Dreams

I didn't think I'd be blogging again for a while, but today I felt that it was time for an update, as so much has changed in the past weeks.

As the winter solstice approached, I could feel a strong energy flowing through me. It was very wild and so powerful. sometimes it took over me. I was filled with a lot of fear and sadness. It really felt like the world was ending at times and my sense of control was completely gone. I felt like this power, which was bigger than anything I had ever experienced, was a part of me, and I began to see that it could do as it pleased with me. The day after the solstice, the energy intensified, but somehow it wasn't troubling me so much. I was learning to flow with it somewhat.

Jewelry I sell at the market

Fresh local durian 

 Ever since then, things have been manifesting in my life, pretty much anything I desire. I began making money selling my jewelry at the farmers market, and now have the job I have always wanted. The people that I live with have been inviting me to Kirtans, and ever since my first time attending, I have felt a deep connection to the people there, the music, the movement. My landlord offered me a new place to live, deep in the jungle. It is a 10 acre fruit farm in Kalapana. There are hundreds of ancient mango trees which fruit year round, bananas, lychee, papayas, eggfruit, and I'm sure so many more. All of the fruit is wasting on the ground and I'm encouraged to eat as much as I want. The house is big and surrounded by coconut trees, which I can drink every day. I found out not long ago that Jaden is coming here to be with me, so we're finally going to be together, in a real way, not just as an in between going from place to place. We have dreamed and dreamed of living in a fruit forest together and it's about to happen! We'll be a short walk from the beach(where we can swim with dolphins and sea turtles), Kalapana farmers market, the lava flow(which you can even see from our land). I'm making more fruitarian friends here, new ones all the time. On New Years day I was just invited to have a durian party with some friends who live in my building here in Hilo. They have a beautiful fruitarian son named Rabbit, and being around him is teaching me a lot. I love learning from the wisdom of babies and children.

Birthday Flowers I received at a Kirtan gathering

With all of these wonderful things manifesting in my outer life, I can see more and more clearly, that none of that is of much importance on my path in this life. The outer doesn't even feel like it really exists. Maybe it doesn't. My work here is within, and lately I have been troubled because I'm feeling my journey here much more strongly. I used to think I was choosing it, but I'm not. I'm realizing that I came here in this body for a reason, and it's not what my mind expects. A part of me so badly just wants to live a simple life in the jungle with Jaden, have children, grow fruit, swim in the ocean, bask in the golden sunlight, but my spirit screams other things at me. Maybe its just a phase. Maybe I can still have that simple life that I want. Or maybe I'm here for other things. There's no way to know I guess. Just let the universe have me, and enjoy the ride.

I've been living off nothing but orange juice for 6 days now. I started on Christmas and wanted to finish after the new year. Just this morning I was telling Jaden that I was thinking of continuing the juice feast for 10 days, just because I am feeling so much clarity, and enjoying the juices so much. But then I went to the market with my friends and they mentioned the New Years Day durian feast and I thought that would be a wonderful way to start the new year, eating the best food on the planet with such glowing souls. I still haven't decided yet though. I'll see how I feel when the day comes. Right now, I have no desire for anything other than orange juice.

This may be my last blog post for some time, not because I don't want to write anymore, but because we're going to be moving to a place without electricity and our plan is to become part of the jungle, connect with Gaia, try to release as much technology from our lives as possible. It's going to be scary to let go of everything we've used to escape from facing our true selves, but we feel ready and excited for this new journey.  I imagine I'll be posting updates from time to time, and lots of photos from our primal jungle adventures.

Now that we're in the midst of this shift, humans are realizing their divine potential. If you want something now, just dream it and see it in your mind and it will be yours. There really are no limitations in life. It's all illusion. We're creating the entire outer world. How do you want it to look?

Back to Puna

For my first couple weeks back in Hawaii I haven't felt very enthusiastic about life. I've been confused and lost and even the thought of getting land and growing fruit hasn't excited me. Big shifts are taking place and I have felt an intense energy. Sometimes it feels like I am being born, other times like I am giving birth. I think the women of the earth are feeling it more profoundly, but everyone is feeling the shift taking place. I can see it in them. Most are trying to run from this shift, and the resistance is creating a lot of chaos and fear in the world. But there are also people who are embracing the beauty of this chaos, and learning how to flow without resistance and fear, and that will only continue to grow.

Today I was invited to go back to Puna to visit my friend Eden and share a jackfruit from his land. I walked into town this morning thinking about all the wonderful opportunities and blessings I have had since being back here, but a big part of me was just shut off and I felt out of place, lost, numb.

I got on the Puna bus and immediately felt more comfortable, like I was really home again. Last time I lived here I spent a large part of almost every day on that bus. It is a place of safety and comfort to me.  The reggae music blasted from the speakers, I could smell a mixture of Ganga(which almost had me gagging. The smell of it always makes me really sick, not sure why) and hippie sweat, and it was all so familiar. The ride to lower Puna went by faster than I wanted it to, but when I got off the bus I remembered so vividly why I never wanted to leave Kapoho. The sun was shining and it was so quiet. The wind whistled through the ironwood trees, birds and insects chirping. The land welcomed me, held me, let me know that whatever problems I was having, it would be ok. I wanted to cry because I was so happy to be back to my home, but also sad because I knew I would be leaving it again to go back to the loud, empty city. It felt like a light had been lit inside of me and I remembered what it was like to be alive again, to feel things.

At Moana Ula (the raw food community on Papaya Farms Road) I met up with Eden and we shared the jackfruit. He thought it wasn't quite ripe enough yet, but I loved it. Eating delicious homegrown fruit with fruitarian friends, it doesn't get much better for me. I wish I had taken more photos today, but I always forget to take out my camera when I'm out on adventures.

Next we went and explored the land behind Moana Ula. I got to see a durian growing, and cempedaks, abius, mameys, chico sapotes, an Ackee tree, and many more. We were looking for a giant marang tree that Eden wanted to climb. We eventually found it and he climbed up, not expecting to find any fruit on it, but there it was, just one, on a far out branch. We went back to get fruit picking tools and he climbed up again. I was hoping to catch the marang when it landed but it was just out of my reach, so it landed on the jungle floor with a splat. the fruit was littered through the mud, but that didn't stop me from digging into the ground and tasting it right away. Like durian, it is hard fruit to describe, but I will say that it was very creamy, sweet and delicious. It is unbelievable to me, how the universe gives us these moments. For so many years I have dreamed of trying marang, thinking of getting one in Asia or from a specialty store, and there it was today, the only one on the tree, ripe and waiting, just for us. It couldn't have come in a better way.  

I also got to try white sapote, another fruit which has been on my mind a lot. It was super sweet, tasting like vanilla ice cream with hints of butterscotch.

Being back in the jungle today, connecting with the land, with people, with fruit, and with peaceful life energy, it reminded me why I'm here, and why I'm trying so hard to make a life for myself on this island. Lately it has been so hard for me. I barely even feel inspired enough to get out of bed and spend my day walking through the loud hectic streets to get food to eat. The thought of trying to get a job here has been haunting me, and I often wonder why I even try. But after today I feel a little more alive, and I remember that soon I will be back in the jungle, and I will have land. I was surprised once again, to see how the city takes life away from people. I was lost in believing that I must just be going through a down period, but it happens every time I am in the city for more than a few hours, and intensifies the longer I am there. Cities are cages. They are places where humans are put to be brainwashed and conditioned. They are places to lose your connection to life, to feel like something is missing in you, but it isn't real. These walls aren't real. I will never be truly free in the city. I don't think anyone will be. If you live in the city and can't change it, or don't want to, try to spend some time in the country. Just for a day, be where it is quiet and you will feel the life within you. You will remember that you exist outside of your own body and mind, outside of the confines the city has built around you. All this technology, stimulation, noise, it has drowned out your life force, and most people never even notice it. I look into the eyes of people in the city and they are empty. It is as if there is nothing behind them. People here are barely alive, just surviving. We need to get back to the forests, back to our source. LIFE awaits us there. 

I think I am going to stop blogging for a while. It just doesn't feel right to me at this point. My experience is becoming bigger than me and I'm realizing that my words are mostly empty. I prayed to God for humility, expecting a state of grace, but it is being given to me in the only way that it can be given I think, through understanding. And to truly understand, you have to live through everything you've ever feared. I am learning that the human mind always likes to think it knows, but in reality, it never can. I am learning that everyone's experience is so sacred, and that manipulating that experience(as we usually do when trying to help someone) will only cause more pain. I am learning through my own self judgement and self hate, how to really love. It isn't something that I can work through overnight, or maybe in a long time, but I am learning every day, and this journey is taking me places I never thought I would go. I'm losing people in my life, things that felt permanent are falling away. I'm unsure of who I am, and all my strongest beliefs are becoming shaky and weak. I'm scared. Everything I thought I knew is slipping from my grasp.

 I may start writing again, but I need some time to just focus on my experience, to feel everything and allow it all to flow through me, to learn how to trust myself again.    

For Those Who Can Feel The Shift Taking Place

I've been back in Hawaii for about a week. As of my last post I was preparing for my trip to Mexico. Last minute it just didn't feel right, so I booked a flight back to the Big Island. Funny, I can't seem to stay away for long. This is my third time here, and since the first time I've never been gone for more than 5 months. It calls me back so strongly. This time I honestly thought I was completely insane, just booking a flight and coming back here without thinking it through at all, but the minute I got off the plane I knew it was right. The warm, humid, tropical breeze felt so welcoming. I'm connected to this island and it will always be my home. It hasn't been without struggles though. Coming back here with no plans, or even a place to live was really stressful, but within a few days I had found myself a room near downtown Hilo. I've spent pretty much all my money getting here and paying rent, but for now at least, I am completely taken care of.

It feels like EVERYTHING in life is coming to the surface, like there is an energetic chaos going on throughout the entire planet. It's hard to explain and I don't even understand it, but its very intense, and I can feel it breaking. Big changes are taking place right now. I have found myself lost in this chaos for some months now, but it's getting a lot stronger. It's very hard to ground myself or even focus on what I'm in the process of manifesting.

You can even see this change in me. The photo on the left is before I left for Hawaii last winter, almost a year ago. I was trying so hard to remain composed, to hold the whole world together, to deny the chaos, and it was taking a toll on me. The photo on the right was taken today, and I'm feeling more in the flow with the chaos around me(even my hair has become a reflection of the way of the world, hehe). It is coming on so fast though, rushing through me with such intensity. I feel lost and afraid much of the time, but in the moments where I embrace this crazy energy, I feel more grounded than ever.

I feel so blessed to be back on my island home! There is no place I'd rather be for this amazing shift which is taking place. I think I'm on an energy vortex because I feel it all so much more strongly here. A big part of why I left here in the summer was because I felt like I wasn't ready to face everything that is happening in the universe. This island is not a place to escape your troubles. No, this is where it all collides, and you have two choices: 1)Learn to FLOW, or 2) Suffer in resistance. There is strong magic at work on this island, and people are drawn here for a reason.

Being in Hilo, I am really missing the jungle. I thought being here would be better for getting to the market for fruit and maybe getting a job, but I hope to make my way back to Kapoho soon, or at least somewhere near there. I'm thinking about trying WWOOFing. I'd get much needed and desired practice with organic gardening, and I wouldn't need to worry about making money to pay rent. Really feeling a strong desire to avoid having a constricting job. I tend to feel caged very easily, so I do best living in a quiet, natural place, mostly alone(or with close family/tribe) with nowhere I need to be and with nothing I need to do. The more I follow my instincts, the more I feel that is the way of life humans were meant to live, and will need to go back to if we wish to remain sane. It is especially apparent in the city how lost most of us are. We're living these highly constricting lives, trying to hold everything together, and it is killing us. People are losing their light and becoming grey. And they think that they just need to keep working, try harder, acquire more.So many people are struggling so much right now, including myself. I think of it like this: This is the birth of the new earth, the death of the old ways, and just as in our individual lives, birth and death can go two ways. With resistance, both can be very painful, and drawn out, lasting for much longer than if we let go. But if we are able to take the leap of faith, allowing our body, mind and soul to flow, it will all happen beautifully, the energy flowing through us ecstatically, the dance of the universe. This struggle and suffering is our gift though, because the stronger it gets, the more clearly we will see that we have a choice to make. We're not victims.

Imagine if you could just let yourself flow. What would it look like? We have limitless potential, but we're lost in a lie, believing that we are caged, that we need to live meaningless lives to get where we want to go. It feels so scary, even counter-intuitive, to just make a leap of faith into our wildest dreams, so for the most part we forget about what we really want, compromising, settling for a life like people around us are living. If you look around, you will see that most people are living the same life, one with little inspiration in it. Sit for a minute right now and think about(or write down, this really helps) what you really want in your life. Don't put restrictions on yourself. Imagine that you can have, do or be anything. What does your dream life look like? Think about all the little details. What makes this life so beautiful? Are you in a magical place? Are you at peace there? What does that peace feel like? This is all you need to do right now. You can stop trying, stop worrying about the fact that you're not living a perfect life right now. Just focus on that feeling of inspiration that you feel while thinking about your limitless potential. That is who you are.

I know so many people are afraid right now. I can see it in their eyes. Things are falling apart and with the attachment we all have to the circumstances around us, we feel like we're falling apart too. But you're going to be ok. Don't be afraid to fall apart. CRY. Be real. It's ok to feel. That's all I can say right now. Give someone a hug if you can. Try to embrace as many people and other beings as you can. It's all going to come down to Love.

Banana Island Day 20-Figs

Today was going to be my second to last day on my banana mono diet, and as of yesterday I was really enjoying bananas, not desiring anything else. In fact, my appetite has been diminishing lately, largely due to stress and depression, so even bananas weren't that appealing to me. Today, while eating my banana breakfast I felt disgusted by them and ended up throwing them away. When it came to lunch I was still unable to eat bananas, in any form. My body was telling me to eat other things. That made it difficult since the only other thing in the house was sun dried figs and I wanted juicy fruits, but I went with my instincts and ate the figs which appealed to me more than bananas. What I really wanted was some coconut water, but that will need to wait a little bit longer since they don't sell young cocos in Yarmouth or anywhere within four hours of here.. Hopefully tomorrow I can get some mazafati dates, mangoes, persimmons, and other ripe winter fruits. Oranges sound so good to me right now.

So almost 20 days on bananas, that is by far the longest mono diet I have done. I must admit, I'm not as pleased with the results on bananas nearly as much as my shorter mono diets on juicy fruits like grapes, melons or papayas. Over the years of having a sensitivity to bananas, I have found that they make me feel heavy, sluggish, dehydrated, and they never digest well. While eating only bananas for almost 3 weeks, they did seem to digest better than usual, and my energy wasn't too low, but I never felt that vibrant aliveness that I get from eating juicy fruit. It felt sort of like surviving on a diet of steamed potatoes, only not quite so bad because cooked food really drains my energy. Bananas are not colorful and alive to me like other fruits. I found bananas, as I had speculated, to be highly mucus forming. I don't have any scientific evidence of why this would be. Unripe bananas can be mucus forming, and difficult to digest, but my bananas were very ripe. It only took me a couple months after going fruitarian to know that bananas were not a food for me. Many fruit eaters seem to thrive eating a diet of mostly bananas, but for me juicy fruit is best, with dates as a dense source of calories. I'm happy I got to do this experiment though. It gave me some time to really look at my addiction to food, and for a long time, stop stressing about what to eat. My thoughts about food diminished by about 90% and I was enjoying eating much more than usual.


I'm already starting on my next experiment. My goal is to eat 100% mono meals for one month(and continue if I like the results). For those who know me, you know that I usually eat only mono meals, but I often give in and eat smoothies, salads with up to 3 or 4 ingredients, chopped, mixed or blended foods. I want to become closer to god on a physical level, and I know that means eating food in as natural of a state as I can get it. On my upcoming road trip I'm hoping to pick a lot of wild fruit, visit farms, eat locally. When I say mono eating, I don't use the same definition as I used to. Previously, when eating mono meals I would try to eat just one fruit until I was full and then wait at least an hour, usually longer, until trying another fruit. Now I want to use my instincts more, eating one fruit, not necessarily until I'm full, but until I experience a natural "stop", whether that means eating five pounds of one fruit or only one bite. If I feel drawn to eating something else, I will, but I will not mix fruits or make recipes out of them. I also want to try not to eat blended smoothies, as I've realized on this banana diet that doing so confuses the body and digestion is largely compromised.

Today I feel more excited than nervous about my trip to Mexico, which begins in only a week. I've spent a lot of time worrying about all the things that could go wrong, but within each disaster lies great opportunity. All I need to do is release my expectations about the future. If something goes "wrong", it is really only going right, just a chance given to me by God to advance further on my path. Every struggle I've had so far has been a blessing, and if I had to choose between more obstacles or living in safety forever, the answer for me is simple. Living a life of safety, staying within my comfort zone, is empty. That place is one where I get stuck, watching others really live, wishing I could do everything I dream of, but feeling too comfortable and insecure to leave my nest. The longer you stay within your comfort zone, the more you will feel like that is the life you will continue to live, and you will manifest only more of the same. If doing what your heart tells you feels like jumping off a cliff, do it. Run towards the edge and jump with all the courage you have within you. I promise, you won't regret it. and if you hit the ground, get back up and try again. Every time you do you will gain more confidence and faith in yourself and in the universe. The truth is, you're safe, utterly and completely. Nothing can hurt you besides your beliefs. So defy them. Defy gravity and every restriction that has ever entered your mind. See what its like to be truly free.

Banana Island Day 12-Leaving for Road trip in 2 Weeks!

I can't believe I've already been eating just bananas for 12 days. This mono diet has actually been pretty easy, mostly because I've had so many other things on my mind that food hasn't been my main priority. Although, if I were eating a mixed diet, I can tell I would have used food as an emotional suppressant. The most amazing thing I've gotten out of this banana diet is an almost complete freedom from using food as anything other than nourishment. It's so simple: if I'm hungry, I eat bananas. No hunger, no thoughts about food. If you're having problems going all raw or you feel you're using food to numb yourself or eating things which don't feel in alignment with your soul's path, I really encourage you to try banana island. I'm happy to be your support buddy if you don't want to do it alone.

My skin and eyes are becoming more clear and I feel more energy and clarity than before. I've been eating anywhere from 15-25 bananas per day, going purely on instinct and hunger. I was drinking about 2 liters of water each day, but have cut it back lately. I feel a little dehydrated though so I'm going to try and drink more. More water=more energy. I'm not sure how long I will continue on bananas. I was going to aim for 30 days, but that would cut into my trip, so I'm thinking of just doing 21 days, but we'll see how it goes. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Very exciting news, I've booked a flight to Seattle for December first. From there I'm joining a fruitarian caravan, and we'll be travelling across the West coast, camping near the ocean in Oregon, and California and spending some time in the desert in Arizona! I've only been dreaming of doing this for about ten years! Next we'll head into Mexico, driving until we find tropical paradise, a place with great fruit, beaches, people, jungles, and we'll find a place to rent for the winter. I can't believe I'm going! I'm so lucky to live a life of such freedom!

I'm trying to sell artwork, jewelry and other homemade things to fund my travels and I've finally got my website up. I still need to add a lot of items to my store, but feel free to check it out and see if there's anything you want. I'm feeling a strong desire to paint so there should be more paintings and drawings available soon.
fruitgoddesscreations.ecrater.com

Blowing in the Wind

Bundled up and warm :)

I try to only write here when I feel inspiration deep within myself. I almost forgot what that was like. I've been really low for a long time now. Leaving Jaden, finding myself in a cold sunless place with no fruit to eat, feeling lost and confused about my path. I let the darkness have me, and after that I haven't been able to find my way out. But for some reason today feels different. I feel really alive again. Maybe it's the fact that my body is healing very deeply. I've been eating nothing but bananas for 6 days now and I'm feeling better all the time. I originally started eating them, even though they usually make me quite ill, because there was really nothing else in Nova Scotia that I could eat. There were a couple things of quality, but the prices were so high I wouldn't consider them. I was hesitant to eat only bananas, but this mono diet has brought me back to the time in 2009 when I was a new fruitarian, eating bananas for 9 days, having my first real transformation. It was then that my body started to assimilate a pure fruit diet, and my taste buds began to recognize all the subtle flavors of all the different fruits. This time it is once again bringing me back to my roots, my more primal side, teaching me of the beauty and power of fruit, letting me know that I belong in the tropics, eating from the trees, dancing with the sun. It has ignited a strong wanderlust in me, filling me with dreams of hitting the road and heading South.

Spending some time with my baby before I hit the road again

My mind has been wandering around the world, thinking of all the places I could go, nothing to stop me. I found a possibility on 30 bananas a day, a group of fruit lovers going down to Mexico for the winter. To make it even better, it's a road trip down the West coast! I left Hawaii to go on a trip through California and Arizona, and now I might manifest it, just not as I thought I would, and not at the time I expected. I'd get to spend the cold months of winter in the tropics, eating the highest quality fruit with other fruitarians! Sounds like a dream, but I am nervous. It seems that no matter how many impulsive adventures I go on, I never get used to a life of such freedom. My mind still worries about all the little things. It's been over 2 years since I left Mexico, and last time it wasn't on good terms, mostly because I made a choice to sabotage my body, mind and soul. I was so innocent and so afraid and I used my pain as a way to cope. Hawaii was the first time I ever made the choice to nurture and love myself through the fear, and so far that was the greatest healing journey of my life.

Everything's up in the air right now. How many times have I said that? It seems my life is always blowing in the wind, and I never stay in the same place very long, never keep the same plans. If only I could embrace the impermanence of my life, there would be no struggle. I used to dream of being a wanderer, and now it is my reality. This past year has been the most beautiful journey, and looking back I can see that every struggle was unnecessary. Life is just happening and all we need to do is move with it. Easier said than done, I know. Through this deep depression I've been going through I have gotten to see that telling people to feel or experience anything other than what they are living, is only painful. Everyone finds their way out of it in the time that is right for them. If you're suffering, you don't need to push against it, trying to inspire yourself to be happy. For me that has only caused more pain. It felt like I was invalidating my experience, putting myself down for not being able to be happy. Let your experience have you completely, whatever it is. It won't hold onto you if you don't hold onto it. Let yourself be free and let your heart guide you. Your mind will be so loud sometimes and you will be so afraid you're making the wrong choices, but you can't make wrong choices, there is no way. All disasters, all suffering, becomes your greatest gift. Just let it be and know that it won't always hurt. Everything you are experiencing is part of your journey towards realizing that peace isn't what you seek, it is what you are.

...

Purgatory-  The place between heaven and hell where a soul's ultimate fate is decided.

I've been in Massachusetts for over a week, but time has been passing in a very unusual way. Days are all blending together and I often feel like I'm not really here at all. A few days ago I decided that I was going back to Nova Scotia. After over 8 months on the road I'm going back to where I started. I think I need some time to get back on track with my dreams. It wasn't what I wanted to do. I didn't and still don't want to leave Jaden, but right now we don't have many other options. This doesn't have to be for good. We just need some time to get our lives in order.  Jaden is going back to Seattle, and I'm lucky enough that my parents are going to let me come home for a little while while I figure out what to do with my life. 

The thought of leaving Jaden is more than I can bear so I don't really let myself think about it. Knowing that this is all going to come to an end very soon gives me a chance to appreciate what I have. Sometimes I'm just here, living every moment, seeing every little thing and feeling life so deeply. In those times I don't really think about the past or the future. Life passes by like a roll of film, clip after clip, each one feels like the only one, like that's all there is in life. And then there's another and another and it never stops when there's no time. There's always just this and it's always enough. 

But of course time always comes back to me and I lose myself in it. I remember that soon I'll be leaving, and I think of the past, of everything that I'm walking away from. And that hurts. Time always does. 

The photos below are from our visit to Purgatory Chasm yesterday. I feel like I'm entering into a life of purgatory right now, with no choice but to accept it as a child accepts the conditions of the world. I had a dream yesterday morning that I died. I was in a room, holding Jaden's hand, and I was drowning. There was no water, but I could feel my lungs filling with it, pain expanding throughout my chest, time running out. There was nothing I could do to stop it, nowhere to go, so I let it have me. Moment by moment I felt my life slipping away, my whole body clenching so tightly. Then all at once, everything stopped. It felt like a million pounds had been lifted from me. There was nothing anymore, not even me, yet still I was there, experiencing life. It was so expansive, everything and nothing all at once and peace was all I knew. Then I woke up and felt all the resistance within myself once again. That is where all the suffering of the world lies. As long as I don't resist this journey or have expectations of how it should be, there is no suffering. It's exactly as it should be.  

Entering Purgatory

Mica on the forest floor

Jaden and his Sassafras Tree

Peaceful Forest Elf <3 td="td">

Leaf Mushroom

LOVE

Living The Unknown

FLORIDA 

As soon as we got into the airport in Fort Lauderdale, the air was hot and humid, palm trees lining the streets. We were back in the tropics and it felt so good. It was like Hawaii, but the energy was the opposite. Instead of Pele breathing fire through my soul, forcing me to face my demons, Florida held and nurtured me. I felt like I was a little baby again and that I was very safe. We did spend some time in big cities where the energy wasn't quite as soothing as the country, but overall, Florida was heaven to me. In Homestead, everywhere you went you'd find locally grown tropical fruit for sale. I had the best mamey sapote there of my life. I also got to have some sugar apple(annona family) and soursop. We didn't have much money, so we lived at a free campsite out in the middle of nowhere. We slept near a lake which was filled with alligators, vultures flying all around. It was incredibly beautiful.

 Later in the week we went to check out some of the land I had found online earlier in the year. It was even better than I expected. So as much as everything was feeling a bit crazy with us running out of money, and not having a place to live or a car(our rental car needed to be returned at the end of the week) my hopes were high. Being back in the tropics was very soothing to my body as well. The color was coming back to my skin, and the toxins from living in the city were coming out. Every day I was feeling more alive. But Jaden didn't love it like I did. By the end of the week he was ready to leave. That put me in a very difficult position. I had to make a choice, either stay in the place I had dreamed of, get my land and start my food forest, or be with the man I love. The decision seems easy enough, but adding to it was the fact that Jaden wanted to go back to Seattle, his home and comfort, my hell and cage. It isn't that Seattle is a bad city, but it's a city, and to me that is a place to watch yourself die, not to live. I was ready to follow him back there though. Last minute he decided to visit his family in Massachusetts instead. I decided to go too.

Leaving Florida felt like being ripped from where I belonged. The last day there we were on the east coast, in Pompano Beach, and it was very windy. For me a warm tropical breeze on a sunny day is like being in the arms of God. I let the wind flood through me, washing away everything that hurt as I prepared myself to leave.

Jaden just before leaving for Florida

Campsite at dawn

Alligator lake near our tent

Watermelon Man

The Swamp where we lived.

Coming back to life:)

Alligator swimming toward us. 

In Naples City

Jaden at Naples Beach

Me in Naples

Chocolate Sapote tree in Homestead

Sapodilla Tree

Mamey Sapotes for sale:)

Sugar Apple

Jaden with Soursop

Fruit and Spice park display

Samples at Fruit and Spice Park

Sunset at our camp

MASSACHUSETTS 

Life is never what you expect it to be, and holding onto expectations causes pain. I'm getting to see that more than ever now. Every day I look at my life and see how my dreams seem to be slipping further away, and I have a choice to either allow myself to go with the flow, or to be in despair. The easy choice is to live in pity, thinking that you deserve better. The choice to live your life, the life you're in right now, without resisting it, that is very difficult, but the more you do, the more it will bring you peace. I'm not saying I made the right choice, or that I should just settle for a life that is drifting further and further from the one I have always wanted. But as long as I'm here, living the choices I made, I might as well make the best of it. It's not so bad here. I have been eating durian and persimmons, walking through beautiful parks where the autumn leaves are at their peak. I'm with Jaden, even if I'm not where I want to be. There are many things to be grateful for.

The park where we went today(photo from the internet since I forgot my camera)

My life is so unknown right now. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow. I do know that if I stay strong and have faith, there is nothing that can stop me from my dreams. Every place I end up, it is always right, even if it isn't what I expect. If there is a time for me to leave, I will know it because I will be gone. Right now I have the opportunity to be truly free, to learn from the wind that there is nothing to resist.