With Great Expectations...

We're told to expect great things, or sometimes even mediocre things, but always to plan ahead. When I went through some of my worst depression and was put into the hospital all the therapists wanted to know what my future plans were. When I told them I didn't have any and wanted to live in the present they told me that was my problem and insisted I come up with a five year plan. I've had a lot of days now, just sitting here, looking at my expectations, and realizing that they are what brings suffering. When in your mind you see things going a certain way and then they don't, you feel like you did something wrong, or that life just isn't working in your favour, and that can make you cynical, depressed, angry, and you might lose hope when nothing was wrong in the first place. Can anything ever really go wrong? Deep down I really don't think it can. We all have these ideals on the surface, every one of us, but they're all different. All our opinions on what is right and wrong, they were born through culture, on ideas that mostly haven't been around for very long. If I really look within I see that almost everything I've believed is untrue.

My body has been sick the past few days, resisting food very strongly. I'm mostly at peace with it though. When I think about this wonderful life that I live, of every beautiful moment I've been given, how can I be ungrateful? That doesn't mean I'm not going to do everything I can to heal. I'm just not going to fight the reality of this moment. I got a book entitled "Instinctive Nutrition". It was recommended in that book I read last month about instinctive eating. It's strange to be reading these books which aren't supportive of vegan diets, or really any labels at all. Reading them is helping me to become more humble. You know how when you believe in something like veganism, treading lightly on the earth, or living a certain way, and you feel superior to have this label, and everyone you talk to you feel like you want to convince them that what you're doing is right? It's not a good feeling to me, very defensive. Well, what if we could let it all go? What would it be like to be nothing and to be everything all at once? To love everyone and everything because the world is so perfect just the way it is? I think it is the deepest peace, a life of surrender and unconditional love.

My sleep cycle is becoming so in tune with nature. When the sun starts to go down in the afternoon, around 6:30, I begin to feel very calm and sleepy. It's funny, I have a solar light in my cabin, but I rarely use it. I'm beginning to feel like artificial lighting confuses me, and the light of the day is all I want. So, as it gets dark out I relax in my big comfy bed(the one I dreamed about for so long), and I fall into the deepest, most peaceful sleep I've ever known. I wake up in the morning, usually a half hour or an hour before the sun rises. I find that a really good time to meditate, and then watch the sun kiss the trees as it comes up. There's something so magical in the sun's light. In the morning, when I have my long walk to the bus stop, I get to feel the early morning sun on my skin, and it just feels like pure unconditional love, the most beautiful thing in the world.

I got a rollinia that weighed about 4 pounds yesterday. It was so ripe it was falling apart, oozing custard, so I got a deal on it. I have another variety of jakfruit that the man down the road says I will love, but it won't be ripe for a couple more days. I also have some organic mameys from the fruit stand here. This food wasn't cheap, but I need to do what is necessary to eat right now.

I've been going through a very intense period this past week. I spent two days in complete solitude, not uttering a single word, passing through so many emotional states. Then I talked with my family yesterday and I missed them so much. I felt so lonely and out of place. I didn't know who I was anymore or what I wanted. In the afternoon I fell into deep depression and I felt doomed to spend the rest of the day alone. I was so restless, my thoughts racing, so I decided to go for a walk. I walked for hours and hours, allowing the thoughts and emotions to be. I realized that so much, if not all of my suffering was being caused through my resistance to going through what I was going through. I noticed repetitive thoughts: "I can't go through this again. I was over this. I've suffered enough. I don't deserve this. I'm different. I've changed. This isn't how I wanted my life to go." And through it all I noticed expectations of this person I was suppossed to be now. I saw myself as being through all my depression and emerging as a different person. I've spent so long in such fear of going back to who I was, in such a tight state of resistance, that through it I became who I've been for a very long time: Someone who resists what is, so lives in suffering. What if I could let go and be free to experience anything, even things which in the past I have labelled as wrong or bad?

As I walked yesterday I looked at everything around me, all the trees, the rocks, the animals, living in complete peace. I'm learning so much from them. They seem to resist nothing, to be so completely present and alive. I realized that as long as you're thinking you can't really see. When my dad put me into art classes when I was 14 the teacher told me that through art we were learning to see. I remember contemplating what she said, wondering what she'd meant by it. Had we not been seeing things our entire lives? As I drew I always thought about what she said and I began to notice that when I truly saw something as it was there were no thoughts. When I truly became one with my art my mind became empty and I became filled with so much joy and peace. It's been a long time since I've been in that state. Shortly after finding such fulfillment in art I stopped because of expectations I had for myself. People began to praise my work and suddenly all I cared about was pleasing them, every one of them, and art became a chore. The thoughts of failure would rush with every brushstroke and I began to hate it. So I stopped. For a little while I tried to gain back the acceptance I felt in the beginning when I did art just for me, but I never found it. For me expectations are a curse. So for today, I vow to let it be, every moment, exactly as it is.

Land of cinders, my tropical desert

4 pounds of rollinia cream:)

It was so delicious!

Durian tree is growing beautifully:)

 

Fresh baby durian I bought

It was so amazing!!!Vanilla cream! I planted the sprouting seed:)

Local Kalapana mango...need I say why I want to live there?

Yesterdays abundance:)

The Green Goddess

She shares her wisdom

Life is Sweet:)

For some reason I was feeling a little depressed earlier in the day. I was talking to my mom, complaining about going hungry yesterday, and not having food today, and it hit me after that how utterly ridiculous I was sounding. I was playing the pity card, and for no real reason at all. After I got off the phone (I found a wireless place in Pahoa, a museum that sells smoothies) I sat and thought about how fortunate I was and for how many things I was thankful for. The bus came and picked me up, and I did feel a lot better, just by changing my reaction to the situation. I was tired, and having to walk home without food was challenging, but just as I was getting to my road I saw a man selling fruit. I figured it was just another person selling green bananas, but it was worth a look. I asked if he had anything ripe, and he said that yes, it was all ripe, and it was. He sold me a champedak, my very first one(the last one I got was actually a champejak, a mix of jakfruit and champedak) for only $4. He warned me though, that it was so ripe it was about to burst all over me. He also sold me some wi(pronounced "vee")apples. He told me they were sort of like mangoes, and very ripe. They were very large and 3 for $1! I happily walked back home with my arms loaded with goodies, so hungry I just wanted to sit in the road and start eating. I found a very soft eggfruit that the chickens were after so I picked that up and brought it back to my home. Josanna's fruit stand had some star apples(they taste like creamsickles to me, very strange, but very delicious) and 2 perfectly ripe rollinias which I bought for $6 total. I decided to start by eating the champedak since I was afraid it might not last too much longer, and the smell was making my mouth water. I opened it up and saw what looked like little jakfruit sections, but they were a creamy yellowish white. I thought maybe they weren't properly ripened - until I took a bite. I felt the taste of this fruit with my entire body. So sweet, so creamy, it was like I left my seat in the grass and floated up into the clouds. I just sat there, lost in time, eating almost the entire fruit. As soon as I finished I felt so refreshed and alive. My body craved movement.
I decided to get on my bike and head to the beach, just 6kms down the road. I felt so alive. I took my towel to lie in the sun, surrounded by palm trees. I forgot my camera, but I'll bring it with me next time. After I felt filled with the light of the sun I went to swim in the gigantic hot pond. It was almost deserted so I just floated on my back with my eyes closed. A very powerful healing transformation took place in the water there. As I lied there I imagined a healing energy enveloping me in the water. I went back to a place that was before my time in the womb, where I was completely nurtured, with limitless energy and potential. I let the water carry me, and I surrendered to it completely. Afterwards I felt a new sense of life within me, and the bicycle ride home was effortless, my body was moving like it was born to. I felt no sense of fatigue. Every hill I climbed at the most difficult speed on my bike and felt like I was barely moving. I was weightless.

For so many years I tortured myself, wanting to disappear to a point where I would not leave a footstep and no one would see me. Now I have found this weightlessness, but in a way that is filled with grace. I'm in my element now and the earth surrounds me with its loving embrace. I don't pollute my mother earth by driving a car, by eating food that's been shipped around the globe, by pouring chemicals onto my body and then into the water. I don't pollute my body with food that is half rotten, or has been sitting on a shelf for 6 months. I eat mostly organic, and all the fruit I eat has been grown locally, a large percentage of it within feet of where I live. I don't mean to criticize anyone who still relies on things that aren't ideal, for there is a time for everything, and for me I think that time has passed, but I can't see the future, and one never knows what is to come.

It's strange, sometimes I'll go the entire day without uttering a word and I don't even notice until for some reason I need to say something. Even then, I usually only speak a few words. It wasn't my intention to become silent here, but it is something I have wanted to do for a very long time. It's very scary sometimes, to a degree you can only imagine, but isn't it always scary to meet the person you know you will spend the rest of your life with? It's also very magical, learning what love really is, and what it isn't.

I meditate every morning now. You don't know how strange that is to me. For years I have read and learned of the benefits of meditation, but have only attempted a couple times. Just sitting there, alone, even for a minute was too daunting. I guess it's like that for a lot of people, that's why we have excuses of why we can't do it, or why now isn't the right time in our lives. The right time for it is when we decide to do it. Forcing isn't the way. If I don't want to I won't, as simple as that. I am gradually increasing my time, finding that the time I started with just isn't as much as I would like. I end each meditation, usually completely amused by the fact that I don't want to be finished. It makes me feel more peaceful, and increases my sense of gratitude for every gift that I have been given.

I watch the law of attraction in action here, and it keeps amazing me how quickly absolutely everything I think about manifests. It's unbelievable. There is so much magic in the land here. Where I am now is some of the newest land on the planet, with so much energy and potential within it. I still haven't made it to my property on cinder road, but I think I'll head out there tomorrow. I did walk a short ways onto the road while I was waiting for the bus and the energy was so vibrant. There was so little traffic. Just one nice lady who sits at the end of the road selling a few fruits and veggies. As soon as I move there I'm going to grow so much food. I was planning it today, thinking about growing tomatoes, squash, peppers, melons, and other things that will fruit very quickly, and I will sell those at the end of the road or at the Green Lake Friday Fruit Market, just down the road. I was also thinking what an amazing retreat I could start there if I needed money to pay for the land. The silence down there is amazing, and I could build a tiny Bali hut as a meditation retreat. Everything good in life is free though, I can really see that now.

I still have yet to meet any friends here, but I guess it isn't the time for that right now. I can feel things falling into place just as they're meant to, and when I need a friend, one will be there. I have gotten to spend my time in silence to think about being completely alone, and what that means to me. I've always wondered if, to get to our highest spiritual potential, we need to be alone, and I've been thinking about that so much lately. I haven't really come to a conclusion, and I don't know if there is one. Being alone with myself is very special, but being with others is so important to me as well. I learn so much both ways, and I cherish both, but I don't feel like we're meant to have one without the other.

I guess I've gone on long enough for today. The sun is setting, and my alertness is going with it. To all my family, I love you and miss you, and hopefully I'll talk to you soon..


 

Silence at sunrise

The quilt is well on its way:)

Happy Morning

Super yummy champedak

Fruitarian Abundance:)

Glowing eggfruit-so much life!

The organic super local collection:)

Lizard Love

Wild Child

Disappearing for a While

start of the quilt I'm making...I'm actually almost half done by now, but didn't take another photo

my magical room:)

New home, new friend

right outside my window. All through the night I smell flowers

I got a rollinia from Josannas fruit stand!

Mmmm, tasted like fresh lemon custard:)

comfy bed:)

Notcie the words above my door- that's why I'm here

 

Silent reverence

I got to Josanna's Organics 2 days ago and have been living on complete silence there. I have no internet or people to talk to, so I'm going to be spending some quality time by myself. At first I was very afraid, and maybe you will relate, because to be completely with yourself, nothing to lose yourself in, can be terrifying at first. So often, we spend our whole lives running from ourselves, but we'll never get anywhere. I know this month is going to be powerful. Maybe it will be hard at times, lonely, terrifying, but I'm here for it, no running, and that makes me feel so good. I've maken a vow to be with myself, to love and respect myself no matter what happens, no matter how I react.

It is impossible to put to words the beauty of the place where I live. I woke up on my first morning there, fruit trees surrounding my home, animals living joyously all over the farm, flowers perfuming my cabin. As the sun was rising I walked along the road to the bus stop and I was brought to tears. There are seas of a'a' lava most of the walk there, and it would be impossibe for anyone to walk very far on it, so it is completely deserted. So silent, so peaceful. To be there was to be with god. I am so grateful for my time there.

I have to catch my bus very soon, so I will keep this short. Looks like I might be able to update in a week or so. Until then, peace be with you:) 

Energy

Since being sick the past few days I've had a lot of time to sit and think and also gain some insight from the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. He said something in a video yesterday which I had never really thought of. He was talking about people who were sick and/or experiencing a lot of pain. He said that while these people may eat well, and have a healthy lifestyle they can become very ill and experience great pain because they spend no time in their body. They're so busy with their mind, they never even stop to ask themselves "am I alive? Am I breathing?" People can be walking around, without ever feeling the brilliance of being a living being. He also talked about pain and suffering, and how, in it's simplest form, it is just energy, which is neither good or bad, and by truly being in the body, and sensing this energy we can transmute it as pleasure, or at least just as a sensation, but not necessarily as pain. 

I spent today thinking about all I learned yesterday, and testing it on myself to the best of my abilities. I was having some pain in the morning while I was riding on the bus, and I just closed my eyes and focused on the sensation and movement of this pain. It felt like spiraling energy throughout my abdomen, and as I was truly there in my body, feeling everything within me, I experienced no pain. It was a really beautiful experience, not something I can explain, but it felt very healing. No resistance.  

Someday I'll have dreads like this:) Beautiful♥

Why I'm Here



My new bicycle basket filled with organic bananas from the market



I just thought I'd update to let everyone, especially my family, know that I'm feeling better. I spent much of my day just lying in bed watching the sunshine's reflection on the trees. The light shines so beautifully all around my bed. It is so wonderful not having walls and being so close to nature. Geckos have been climbing all around me as I sit here, and the wind has been coming right through my bed, keeping me feeling fresh and cooled down from the high fever.



I feel very blessed to have had this day of rest. Ever since waking up this morning I knew today was going to be very powerful. I felt unbelievably weak this morning, like my body was just giving up. I sat in silence for a very long time, looking deep within to try and see why I had been given this day and this situation. All I knew was that it was a very good thing and that I required a lot of rest and a complete respect of my body and it's ability to heal itself. 



I watched videos of Eckhart Tolle and gained so much inspiration and faith from them. I also started to read "A Course in Miracles" which I'm enjoying so far. It begins with this:

   Nothing real can be threatened.

   Nothing unreal exists.

  Herein lies the peace of god. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about my purpose here. I always used to think it must be something really grand because there were so many things in the world that I wanted to see change, and I was so passionate about getting out there and fighting the good fight. I've changed so much though, and now the thought of trying to change anyone or anything seems ridiculous and completely unnecessary. I am here to learn, to experience, and most of all to love. Now when I look within to see when I feel the most passionate and fulfilled, I see that it is during times of feeling unconditional love for everyone I meet. Times I feel the most out of balance are when I am judging the world, thinking it's not perfect just the way it is. That is something very new to me, but very true. When I see things in the world that seem wrong, or unfair, or ugly, I realize it is only things within myself that I have believed to be this way. The world is perfect. The only journey I have is within. I think one of the very first quotes I started carrying with me, when I was about 16, was this one by Gandhi: "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." I thought it was so brilliant, but it wasn't until more recently that I began to understand it's meaning in a different way. I used to think of fighting for animal rights, convincing people to turn their health around, to respect the earth, to love one another. These were changes I wanted to see, but by fighting, and resisting reality all I would accomplish is more of the same. Who am I to know what is true or right for anyone else?

For me, to be silent, to live my truth, and just to experience this beautiful world unfolding as it is, that is a true gift, and I strive to move more towards acceptance and surrender each day.



Tired, but feeling very peaceful



Humility

I'm currently in the midst of a very humbling situation. It's very intense and I've sat here for hours today just crying. Yesterday I became very sick. My stomach and intestines are hurting and burning a lot, and last night I was throwing up, dehydrated, and with a massive migraine headache. Late into the night I was awake, in so much pain that I just prayed for death. I wanted to scream, but knew it wouldn't change anything. I was forced to be completely present. I could not think one moment in the past or future because the pain kept me completely in the now. It was very scary and I felt more vulnerable than I have ever felt in my life. It's morning now and I'm still shaking uncontrollably, my head pounding in pain. I'm so weak I feel like I can't even get out of bed.

Yesterday's events played a big role in my physical breakdown. I was surrounded by too many people and I felt like my personal space was completely invaded. Everyone's energy seemed so intense and it was everywhere, surrounding me, and I couldn't breathe. Too many people, and too long in a very crowded area with so much noise, smoking, pollution.

Everything I'm going through is teaching me a new respect for myself. I keep thinking that I'm like most everyone else and should react like them, but I know I'm more sensitive, and instead of seeing that as a weakness I could see it as a gift. I sort of feel like I'm meeting myself for the first time. It's very strange finding out so many things about myself that I had no idea of. I'm not dismissing my feelings and reactions anymore. I came here largely on a journey to embrace my true goddess nature, not even knowing what that would entail, but I think it is being given to me. There are no mistakes, and I truly have no regrets. I know it is all a gift, even if I can't always see it.   

So where now? I don't know. I know I want to respect myself in every way possible, and that is such a change from how it has been for so long. I'm only beginning to see the damage, the punishment I have laid on myself for so many years. Somewhere along the line I stopped listening to myself, and when I watch my mind now I see that most things I do and think are an attempt to hurt myself more, to neglect my inner child who is too traumatized to even cry out anymore. Things are changing though and it is so beautiful to see. So for now I will sit here watching, smiling, crying, just being here.

 

Crystal Children

For many years up until very recently I thought something was wrong with me, that I was so different from everyone else that no one would ever understand or respect me. Just after leaving Hawaii in the autumn I met a spiritual healer online who was living on the Big Island. She wanted to understand me, and helped me to find out my current aura color. I found out I was almost a pure crystal. When I first learned about it I felt slightly comforted knowing that there was a reason I felt different. Over the past few months I have read more about crystal auras and crystal children. While I don't really like to use labels, it is fair to say that most people use labels for people who are different. Those who are being called indigo children or crystal children may have gone many years being called freaks, autistic, problem children, etc, making them feel like they are lacking in some way. While reading about crystal children I saw this list of attributes which spoke to me very deeply because I see almost all these things in myself.

Attributes of the Crystal Children



* Extremely sensitive to everything in their environment -sound, colors, negative emotions in others, smells, food, chemicals, pollutants, the "feel" of clothing, violence, and pain of others, group consciousness, electromagnetic frequencies, solar flares.






* So sensitive that they are deeply vulnerable, as well as very powerful because of their intense vulnerability.






* They must have alone time. They do not live well in groups as few others understand their need for solitude, balance, rejuvenation, and deep quiet.






* They must have daily communion with nature and elements. The Spirit of Nature will help them balance and clear all of the disharmonious energies that affect them so strongly.






* They just plain do not understand "Man's inhumanity to Man," war, greed, etc., and thus can easily feel totally overwhelmed by it all.






* If life should become too intense, or if they are traumatized or see and feel others being traumatized they will withdraw and disconnect from society in order to protect themselves.






* Despite being quiet and self-effacing, others admire and are drawn to them like a magnet. They will have deep and lasting connections with humans who offer the unconditional love that the Crystal knows is the only true Love.






* When a Crystal looks at you, you feel as if they have penetrated your very soul.






* They really need very little traditional parenting as they are gentle, wise, and will be able to tell you what they need, as well as what is good or not good for them. When my son was very young, he said one day, "I can never drink alcohol or take any drugs at all!" And he hasn't!






* They will often avoid crowds or malls, as there are too many different energies at such places for them to cope with.






* They have a deep love for children and animals, and a remarkable way of connecting with all creatures.






* Water is very beneficial in clearing and soothing them. They love baths, showers, waterfalls, fountains, playing in water and sand.






* They require comfortable clothing of their choice of natural fibers and colors.






* They require lots of pure water and often prefer fresh organic food.






* It is not uncommon for these children to 'tell' their parents their name before they are born, and engage in other direct communication.






* Miracles and magic happen around them - money appears, animals seek them out, babies smile at them, healings occur naturally and spontaneously.






* They are extremely empathic to the point of knowing what a complete stranger in the street is feeling.






* They have a fear of intimacy because they so easily feel invaded, not respected. They would rather be alone than have their "personal body space" disregarded. They may also avoid romantic relationships for fear of hurting another if the relationship ends.






* There is an innocence, a guilelessness, a purity about Crystals; this is due to the absence of ego.






* They may need help in learning to ground their energy with physical activity, nature, sports, martial arts, yoga or dance.






* They may disrupt electrical appliances, radios, TVs, computers.






* They often refrain from showing emotion for fear of its amplification and losing control. This can make them appear to be flat or passionless.






* They can feel responsible for someone dying or getting hurt or even fighting.






* They can have periods of deep depression.






* They respond well to body work, massage, and energy work by someone who is themselves balanced. Massage and cranio-sacral therapy may be crucial to keeping their bodies healthy and pain-free.






* They will often have a high metabolism and be natural vegetarians.






* They are bright, "big-picture" individuals with an instinctual understanding of the spiritual laws, and of how it all works.






* They have a clear connection to their higher self, naturally accessing their highest guidance. It is precisely because of this connection that they know the truth of spiritual Oneness.






* They are natural healers and peacemakers.






* They are multi-talented.






* They are capable of regeneration of bone and tissue. Where most of us are gradually being upgraded - ascending to the Crystal energy, it is already in their DNA.






* They may be individuals of a few words, but everyone listens when they quietly express their wisdom with humility. However, they will not give advice without being asked and will never interfere.



I've been thinking a lot lately about how alienated I have felt, and about all these things I haven't accepted and loved about myself. My shyness and quietness has been something that I saw as a curse for pretty much my entire life. I cannot explain to you how much pain I have gone through because of not accepting the way I am, and not seeing that everything about me is a gift. It has only been very recently that I've started to question these thoughts of unworthiness, guilt, and shame, and it's beginning to seem clear to me that there is no reason not to love myself. I'm in the beginning of my journey, but I can see the light now, and everything is very good.

Awakening

Pure Love♥



Last night I was awake as the full moon's power had complete hold of me. I was laying in bed, drifting in and out of sleep, but mostly in a trance. The moon told me to sway and move, and it told me a story. Thoughts passed through me of a tiny bud:

Inside, all it sees is darkness. For so long it has fought its way towards the surface, but now it feels completely lost, so lonely, and ready to give up hope. The world looks so bleak. Is this all there is?

Suddenly everything changes. There are no words for what the flower bud sees. It sees the world and all it knows is unconditional love and peace.

The flower blooms, in a complete state of grace. "I am".

The world is changing so quickly now. People are waking up everyday. No matter how bleak your reality may seem, you may be only moments away from seeing your true potential, your true reason for being here. So don't give up, just be here, right now. Even if you're experiencing intense pain, depression, anxiety, or fear, just be here with it. The only suffering comes from your resistance.

That is the message that came to me during the night, and all I'm asking of myself is to consider it. I am focusing everyday on being open to all possibilities, even if I've lived my entire life believing differently. I'm constantly shocked and in awe to see that my mind has been lying to me for a very long time. Beliefs are what separate us, hinder us, cause us suffering. Question your thoughts, and you become free of beliefs.    

Durian Dream

 I looked into my little pot of soil today, and there it was, a tiny yellow sprout, coming out from the side of my durian seed. I was so happy I couldn't help but smile. You don't know how many times I've dreamed of this over the last few years. It always starts with one little seed, and I will give this seed all the love and nurturing I have within me.



My little sprout♥

I noticed today that the dreads in my hair are becoming more apparent. I stopped brushing my hair the first day in Hawaii because the brush wouldn't go through it with all the humidity. Immediately my hair became much more curly and alive. I've always found dreadlocks to be so beautiful so I will let my hair do as it will.

It's very lovely to let nature take care of me, rather than relying on some kind of beauty routine.

Today I got more papayas in town. I didn't want to mention it until I was sure, but I'm planning on starting a papaya mono diet tomorrow. I don't know how long it will last, maybe a day, a week, a month, but something tells me it is the right thing to do at this time. A fast is what I truly want and need, but the time isn't right. Papayas have an enzyme which is used to help people digest food, and to help with stomach ulcers and bleeding. While I don't believe in food doing the healing(it simply supplies the raw materials) I do think that eating only one juicy fruit would be very good for me right now, and papaya is an ideal candidate. It's very cheap, easy to find anywhere here, nourishing, water rich and easy to digest.  My other experiments with mono diets (bananas-9 days, watermelon-10 days, twice, and grapes-14 days, twice) were very healing. The spiritual breakthroughs I had during those times were of great significance to me. My connection to all of life became very apparent, and I experienced moments of great peace.

No sure plans for the next couple of days. I'll probably just relax and enjoy my last days here. I'd like to go to the beach and swim in the warm ponds tomorrow or the next day if it's sunny. Living for today, no plans necessary in this moment♥

 

   

Sprouted seed of the mamey sapote, a beautiful miracle♥

Rich, creamy mamey:)

This mamey tipped the scales at about 3 pounds!

Good Life

Today started out as a rather tiring day. I was sleepy, but I knew I needed to get into town for food. I got on the bus and saw that there were a lot of fully empty seats, but I noticed myself sit down next to an old man. I thought it was strange that I didn't choose to sit alone, but I didn't put much thought into it. Shortly after that the man started talking to me. I told him it was my dream to move to Kapoho and he said he lived there, and owns an 18 acre fruit farm. That really got my interest. He told me he had a friend with some land for sale there and he would contact him for me. We continued to talk and got into a discussion on spirituality. I felt like everything he was saying was purely from my soul, so in line with my journey. He was going to give me a book, but didn't have it on him. It was "A handbook for a new paradigm" about a universal shift of consciousness. He started to explain it to me, and it blew me away. He studied meditation and zen in India. He is actually running for mayor here and he's asked me if I'd like to work on his campaign with him. His card says "Cooperate to Thrive=Be Happy". He's invited me to his farm as soon as I'd like. I feel very lucky to have met a friend here.

I'm very hopeful that James(the guy I met today) will have good news about the land for me. I think it would probably be out of my price range, but he said it might be possible to get me a couple acres of raw land in Kapoho. I'll probably go visit him once I move next week. I hope he's within biking distance.

I ended up getting 20+ pounds of papaya in town, and carried them on an hour long walk home. That is after at least 4 or 5 kms of walking earlier in the day, so I'm pretty exhausted at this point. Unfortunately I had to get very green papayas so they wouldn't get destroyed bumping around on the way home. So they won't be ripe for a week or so. That means I need to go back to town tomorrow so I'll have something to eat in the meantime. I'm planning on taking the early bus back tomorrow so that I can take a trip down to Kapoho.

Happy and sleepy for now:)

My Land

There's a piece of land I've been watching for the past few months and I can't stop thinking about it. I was talking to someone today about growing fruit and becoming self sustainable and they told me that the only place that has soil and is affordable is Kapoho, my dream land. I guess I was called there for a reason. The same man also told me it is probably the only and best place to grow durian here, and for me that is very necessary in this dream of mine.

It's a grassy lot so little to no tree clearing. I can start growing on day 1.

A long, palm lined driveway, just what I dreamed of:)

A magical place

The property I fell in love with is over 3 acres with over a foot of soil! It is the only property available in the area(aside from tiny vacation lots for more money). The road it's on is only about half a kilometer, and I can see myself in the future, pushing a little fruit cart to the end(where all the tourists and other visitors go by) and selling or giving away all the extra fruit that I grow. With a lot that big I plan to also build a couple eco cabins(very simple) that I will rent out, so that I'll have money for extra things. The photos are unbelievably beautiful, and I get sad when I think of not living there. It's just too far out of my price range. But I can't let that stop me. The law of attraction has brought me everything else I have dreamed of so this too can be mine. In every way this place is out of a dream. There isn't a single con that I can think of. As soon as I move to Kapoho next week I will be going to check out the land. I think once I see it and feel my feet on the earth there it will be much easier to envision it as my own. I already have so much respect and love for this place. It calls to me. Somehow, no matter what it takes, this will be my home someday♥

Resist Nothing♥

 The upcoming full moon has been pulling at me the last couple of days, becoming stronger each day. I'm actually quite sick today so had to pay so I could take the day off from my work trade. I was thinking that I didn't like feeling so sick and weak and how it wasn't fair, but then I got a chance to look at it from a different perspective. Maybe this is a gift. Actually, I really think it is, as all struggles are. It gives me a chance to be still and silent, to observe and enjoy my time of rest. How could that be a bad thing? All of my problems(and I imagine many other people's as well) are just resistance to what is. 

RESIST NOTHING

This is one of my biggest lessons while being here. If I can just be open to all possibilities then peace is inevitable. Just the other night I was awake in bed for hours, consumed by an intense pain in my stomach and intestines. I was to a point where I was going to try to find someone to drive me to the hospital when a thought hit me. "Why are you resisting this pain?". I realized that my whole body was rigid and tight, like how someone cowers and stiffens if they see someone about to hit them. I told myself it was safe to let go and to just experience this pain, so I did. Immediately, the pain became so much duller. It wasn't gone, but it didn't bother me anymore. It was more interesting than anything else. Within minutes I drifted into a peaceful sleep and didn't wake until sunrise. It was a very powerful experience for me, and I hope I can bring this lesson into all aspects of my life. 

Yesterday I took the bus along the coast again, and being near Kapoho and Kalapana immediately lifted my spirits. There was a strong nurturing energy there, and the sunshine and enveloping jungle held me in a state of grace all along the coast. It was then that I decided I would not settle. Yes, there are other places on this island which are cheaper to live, where there's less sun, more rain, cooler temperatures, less friendly people, and lower vibrations, and it would be ok there. But I don't want ok. I want my dream, and now that I've found where I belong I don't think I can settle anymore. It may take time and a lot of hard work, but it will happen, and dreaming about it is a beautiful thing.

So I spend my time dreaming as I rest and heal. I see myself in the sunshine, so at peace and healthy. I'm at a place I call home, with a tiny hut, very simple, with just a super cozy bed inside and some books. I'm in the most healing and nurturing place I can invision, with many close friends living nearby. Outside my hut there are more fruit trees than you can imagine. Durians are falling everywhere for me to share with all my fruitarian friends. There are always many varieties of fruit falling from the trees, much more than I can eat, so I give it away to people who need it. It brings so much satisfaction to care for the earth and to learn from nature. This is the dream that sleeps in my mind, waking throughout the day and night, filling me with inspiration.

Fruit Abundance and Being Barefoot

This song will blow you away. Yiruma is my new favorite artist on earth. So beautiful ♥

 


The past couple of days have been filled with wonderful fruit and good times. A few people have mentioned to me that winter is the down time for fruit, that there really isn't much in season right now. I honestly don't know what they're talking about. I am having trouble carrying home enough food without it getting damaged in the process, but there is so much fruit available here. Mamey sapote, chico sapote, soursop, cherimoya, durian, lilikoi, lemons, limes, avocados, oranges, mandarins, jakfruit, rambutans, longans, papayas, cacao, guavas, chocolate sapotes, bananas of many varieties, champedak, and so many more. Abundance is the way of life here.



At one with the earth, so blissful ♥



I was out walking today without my shoes and I felt like I should write a little about being barefoot because the effect it has had on me is so profound. My soles are still very soft from wearing socks and boots all winter or I'd be 100% shoeless here. I need to build up the pads of my feet a little first, but soon I plan to give up shoes for the rest of my life. The lava rocks are very sharp, so it's taking a little getting used to. But to be barefoot on the earth is a most magical experience. I believe that a lot of the nutrients we need must be absorbed through the feet as I feel deficient when I go too long without my connection to the earth. The most important thing I feel without shoes is a clear communication and oneness with the earth and all that is. Separation disappears and it is so completely humbling that it often brings me to tears. I am everything and nothing all at once, so amazing.  

Different people here and other places have told me that it is crazy or stupid to walk around without shoes on. They say I will contract parasites from the ground, get infections, or just end up with injuries. Most don't understand my reasons so I don't make a big deal out of it, but I think being barefoot is the most hygienic, natural, beautiful thing to do. I have known a lot of people here who have suffered from staph infections, mostly just because of a little cut, usually on their leg or foot. I have actually gotten a lot of cuts on my feet since being here(actually all from shoes wearing on my feet or ankles), but no infection problems yet. I just make sure to let the cuts breathe and see as much sun as possible.


I'll only be at this hostel for another week. I think I'll really miss my hut here. The people aren't exactly the crowd I like to hang with, but they're friendly enough, and I get all the peace and quiet I need here. I think I'm ready to move on though. I'm excited for more adventures in a new town.

Mamey Sapote, my favorite fruit:)

My giant jakfruit, but there was only a little fruit inside

Yummy apple bananas

Isaac Hale beach park

The ideal beach scene. Nice and quiet too

I bought a whole fresh durian...bad experience

Mamey has another taste besides pumpkin, sweet potato pie. It's dill! Sounds funny, but it is the most delicous thing on earth.

Peaceful me ♥

My new outfit

Orange I foraged in the jungle

Strange new fruit, a kind of cherry I think

Chocolate sapote

Eating the pudding of the chocolate sapote, so rich and creamy ♥