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Purgatory-  The place between heaven and hell where a soul's ultimate fate is decided.

I've been in Massachusetts for over a week, but time has been passing in a very unusual way. Days are all blending together and I often feel like I'm not really here at all. A few days ago I decided that I was going back to Nova Scotia. After over 8 months on the road I'm going back to where I started. I think I need some time to get back on track with my dreams. It wasn't what I wanted to do. I didn't and still don't want to leave Jaden, but right now we don't have many other options. This doesn't have to be for good. We just need some time to get our lives in order.  Jaden is going back to Seattle, and I'm lucky enough that my parents are going to let me come home for a little while while I figure out what to do with my life. 

The thought of leaving Jaden is more than I can bear so I don't really let myself think about it. Knowing that this is all going to come to an end very soon gives me a chance to appreciate what I have. Sometimes I'm just here, living every moment, seeing every little thing and feeling life so deeply. In those times I don't really think about the past or the future. Life passes by like a roll of film, clip after clip, each one feels like the only one, like that's all there is in life. And then there's another and another and it never stops when there's no time. There's always just this and it's always enough. 

But of course time always comes back to me and I lose myself in it. I remember that soon I'll be leaving, and I think of the past, of everything that I'm walking away from. And that hurts. Time always does. 

The photos below are from our visit to Purgatory Chasm yesterday. I feel like I'm entering into a life of purgatory right now, with no choice but to accept it as a child accepts the conditions of the world. I had a dream yesterday morning that I died. I was in a room, holding Jaden's hand, and I was drowning. There was no water, but I could feel my lungs filling with it, pain expanding throughout my chest, time running out. There was nothing I could do to stop it, nowhere to go, so I let it have me. Moment by moment I felt my life slipping away, my whole body clenching so tightly. Then all at once, everything stopped. It felt like a million pounds had been lifted from me. There was nothing anymore, not even me, yet still I was there, experiencing life. It was so expansive, everything and nothing all at once and peace was all I knew. Then I woke up and felt all the resistance within myself once again. That is where all the suffering of the world lies. As long as I don't resist this journey or have expectations of how it should be, there is no suffering. It's exactly as it should be.  

Entering Purgatory

Mica on the forest floor

Jaden and his Sassafras Tree

Peaceful Forest Elf <3 td="td">

Leaf Mushroom

LOVE