I'm near the end of my 5th day fasting and so far it has gone very smoothly. I think all my time in the open air in the jungles of Hawaii, and eating all the pure local fruit there allowed my body to cleanse to a large degree. During my last fast, about 8 months ago, my body became much weaker and I felt and looked very sick the entire time, so much so that I stopped the fast on the 6th day. I've experienced a mild hunger most of the days so far, but nothing extreme, and when I do smell food, it smells very nice, but not like something I'd want to eat. My body is giving me a clear signal that what I'm doing is right.
I have felt quite peaceful the past 5 days, and so extremely blessed. I almost can't believe everything that I've been given. Each day feels like the best day of my life. A couple nights ago we had some friends over and everyone decided to form a healing circle around me. I lied there, feeling the beautiful energy of all these amazing souls. It was like I was surrounded by angels. Life continues to give me more than I ever imagined I would have. The abundance is never ending.
The longer I fast the more sensitive I become to everything around me. My sense of smell is very heightened. I feel everyone around me so strongly, like I'm so very connected to everyone and everything. When someone hugs me, the experience is so strong, more than the mind can comprehend.
Yesterday I went to the park and sat in the grass while everyone else went for a walk. I figured it was a good time to meditate since I was feeling a little off center. I sat very still and closed my eyes, prepared to face what was within me. Immediately I became very agitated. I wanted to run, to scream, to escape myself. It was terrible, but I vowed to face it. I thought "What is the point in this? Why would anyone put themselves through this?" Shortly afterwards I was given the answer which has been very true to my experience. My friends came back from their walk, so I opened my eyes and came back to the outer world. Everything looked so fresh and new. It's hard to describe, and the only way I know how is to say that a space opened up in me. A space which allowed the world to be, which allowed me to be. My thoughts had slowed down and I was just feeling everything. Every step I took was perfect, every sound was like music.
My experience yesterday made me think of the past year and the observations I have made after times of intense suffering. When I have been deep in depression, deeper than I thought it was possible to go, my mind would spin with thoughts, convincing me I wouldn't get through it, that life would always be more painful than I could bear. There is no way to describe how much it hurt to be alive. But as time went by I would find a way to observe my thoughts and emotions, even for a moment, and that would create a small space, enough for me to be able to slowly break free from the lies of the mind. Afterwards I would always experience more presence, more peace. For me, there is no spiritual growth without the struggles. For most of my life I thought that it wasn't right that people had to experience so much pain and suffering. But to me it has been my greatest gift.
Even now, people often tell me I look unhappy, and sometimes I am, but the more I live, the more suffering I live through, the more moments I have of complete stillness, of bliss. I've never been like other people, people who would laugh so much, and party so hard, running towards things that were fun and exciting. I have at times done those things, but I didn't feel at peace. Happiness is the emotion most would use to describe these experiences, but for me it was just stimulation, running from problems, using drugs, food, people, and situations, to hide from the pain inside that I didn't think I could face. But you have to face it sometime. The only way out is through. And on the other side of it is something which is infinitely more fulfilling than the happiness you experience from sensory stimulation. It's not going to be easy. For me it has been the most difficult thing I have ever faced, but I have no regrets, and I feel like I have been very blessed to lead this path.
I think most people assume that meditation is supposed to be a time of complete stillness and peace. So when they attempt to sit and be silent and they experience the opposite they give up thinking it isn't the right time or they're doing something wrong. But if you just sit through the noise and the pain that comes up, even if you think it is worthless, you will probably find that afterwards you feel so much better. Facing your demons doesn't always mean you have to do something about it. Sometimes, just observing what is within you and accepting it is enough to dissolve it and transmute it into something beautiful. But I know that it is very difficult to go there, and there is a time for it. Maybe it's not today. There is no hurry. You'll know when the time is right for you because that is when it will happen. Everything in life is like that. Nothing happens before its time. So there's nothing to be anxious about, nothing to force, just let it all be.
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