Blowing in the Wind

Bundled up and warm :)

I try to only write here when I feel inspiration deep within myself. I almost forgot what that was like. I've been really low for a long time now. Leaving Jaden, finding myself in a cold sunless place with no fruit to eat, feeling lost and confused about my path. I let the darkness have me, and after that I haven't been able to find my way out. But for some reason today feels different. I feel really alive again. Maybe it's the fact that my body is healing very deeply. I've been eating nothing but bananas for 6 days now and I'm feeling better all the time. I originally started eating them, even though they usually make me quite ill, because there was really nothing else in Nova Scotia that I could eat. There were a couple things of quality, but the prices were so high I wouldn't consider them. I was hesitant to eat only bananas, but this mono diet has brought me back to the time in 2009 when I was a new fruitarian, eating bananas for 9 days, having my first real transformation. It was then that my body started to assimilate a pure fruit diet, and my taste buds began to recognize all the subtle flavors of all the different fruits. This time it is once again bringing me back to my roots, my more primal side, teaching me of the beauty and power of fruit, letting me know that I belong in the tropics, eating from the trees, dancing with the sun. It has ignited a strong wanderlust in me, filling me with dreams of hitting the road and heading South.

Spending some time with my baby before I hit the road again

My mind has been wandering around the world, thinking of all the places I could go, nothing to stop me. I found a possibility on 30 bananas a day, a group of fruit lovers going down to Mexico for the winter. To make it even better, it's a road trip down the West coast! I left Hawaii to go on a trip through California and Arizona, and now I might manifest it, just not as I thought I would, and not at the time I expected. I'd get to spend the cold months of winter in the tropics, eating the highest quality fruit with other fruitarians! Sounds like a dream, but I am nervous. It seems that no matter how many impulsive adventures I go on, I never get used to a life of such freedom. My mind still worries about all the little things. It's been over 2 years since I left Mexico, and last time it wasn't on good terms, mostly because I made a choice to sabotage my body, mind and soul. I was so innocent and so afraid and I used my pain as a way to cope. Hawaii was the first time I ever made the choice to nurture and love myself through the fear, and so far that was the greatest healing journey of my life.

Everything's up in the air right now. How many times have I said that? It seems my life is always blowing in the wind, and I never stay in the same place very long, never keep the same plans. If only I could embrace the impermanence of my life, there would be no struggle. I used to dream of being a wanderer, and now it is my reality. This past year has been the most beautiful journey, and looking back I can see that every struggle was unnecessary. Life is just happening and all we need to do is move with it. Easier said than done, I know. Through this deep depression I've been going through I have gotten to see that telling people to feel or experience anything other than what they are living, is only painful. Everyone finds their way out of it in the time that is right for them. If you're suffering, you don't need to push against it, trying to inspire yourself to be happy. For me that has only caused more pain. It felt like I was invalidating my experience, putting myself down for not being able to be happy. Let your experience have you completely, whatever it is. It won't hold onto you if you don't hold onto it. Let yourself be free and let your heart guide you. Your mind will be so loud sometimes and you will be so afraid you're making the wrong choices, but you can't make wrong choices, there is no way. All disasters, all suffering, becomes your greatest gift. Just let it be and know that it won't always hurt. Everything you are experiencing is part of your journey towards realizing that peace isn't what you seek, it is what you are.