The Peace That I Seek

Tonight I am not here. Don’t look for me tonight for I have departed from this world and gone into the arms of my Beloved. My soul lives only where he exists. I have dissolved into him and there is no more of ‘me’ left; I am Him. All that remains is my body. My heart and my soul are far away from this place you call the Universe … Don’t look for me tonight. Tonight I don’t exist.

~ Rumi

 I ended up breaking my fast on the 10th day and since then my life has been very different. I stopped fasting because I could feel the pull of anorexia in my mind and it was growing stronger. I really wanted to heal, but I didn't want to risk a relapse. With Jaden's support I decided to start eating. It was at this point that I realized that my eating disorder had already become deeply ingrained in my mind. That's how anorexia is. It sneaks up on you and you don't realize how deep you're in until you decide you want to eat normally again. I ended up falling deep into bulimia for most of my first week of refeeding. I felt like I was dying, like my body would not last very much longer if I wasn't able to stop. Jaden pulled me through it though. I've never had anyone really support me like he did when I thought I couldn't pull myself out of it. I woke up on his birthday and decided for that day I could stop throwing up for him, and I did. Ever since then I've had the strength not to fall back, and I feel now like I'm stronger than I've ever been.

That was the heavy part of the story. After I stopped purging, I got to experience the benefits of my fast. I noticed when I woke up a few days later that my stomach wasn't hurting at all. I ate my fruit and I felt energized and light, just like I used to feel before I got sick. I also began taking a chromium supplement for the sensitivity I was having with melons, grapes and apples and it cured me of the pain I was experiencing from eating those fruits. Of most significance though is the fact that it only took a 10 day fast to improve my colitis to a degree where I know my body can continue to heal on its own. I have energy now and fruit makes me feel more alive. I am filled with gratitude.

After being in Seattle for 6 weeks I decided to come home to visit my family. I knew I really wanted to see everyone in Nova Scotia before winter and this would also be a great time to get a break from the city and be in the woods for a couple of weeks. I've only been home for 2 days, but I am so happy to get to spend some time with my mom and little sister. Tomorrow I am going to see my older sister and soon after that I will see my father. My dog Joey is so happy that I'm home.

Me and my beautiful Joey:)

It is grape season and tomorrow I am starting a grape mono diet, maybe for the weeks that I am in Nova Scotia(perfect timing since there is pretty much no other quality fruit here). I always feel more calm and balanced on mono diets. My body feels much lighter and energetic and my mind is freed from almost all thoughts about eating and food preparation. Feeling hungry? Eat Grapes. Simple. Beautiful. That is how life was meant to be.


I've watched myself  become lost in ego lately and I am finding it very difficult to face my true self at all. I'm  living very much on the surface, keeping myself occupied with things, people, drama. This is very much the life I lived for the first 20 years I was alive, the same life many people live until they die. You look outside yourself for fulfillment. No matter what you get or achieve there is always this feeling of emptiness, and you know there has to be more to living. I am often happy and grateful and my life is very beautiful, but there is something so much bigger out there, and I know that my journey here is just beginning. I've experienced moments of total silence, of divine grace and bliss, and in these moments I know God. I am God. I see that all that I am and all that the world is is perfection. Nothing exists in these moments because there is no separation. Of course, I have known only moments of this peace, but even one glimpse of truth is enough to set one free. My path is clear to me now. The road to peace is never as simple as living a mediocre life of searching for things to make you happy. It takes great courage to step out of the world that everyone around you is living in that is comfortable and safe and journey into the blackness. Sometimes you just aren't ready for it and you need to step back. When I become frustrated with myself for falling into the comfort of egoic control it only strengthens the ego, making life miserable. If I let go of the illusion of time and remember that there is no hurry for anything in life, knowing that I can just live, there is great peace in that.

I know that my greatest purpose in life is to become peace, to become the divine bliss that will spread throughout the entire universe like a wave. There isn't a thing in the world I need to change outside of myself. The process of awakening has begun, in me, and in so many others all around the world, and there is no way to stop it. Release resistance to time and space and you will see that you are already there, living the love and peace that you have been searching for outside of you. When you are living in resistance to reality then the world looks like a terrible place sometimes. People and situations appear to be the cause of pain and unhappiness within you, but know that it is a lie. Face the darkness within yourself and you will see that it is nothing but light. Know that you are peace and that experiencing that peace is your birthright. Surrender to reality even if it doesn't fit into the expectations of your mind. Everything is beautiful when there is no resistance to what is.