Today I was invited to go back to Puna to visit my friend Eden and share a jackfruit from his land. I walked into town this morning thinking about all the wonderful opportunities and blessings I have had since being back here, but a big part of me was just shut off and I felt out of place, lost, numb.
I got on the Puna bus and immediately felt more comfortable, like I was really home again. Last time I lived here I spent a large part of almost every day on that bus. It is a place of safety and comfort to me. The reggae music blasted from the speakers, I could smell a mixture of Ganga(which almost had me gagging. The smell of it always makes me really sick, not sure why) and hippie sweat, and it was all so familiar. The ride to lower Puna went by faster than I wanted it to, but when I got off the bus I remembered so vividly why I never wanted to leave Kapoho. The sun was shining and it was so quiet. The wind whistled through the ironwood trees, birds and insects chirping. The land welcomed me, held me, let me know that whatever problems I was having, it would be ok. I wanted to cry because I was so happy to be back to my home, but also sad because I knew I would be leaving it again to go back to the loud, empty city. It felt like a light had been lit inside of me and I remembered what it was like to be alive again, to feel things.
At Moana Ula (the raw food community on Papaya Farms Road) I met up with Eden and we shared the jackfruit. He thought it wasn't quite ripe enough yet, but I loved it. Eating delicious homegrown fruit with fruitarian friends, it doesn't get much better for me. I wish I had taken more photos today, but I always forget to take out my camera when I'm out on adventures.
Next we went and explored the land behind Moana Ula. I got to see a durian growing, and cempedaks, abius, mameys, chico sapotes, an Ackee tree, and many more. We were looking for a giant marang tree that Eden wanted to climb. We eventually found it and he climbed up, not expecting to find any fruit on it, but there it was, just one, on a far out branch. We went back to get fruit picking tools and he climbed up again. I was hoping to catch the marang when it landed but it was just out of my reach, so it landed on the jungle floor with a splat. the fruit was littered through the mud, but that didn't stop me from digging into the ground and tasting it right away. Like durian, it is hard fruit to describe, but I will say that it was very creamy, sweet and delicious. It is unbelievable to me, how the universe gives us these moments. For so many years I have dreamed of trying marang, thinking of getting one in Asia or from a specialty store, and there it was today, the only one on the tree, ripe and waiting, just for us. It couldn't have come in a better way.
I also got to try white sapote, another fruit which has been on my mind a lot. It was super sweet, tasting like vanilla ice cream with hints of butterscotch.
Being back in the jungle today, connecting with the land, with people, with fruit, and with peaceful life energy, it reminded me why I'm here, and why I'm trying so hard to make a life for myself on this island. Lately it has been so hard for me. I barely even feel inspired enough to get out of bed and spend my day walking through the loud hectic streets to get food to eat. The thought of trying to get a job here has been haunting me, and I often wonder why I even try. But after today I feel a little more alive, and I remember that soon I will be back in the jungle, and I will have land. I was surprised once again, to see how the city takes life away from people. I was lost in believing that I must just be going through a down period, but it happens every time I am in the city for more than a few hours, and intensifies the longer I am there. Cities are cages. They are places where humans are put to be brainwashed and conditioned. They are places to lose your connection to life, to feel like something is missing in you, but it isn't real. These walls aren't real. I will never be truly free in the city. I don't think anyone will be. If you live in the city and can't change it, or don't want to, try to spend some time in the country. Just for a day, be where it is quiet and you will feel the life within you. You will remember that you exist outside of your own body and mind, outside of the confines the city has built around you. All this technology, stimulation, noise, it has drowned out your life force, and most people never even notice it. I look into the eyes of people in the city and they are empty. It is as if there is nothing behind them. People here are barely alive, just surviving. We need to get back to the forests, back to our source. LIFE awaits us there.
I think I am going to stop blogging for a while. It just doesn't feel right to me at this point. My experience is becoming bigger than me and I'm realizing that my words are mostly empty. I prayed to God for humility, expecting a state of grace, but it is being given to me in the only way that it can be given I think, through understanding. And to truly understand, you have to live through everything you've ever feared. I am learning that the human mind always likes to think it knows, but in reality, it never can. I am learning that everyone's experience is so sacred, and that manipulating that experience(as we usually do when trying to help someone) will only cause more pain. I am learning through my own self judgement and self hate, how to really love. It isn't something that I can work through overnight, or maybe in a long time, but I am learning every day, and this journey is taking me places I never thought I would go. I'm losing people in my life, things that felt permanent are falling away. I'm unsure of who I am, and all my strongest beliefs are becoming shaky and weak. I'm scared. Everything I thought I knew is slipping from my grasp.
I may start writing again, but I need some time to just focus on my experience, to feel everything and allow it all to flow through me, to learn how to trust myself again.
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