have laid on myself for so many years. Somewhere along the line I stopped listening to myself, and when I watch my mind now I see that most things I do and think are an attempt to hurt myself more, to neglect my inner child who is too traumatized to even cry out anymore. Things are changing though and it is so beautiful to see. So for now I will sit here watching, smiling, crying, just being here.