The Peace That I Seek

Tonight I am not here. Don’t look for me tonight for I have departed from this world and gone into the arms of my Beloved. My soul lives only where he exists. I have dissolved into him and there is no more of ‘me’ left; I am Him. All that remains is my body. My heart and my soul are far away from this place you call the Universe … Don’t look for me tonight. Tonight I don’t exist.

~ Rumi

 I ended up breaking my fast on the 10th day and since then my life has been very different. I stopped fasting because I could feel the pull of anorexia in my mind and it was growing stronger. I really wanted to heal, but I didn't want to risk a relapse. With Jaden's support I decided to start eating. It was at this point that I realized that my eating disorder had already become deeply ingrained in my mind. That's how anorexia is. It sneaks up on you and you don't realize how deep you're in until you decide you want to eat normally again. I ended up falling deep into bulimia for most of my first week of refeeding. I felt like I was dying, like my body would not last very much longer if I wasn't able to stop. Jaden pulled me through it though. I've never had anyone really support me like he did when I thought I couldn't pull myself out of it. I woke up on his birthday and decided for that day I could stop throwing up for him, and I did. Ever since then I've had the strength not to fall back, and I feel now like I'm stronger than I've ever been.

That was the heavy part of the story. After I stopped purging, I got to experience the benefits of my fast. I noticed when I woke up a few days later that my stomach wasn't hurting at all. I ate my fruit and I felt energized and light, just like I used to feel before I got sick. I also began taking a chromium supplement for the sensitivity I was having with melons, grapes and apples and it cured me of the pain I was experiencing from eating those fruits. Of most significance though is the fact that it only took a 10 day fast to improve my colitis to a degree where I know my body can continue to heal on its own. I have energy now and fruit makes me feel more alive. I am filled with gratitude.

After being in Seattle for 6 weeks I decided to come home to visit my family. I knew I really wanted to see everyone in Nova Scotia before winter and this would also be a great time to get a break from the city and be in the woods for a couple of weeks. I've only been home for 2 days, but I am so happy to get to spend some time with my mom and little sister. Tomorrow I am going to see my older sister and soon after that I will see my father. My dog Joey is so happy that I'm home.

Me and my beautiful Joey:)

It is grape season and tomorrow I am starting a grape mono diet, maybe for the weeks that I am in Nova Scotia(perfect timing since there is pretty much no other quality fruit here). I always feel more calm and balanced on mono diets. My body feels much lighter and energetic and my mind is freed from almost all thoughts about eating and food preparation. Feeling hungry? Eat Grapes. Simple. Beautiful. That is how life was meant to be.


I've watched myself  become lost in ego lately and I am finding it very difficult to face my true self at all. I'm  living very much on the surface, keeping myself occupied with things, people, drama. This is very much the life I lived for the first 20 years I was alive, the same life many people live until they die. You look outside yourself for fulfillment. No matter what you get or achieve there is always this feeling of emptiness, and you know there has to be more to living. I am often happy and grateful and my life is very beautiful, but there is something so much bigger out there, and I know that my journey here is just beginning. I've experienced moments of total silence, of divine grace and bliss, and in these moments I know God. I am God. I see that all that I am and all that the world is is perfection. Nothing exists in these moments because there is no separation. Of course, I have known only moments of this peace, but even one glimpse of truth is enough to set one free. My path is clear to me now. The road to peace is never as simple as living a mediocre life of searching for things to make you happy. It takes great courage to step out of the world that everyone around you is living in that is comfortable and safe and journey into the blackness. Sometimes you just aren't ready for it and you need to step back. When I become frustrated with myself for falling into the comfort of egoic control it only strengthens the ego, making life miserable. If I let go of the illusion of time and remember that there is no hurry for anything in life, knowing that I can just live, there is great peace in that.

I know that my greatest purpose in life is to become peace, to become the divine bliss that will spread throughout the entire universe like a wave. There isn't a thing in the world I need to change outside of myself. The process of awakening has begun, in me, and in so many others all around the world, and there is no way to stop it. Release resistance to time and space and you will see that you are already there, living the love and peace that you have been searching for outside of you. When you are living in resistance to reality then the world looks like a terrible place sometimes. People and situations appear to be the cause of pain and unhappiness within you, but know that it is a lie. Face the darkness within yourself and you will see that it is nothing but light. Know that you are peace and that experiencing that peace is your birthright. Surrender to reality even if it doesn't fit into the expectations of your mind. Everything is beautiful when there is no resistance to what is.

21 Day Fast-Day 9

This fast has been testing me. On Day 7 I became very weak. It's been hard to get up even to go to the bathroom, especially at night. I'm very lucky to have Jaden to help me. He brings me water, carries me around, and helps me get through the things I'm facing. Physically, this has been very hard. At times I am very hungry and just really want to eat. My weight is down quite a bit, under 100 pounds now, and that has been hard on me. With my long past with eating disorders sometimes I have a hard time telling the difference between that past and what I am experiencing now. On the outside it is the same thing, but the inner journey is the opposite. This time it is to heal, not to die.

The emotional detox has been really tough. It feels like it's bigger than me, smothering me. Sometimes I really don't think I can get through it. There is nothing between me and this pain, nowhere to hide. It is teaching me great humility, but I'm not there yet. There is still so much self judgement and hate inside and that is being projected onto the whole world. The guilt I feel sometimes is so strong. I'm doing everything I can to be present with it and allow it to be. That is the only way to let it go. I know that some extremely powerful things are happening within me right now, and it is taking so much strength, but I'm ready to face it. Some people need to hide, and that is their path, but it's not mine. I know its not.

There are so many things I'm grateful for, and I know it's very important to realign myself with the abundance that is around me, so I will list all the blessings I have in my life right now. Do the same, it can really help turn your life around.

• *My self healing body. It is working so hard to heal and become vibrantly alive.
• *My amazing, caring boyfriend, Jaden.
• *My beautiful friend, Leila
• *My mom, who supports me no matter what crazy ideas I have
• *Rowenna, for being so true to her own path, no matter what anyone else says. 
• *For my time in Seattle and having the right atmosphere to be able to do this fast.
• *For having the opportunities to go and do anything I desire. Even without a job I have been able to travel to so many amazing places, and I will continue to do so.
• *For all the beautiful fruit that comes to me no matter where I am. Fruitarianism is simple when you believe in the abundance of life!
• *The Sunshine! It feeds me with its golden rays!
• *All the vibrant souls who pass through my life every day. People are so beautiful and they all teach me such important lessons.
• *For being ALIVE! There is so much I have yet to experience.

I'm sure there are many more things. Life seems to be filled with more abundance than I could ever have imagined. Anything I have ever wanted comes to me. It is our right to be surrounded in beauty, no matter who we are or what we have done in the past. Our souls are all connected and when one person realizes that they are worthy of love and beauty, it begins to spread like a ripple on the lake. You can change the whole world, not by fighting for change, but by surrendering to what you truly are.   

21 Day Fast-Day 5: Beauty From Pain

I'm near the end of my 5th day fasting and so far it has gone very smoothly. I think all my time in the open air in the jungles of Hawaii, and eating all the pure local fruit there allowed my body to cleanse to a large degree. During my last fast, about 8 months ago, my body became much weaker and I felt and looked very sick the entire time, so much so that I stopped the fast on the 6th day. I've experienced a mild hunger most of the days so far, but nothing extreme, and when I do smell food, it smells very nice, but not like something I'd want to eat. My body is giving me a clear signal that what I'm doing is right.

I have felt quite peaceful the past 5 days, and so extremely blessed. I almost can't believe everything that I've been given. Each day feels like the best day of my life. A couple nights ago we had some friends over and everyone decided to form a healing circle around me. I lied there, feeling the beautiful energy of all these amazing souls. It was like I was surrounded by angels. Life continues to give me more than I ever imagined I would have. The abundance is never ending.

The longer I fast the more sensitive I become to everything around me. My sense of smell is very heightened. I  feel everyone around me so strongly, like I'm so very connected to everyone and everything. When someone hugs me, the experience is so strong, more than the mind can comprehend.

Yesterday I went to the park and sat in the grass while everyone else went for a walk. I figured it was a good time to meditate since I was feeling a little off center. I sat very still and closed my eyes, prepared to face what was within me. Immediately I became very agitated. I wanted to run, to scream, to escape myself. It was terrible, but I vowed to face it. I thought "What is the point in this? Why would anyone put themselves through this?" Shortly afterwards I was given the answer which has been very true to my experience. My friends came back from their walk, so I opened my eyes and came back to the outer world. Everything looked so fresh and new. It's hard to describe, and the only way I know how is to say that a space opened up in me. A space which allowed the world to be, which allowed me to be. My thoughts had slowed down and I was just feeling everything. Every step I took was perfect, every sound was like music.

My experience yesterday made me think of the past year and the observations I have made after times of intense suffering. When I have been deep in depression, deeper than I thought it was possible to go, my mind would spin with thoughts, convincing me I wouldn't get through it, that life would always be more painful than I could bear. There is no way to describe how much it hurt to be alive. But as time went by I would find a way to observe my thoughts and emotions, even for a moment, and that would create a small space, enough for me to be able to slowly break free from the lies of the mind. Afterwards I would always experience more presence, more peace. For me, there is no spiritual growth without the struggles. For most of my life I thought that it wasn't right that people had to experience so much pain and suffering. But to me it has been my greatest gift.

Even now, people often tell me I look unhappy, and sometimes I am, but the more I live, the more suffering I live through, the more moments I have of complete stillness, of bliss. I've never been like other people, people who would laugh so much, and party so hard, running towards things that were fun and exciting. I have at times done those things, but I didn't feel at peace. Happiness is the emotion most would use to describe these experiences, but for me it was just stimulation, running from problems, using drugs, food, people, and situations, to hide from the pain inside that I didn't think I could face. But you have to face it sometime. The only way out is through. And on the other side of it is something which is infinitely more fulfilling than the happiness you experience from sensory stimulation. It's not going to be easy. For me it has been the most difficult thing I have ever faced, but I have no regrets, and I feel like I have been very blessed to lead this path.

I think most people assume that meditation is supposed to be a time of complete stillness and peace. So when they attempt to sit and be silent and they experience the opposite they give up thinking it isn't the right time or they're doing something wrong. But if you just sit through the noise and the pain that comes up, even if you think it is worthless, you will probably find that afterwards you feel so much better. Facing your demons doesn't always mean you have to do something about it. Sometimes, just observing what is within you and accepting it is enough to dissolve it and transmute it into something beautiful. But I know that it is very difficult to go there, and there is a time for it. Maybe it's not today. There is no hurry. You'll know when the time is right for you because that is when it will happen. Everything in life is like that. Nothing happens before its time. So there's nothing to be anxious about, nothing to force, just let it all be.

21 Day Fast- Day 3: Be You!

After 2 days fasting

Feeling Good:)

I'm most of the way through the third day of my fast and I'm actually feeling pretty strong right now. I spent a good hour and a half laying nude in the sunshine and I felt like I was absorbing the essence of life. Sunshine makes me high! I'm drinking plenty of water, and today my appetite is starting to diminish which leaves more room in my mind to contemplate life. I have had some major detox symptoms including a slight headache, sour taste in the mouth, coated tongue, full body pain, serious weakness, rapid hearbeat, and just generally feeling ill, but it comes and goes, and right now my vitality is high. I have noticed something interesting with my breathing. It is like all obstructions are gone and my lungs are working effortlessly. I feel like now my body is breathing itself, where before there was a pressure and I needed to focus more on taking deep breaths.

I've been thinking a lot today about people and how different they all are, about how so few of us are able to accept ourselves fully. When people are against me, that is my greatest time to learn how to accept myself more. When you look at your inner reaction to people's disapproval you will find your own insecurities, and from there it is much more possible to work on finding your true self.

There will always be people who disagree with you, who think you're doing it all wrong. It's impossible to please people when you don't please yourself, and it takes so much effort to try. You lose yourself. So for today, just be who you are, even if that isn't someone you approve of. Question your insecurities. Are they even real? What if you could just love who you are completely? You would be perfection itself.

Right now just take a moment and think about the world. How do you see it? Is it filled with chaos, war, anger, injustice? Is it beautiful, magnificent, full of grace? What do you think needs to change? Are people too harsh, too violent, too judgmental? Be honest here, this is very important.

Now take how you see the world and turn it around to face yourself. The world and all the people in it are only your mirror. Everything is within and there is nothing you need to change about the world. The world changes as you do. When you learn how to love yourself unconditionally, the world will become your Eden.

Fasting-The Time is Now

The Abundance of Life!

I'm currently nearing the end of my second day of water fasting. I plan to go without food for 21 days. Those of you who have been reading my blog know that I have been planning this for a very long time. I have had what the doctor said was colitis for over a year now. I've had major digestive problems, including bleeding, indigestion, severe acidosis, and at times, intense pain. I have also had terrible migraine headaches, rapid heartbeat, shakiness, dizziness, and have been incredibly weak. Overall, I have just felt deep inside that something is majorly wrong in my body. I knew I needed to fast. Almost every time I ate my body fiercely rejected the food, even if it was as simple as a mono meal of melon. I was afraid to fast though, but not so much for the reasons you might expect. Everyone keeps telling me that doing a 3 week fast without supervision is extremely risky and should not be attempted, but I have no doubts about my body's ability to heal itself. I'm a hygienist so I don't believe in super foods, or anything outside of myself to do this healing work. I know that the body can work most efficiently when it isn't being burdened with the extremely exhaustive task of digesting food. My concern lies first of all with the weight loss that will inevitably occur. I'm not worried about starving to death as I know I have plenty of fat reserves to carry out this fast( I weighed myself the other day and was 108 pounds), but I do have a past with eating disorders and I'm a little nervous that going to such a low weight will trigger me into a relapse. To be honest though, even that isn't really on my mind. I feel like my journey in this life is beyond that now. My other biggest hesitancy with fasting was the fact that I knew it would require me to face all my emotional issues. I, like a lot of people, have used eating as a distraction for most of my life. Eating heavy foods especially, can use up so much digestive energy that it is literally impossible to go through any deep emotional experience. Even eating only fruit can be used in this way, to a much lesser degree. Any time I have fasted in the past, it has been like all my emotional pain, and any traumatic memories, have been brought directly to the surface. I wasn't sure if I was ready for that, and I kept putting this fast into the future, coming up with reasons not to do it. I did fast for two days while in Hawaii, but I stopped, feeling right away that it wasn't right. 
Now is different though. I am so extremely fortunate to have been blessed with the perfect environment to fast. I live in a peaceful apartment with my amazing boyfriend here to supervise, and support me. There is nothing I need to do, and I can spend my days reading, listening to music, painting and taking naps. There are no stresses about going places to buy food, or finding a place to live. I can just be here and allow this healing to take place.
Now that I am almost two days in, the life around me is beginning to shift. It's kind of scary because all my priorities are kind of falling away, and I'm not sure what is important. It feels sort of like nothing is really important, and a deep part of me knows that to be true. There is nothing we need to hold onto, nothing to be afraid of. Not a thing in this world can get close to touching who you are. Time is moving in such a different rhythm, sort of like it isn't really here anymore. All that I am is right here and now. Who I am, who you are, is without time, space, thought, form. It is outside anything your mind can comprehend and you are completely safe.    

Grace

It's been weeks since I've posted, and the more time passes the more I feel I need to fill in. So much has happened in Seattle, but I think I will just start from here.

I have gone from 14 days on only papayas, to 10 days on watermelons, to 5 days on green juices, and a couple short water fasts in between it all. I often question how my body can still be failing after all the work I've done, but yesterday as I water fasted I did some deep inquiry. We can't possibly heal physically until we're ready. It's just like painful emotions that we keep inside. They will be there until we are comfortable enough to let them go. A big part of me is so ready to be vibrantly healthy, to be able to run and play and eat so much fruit without pain, but I have been in contact with the part of myself which feels safe being sick. I have spent most of my life as a victim, and I still have attachments to the suffering within me. That part of me is becoming smaller though, and when I am truly present I can see past any suffering of the body. My life is so perfect right now and it has nothing to do with where I am or what I'm doing or the health of my body. I'm often experiencing what it is like to be at ease with life, wherever it takes me. I'm living in a city, a city that less than a year ago felt like a cage to me. But my eyes are opening and all I see is beauty here now. Sometimes I'll be walking and I'll see lanes and lanes of cars, pollution filling my lungs, loud noises all around me, and life just seems to be filled with so much grace. My spirit glows and feels the life in all of it. I also walk through the woods, and on the beach, and I feel it there too. God is everywhere.

Judgement has been such a part of my life lately and it has been a great gift. The mind judges, that is just the way of it, but it's what you do with these judgments that is important. Like most people I often feel guilt for the thoughts that run through my mind, thinking that I am not a good person to have these judgments. Any judgement I have about anyone else is always just about me, and I am seeing that to be true for everyone. And any judgement that is placed upon me can only hurt when I already believe it about myself. No one can possibly hurt you if you inquire into your own mind. Judgement is the path to truth because when you look at your inner reactions you will meet yourself, maybe for the first time. If someone tells you that you are selfish and it hurts it is only because you are already holding this belief within yourself. It is never the other person who is hurting you. You will also see that this person is suffering because it isn't possible to be unkind unless there is pain within you. This is the innocence of humanity! Everyone just needs love and complete acceptance, and it is the most difficult path in the world to learn how to love unconditionally. It is through the struggles that you learn what love really is. I have been through more pain than I thought I could take, and I'm starting to see how intense suffering and pure bliss are so close to each other, just a small shift of awareness apart. I know I didn't choose this life because I wanted to experience simplicity and pleasure. This incarnation is a never ending lesson, one that not a lot of people seem to understand. By living a life of mostly silent contemplation it can appear that my life is empty. I have no career, very few hobbies, and I spend very little time absorbed in the distractions of television, books, socializing, or much of anything else, yet my time here is constantly filled with such substance. When I do lose myself in the dramas of the world I immediately fall from balance and need to retreat back into my deeper self.

"God is good," that's what people say when things go as they want them to, but when life doesn't go according to plan, where is God in that? More and more I'm seeing that God is in everything, that the struggles and the pain are as filled with grace as anything we would consider beautiful. You don't need to have a plan of how your life should go, how this day should go, this instant. If you are just here, just experiencing everything without needing it to be a certain way, it isn't possible to suffer. When you embrace everything there is nothing that is not god. Everything is as it should be, and life is nothing but grace.

Wandering Fruitarian

This past week has been a whirlpool of thoughts, emotions, and experiences. I ended the fast after 2 days because it was working its magic so strongly that I didn't feel prepared for it. The emotions that were running through me were so strong I could barely breathe, and my body was becoming very weak from the deep cleansing. After the fast ended I just became completely overwhelmed with past pain. The memories felt so alive in me. A part of me was falling away. I just kept feeling like my whole life was crumbling around me, and it was like there was nothing left. I wasn't sure if I would get through it or how to try.

I began a watermelon mono diet a day after my fast was over. Before that I had become very ill after a bulimia relapse, but I refused to go back there, and I took every bit of strength I had and chose to eat only melons. Relapses still happen, and I know how dangerous it is every time I fall, but I'm getting stronger, and I know that there is nothing that will stop me on this journey. Setbacks are just a part of the road, and it's important not to become attached to anything along the way. Melons are a good food for me to eat for now, and they're great for healing my intestinal problems. As soon as I began eating them my mind began to clear and my body stopped hurting. All the confusion that had been plaguing me seemed suddenly unimportant. I just sat there, aware of all the pain and stress within me, but it was so insignificant. I experienced moments of  complete presence, unable to keep from laughing, bliss filling me to a point where I didn't know if I could hold it, tears running down my cheeks. And it had nothing to do with my outer life. It never does.

So many things that I knew crumbled away. I watched as all my dreams faded into nothingness, to be replaced with at first fear and depression, later a complete emptiness, and finally to a point where I could see that none of it mattered, that everything that was happening was beautiful, even the pain. And then it all just went away.

My experience of life has changed. My desires have changed. Everything that felt stable has fallen out from under me, and it has left me with choices to make. After all this I found myself feeling smothered by this island. Before it felt like it was holding and nurturing me, but now it is as if it is keeping me caged here, pushing me into this land with a fierce energy. I know I need to leave here, at least for some time, and that realization scared me a lot at first. I wanted to cling to the familiar path that I drew for myself, afraid to let my spirit truly soar.

Everyone always says just to follow your heart, but how many of us really do? Our minds are so loud and overpowering, filling us with fear and making most of our decisions. My mind told me I was about to get everything I had ever dreamed of. I was about to have my land in the tropics and everything was falling into place. I'd be insane to leave. But my heart felt as free as the wind, ready to take me somewhere, to the place I have always known I needed to go: to the Arizona desert. My heart was also leading me to Jaden. Wherever he was going to be, I wanted to be there too. So I decided not to really think about it. I bought a plane ticket to Seattle, and I'm going to live there with Jaden for a couple months at most, before we head on south, to explore all the places that my heart is telling me I need to see before I can know anything else.

This is crazy right? Yes, it very well may be, but no matter what my mind tells me, there's this faith inside me which is so strong, telling me that I'm doing something so right for me. My mind is afraid, and sometimes it overtakes me, but my spirit is so content to feel so free in this world. Many adventures await me, and a big part of me is so excited to be following this dream that has been with me for longer than I've been in this body. What would happen if you just let go and followed your heart, without listening to the stories of the mind? Ask yourself, is this really the life that I want to keep living? Is there something my soul needs to experience before I leave this body? Let go, let yourself be lived by this higher power. Have faith.