This past week has been a whirlpool of thoughts, emotions, and experiences. I ended the fast after 2 days because it was working its magic so strongly that I didn't feel prepared for it. The emotions that were running through me were so strong I could barely breathe, and my body was becoming very weak from the deep cleansing. After the fast ended I just became completely overwhelmed with past pain. The memories felt so alive in me. A part of me was falling away. I just kept feeling like my whole life was crumbling around me, and it was like there was nothing left. I wasn't sure if I would get through it or how to try.
I began a watermelon mono diet a day after my fast was over. Before that I had become very ill after a bulimia relapse, but I refused to go back there, and I took every bit of strength I had and chose to eat only melons. Relapses still happen, and I know how dangerous it is every time I fall, but I'm getting stronger, and I know that there is nothing that will stop me on this journey. Setbacks are just a part of the road, and it's important not to become attached to anything along the way. Melons are a good food for me to eat for now, and they're great for healing my intestinal problems. As soon as I began eating them my mind began to clear and my body stopped hurting. All the confusion that had been plaguing me seemed suddenly unimportant. I just sat there, aware of all the pain and stress within me, but it was so insignificant. I experienced moments of complete presence, unable to keep from laughing, bliss filling me to a point where I didn't know if I could hold it, tears running down my cheeks. And it had nothing to do with my outer life. It never does.
So many things that I knew crumbled away. I watched as all my dreams faded into nothingness, to be replaced with at first fear and depression, later a complete emptiness, and finally to a point where I could see that none of it mattered, that everything that was happening was beautiful, even the pain. And then it all just went away.
My experience of life has changed. My desires have changed. Everything that felt stable has fallen out from under me, and it has left me with choices to make. After all this I found myself feeling smothered by this island. Before it felt like it was holding and nurturing me, but now it is as if it is keeping me caged here, pushing me into this land with a fierce energy. I know I need to leave here, at least for some time, and that realization scared me a lot at first. I wanted to cling to the familiar path that I drew for myself, afraid to let my spirit truly soar.
Everyone always says just to follow your heart, but how many of us really do? Our minds are so loud and overpowering, filling us with fear and making most of our decisions. My mind told me I was about to get everything I had ever dreamed of. I was about to have my land in the tropics and everything was falling into place. I'd be insane to leave. But my heart felt as free as the wind, ready to take me somewhere, to the place I have always known I needed to go: to the Arizona desert. My heart was also leading me to Jaden. Wherever he was going to be, I wanted to be there too. So I decided not to really think about it. I bought a plane ticket to Seattle, and I'm going to live there with Jaden for a couple months at most, before we head on south, to explore all the places that my heart is telling me I need to see before I can know anything else.
This is crazy right? Yes, it very well may be, but no matter what my mind tells me, there's this faith inside me which is so strong, telling me that I'm doing something so right for me. My mind is afraid, and sometimes it overtakes me, but my spirit is so content to feel so free in this world. Many adventures await me, and a big part of me is so excited to be following this dream that has been with me for longer than I've been in this body. What would happen if you just let go and followed your heart, without listening to the stories of the mind? Ask yourself, is this really the life that I want to keep living? Is there something my soul needs to experience before I leave this body? Let go, let yourself be lived by this higher power. Have faith.
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