With Great Expectations...

We're told to expect great things, or sometimes even mediocre things, but always to plan ahead. When I went through some of my worst depression and was put into the hospital all the therapists wanted to know what my future plans were. When I told them I didn't have any and wanted to live in the present they told me that was my problem and insisted I come up with a five year plan. I've had a lot of days now, just sitting here, looking at my expectations, and realizing that they are what brings suffering. When in your mind you see things going a certain way and then they don't, you feel like you did something wrong, or that life just isn't working in your favour, and that can make you cynical, depressed, angry, and you might lose hope when nothing was wrong in the first place. Can anything ever really go wrong? Deep down I really don't think it can. We all have these ideals on the surface, every one of us, but they're all different. All our opinions on what is right and wrong, they were born through culture, on ideas that mostly haven't been around for very long. If I really look within I see that almost everything I've believed is untrue.

My body has been sick the past few days, resisting food very strongly. I'm mostly at peace with it though. When I think about this wonderful life that I live, of every beautiful moment I've been given, how can I be ungrateful? That doesn't mean I'm not going to do everything I can to heal. I'm just not going to fight the reality of this moment. I got a book entitled "Instinctive Nutrition". It was recommended in that book I read last month about instinctive eating. It's strange to be reading these books which aren't supportive of vegan diets, or really any labels at all. Reading them is helping me to become more humble. You know how when you believe in something like veganism, treading lightly on the earth, or living a certain way, and you feel superior to have this label, and everyone you talk to you feel like you want to convince them that what you're doing is right? It's not a good feeling to me, very defensive. Well, what if we could let it all go? What would it be like to be nothing and to be everything all at once? To love everyone and everything because the world is so perfect just the way it is? I think it is the deepest peace, a life of surrender and unconditional love.

My sleep cycle is becoming so in tune with nature. When the sun starts to go down in the afternoon, around 6:30, I begin to feel very calm and sleepy. It's funny, I have a solar light in my cabin, but I rarely use it. I'm beginning to feel like artificial lighting confuses me, and the light of the day is all I want. So, as it gets dark out I relax in my big comfy bed(the one I dreamed about for so long), and I fall into the deepest, most peaceful sleep I've ever known. I wake up in the morning, usually a half hour or an hour before the sun rises. I find that a really good time to meditate, and then watch the sun kiss the trees as it comes up. There's something so magical in the sun's light. In the morning, when I have my long walk to the bus stop, I get to feel the early morning sun on my skin, and it just feels like pure unconditional love, the most beautiful thing in the world.

I got a rollinia that weighed about 4 pounds yesterday. It was so ripe it was falling apart, oozing custard, so I got a deal on it. I have another variety of jakfruit that the man down the road says I will love, but it won't be ripe for a couple more days. I also have some organic mameys from the fruit stand here. This food wasn't cheap, but I need to do what is necessary to eat right now.

I've been going through a very intense period this past week. I spent two days in complete solitude, not uttering a single word, passing through so many emotional states. Then I talked with my family yesterday and I missed them so much. I felt so lonely and out of place. I didn't know who I was anymore or what I wanted. In the afternoon I fell into deep depression and I felt doomed to spend the rest of the day alone. I was so restless, my thoughts racing, so I decided to go for a walk. I walked for hours and hours, allowing the thoughts and emotions to be. I realized that so much, if not all of my suffering was being caused through my resistance to going through what I was going through. I noticed repetitive thoughts: "I can't go through this again. I was over this. I've suffered enough. I don't deserve this. I'm different. I've changed. This isn't how I wanted my life to go." And through it all I noticed expectations of this person I was suppossed to be now. I saw myself as being through all my depression and emerging as a different person. I've spent so long in such fear of going back to who I was, in such a tight state of resistance, that through it I became who I've been for a very long time: Someone who resists what is, so lives in suffering. What if I could let go and be free to experience anything, even things which in the past I have labelled as wrong or bad?

As I walked yesterday I looked at everything around me, all the trees, the rocks, the animals, living in complete peace. I'm learning so much from them. They seem to resist nothing, to be so completely present and alive. I realized that as long as you're thinking you can't really see. When my dad put me into art classes when I was 14 the teacher told me that through art we were learning to see. I remember contemplating what she said, wondering what she'd meant by it. Had we not been seeing things our entire lives? As I drew I always thought about what she said and I began to notice that when I truly saw something as it was there were no thoughts. When I truly became one with my art my mind became empty and I became filled with so much joy and peace. It's been a long time since I've been in that state. Shortly after finding such fulfillment in art I stopped because of expectations I had for myself. People began to praise my work and suddenly all I cared about was pleasing them, every one of them, and art became a chore. The thoughts of failure would rush with every brushstroke and I began to hate it. So I stopped. For a little while I tried to gain back the acceptance I felt in the beginning when I did art just for me, but I never found it. For me expectations are a curse. So for today, I vow to let it be, every moment, exactly as it is.

Land of cinders, my tropical desert

4 pounds of rollinia cream:)

It was so delicious!

Durian tree is growing beautifully:)

 

Fresh baby durian I bought

It was so amazing!!!Vanilla cream! I planted the sprouting seed:)

Local Kalapana mango...need I say why I want to live there?

Yesterdays abundance:)

The Green Goddess

She shares her wisdom

Life is Sweet:)

For some reason I was feeling a little depressed earlier in the day. I was talking to my mom, complaining about going hungry yesterday, and not having food today, and it hit me after that how utterly ridiculous I was sounding. I was playing the pity card, and for no real reason at all. After I got off the phone (I found a wireless place in Pahoa, a museum that sells smoothies) I sat and thought about how fortunate I was and for how many things I was thankful for. The bus came and picked me up, and I did feel a lot better, just by changing my reaction to the situation. I was tired, and having to walk home without food was challenging, but just as I was getting to my road I saw a man selling fruit. I figured it was just another person selling green bananas, but it was worth a look. I asked if he had anything ripe, and he said that yes, it was all ripe, and it was. He sold me a champedak, my very first one(the last one I got was actually a champejak, a mix of jakfruit and champedak) for only $4. He warned me though, that it was so ripe it was about to burst all over me. He also sold me some wi(pronounced "vee")apples. He told me they were sort of like mangoes, and very ripe. They were very large and 3 for $1! I happily walked back home with my arms loaded with goodies, so hungry I just wanted to sit in the road and start eating. I found a very soft eggfruit that the chickens were after so I picked that up and brought it back to my home. Josanna's fruit stand had some star apples(they taste like creamsickles to me, very strange, but very delicious) and 2 perfectly ripe rollinias which I bought for $6 total. I decided to start by eating the champedak since I was afraid it might not last too much longer, and the smell was making my mouth water. I opened it up and saw what looked like little jakfruit sections, but they were a creamy yellowish white. I thought maybe they weren't properly ripened - until I took a bite. I felt the taste of this fruit with my entire body. So sweet, so creamy, it was like I left my seat in the grass and floated up into the clouds. I just sat there, lost in time, eating almost the entire fruit. As soon as I finished I felt so refreshed and alive. My body craved movement.
I decided to get on my bike and head to the beach, just 6kms down the road. I felt so alive. I took my towel to lie in the sun, surrounded by palm trees. I forgot my camera, but I'll bring it with me next time. After I felt filled with the light of the sun I went to swim in the gigantic hot pond. It was almost deserted so I just floated on my back with my eyes closed. A very powerful healing transformation took place in the water there. As I lied there I imagined a healing energy enveloping me in the water. I went back to a place that was before my time in the womb, where I was completely nurtured, with limitless energy and potential. I let the water carry me, and I surrendered to it completely. Afterwards I felt a new sense of life within me, and the bicycle ride home was effortless, my body was moving like it was born to. I felt no sense of fatigue. Every hill I climbed at the most difficult speed on my bike and felt like I was barely moving. I was weightless.

For so many years I tortured myself, wanting to disappear to a point where I would not leave a footstep and no one would see me. Now I have found this weightlessness, but in a way that is filled with grace. I'm in my element now and the earth surrounds me with its loving embrace. I don't pollute my mother earth by driving a car, by eating food that's been shipped around the globe, by pouring chemicals onto my body and then into the water. I don't pollute my body with food that is half rotten, or has been sitting on a shelf for 6 months. I eat mostly organic, and all the fruit I eat has been grown locally, a large percentage of it within feet of where I live. I don't mean to criticize anyone who still relies on things that aren't ideal, for there is a time for everything, and for me I think that time has passed, but I can't see the future, and one never knows what is to come.

It's strange, sometimes I'll go the entire day without uttering a word and I don't even notice until for some reason I need to say something. Even then, I usually only speak a few words. It wasn't my intention to become silent here, but it is something I have wanted to do for a very long time. It's very scary sometimes, to a degree you can only imagine, but isn't it always scary to meet the person you know you will spend the rest of your life with? It's also very magical, learning what love really is, and what it isn't.

I meditate every morning now. You don't know how strange that is to me. For years I have read and learned of the benefits of meditation, but have only attempted a couple times. Just sitting there, alone, even for a minute was too daunting. I guess it's like that for a lot of people, that's why we have excuses of why we can't do it, or why now isn't the right time in our lives. The right time for it is when we decide to do it. Forcing isn't the way. If I don't want to I won't, as simple as that. I am gradually increasing my time, finding that the time I started with just isn't as much as I would like. I end each meditation, usually completely amused by the fact that I don't want to be finished. It makes me feel more peaceful, and increases my sense of gratitude for every gift that I have been given.

I watch the law of attraction in action here, and it keeps amazing me how quickly absolutely everything I think about manifests. It's unbelievable. There is so much magic in the land here. Where I am now is some of the newest land on the planet, with so much energy and potential within it. I still haven't made it to my property on cinder road, but I think I'll head out there tomorrow. I did walk a short ways onto the road while I was waiting for the bus and the energy was so vibrant. There was so little traffic. Just one nice lady who sits at the end of the road selling a few fruits and veggies. As soon as I move there I'm going to grow so much food. I was planning it today, thinking about growing tomatoes, squash, peppers, melons, and other things that will fruit very quickly, and I will sell those at the end of the road or at the Green Lake Friday Fruit Market, just down the road. I was also thinking what an amazing retreat I could start there if I needed money to pay for the land. The silence down there is amazing, and I could build a tiny Bali hut as a meditation retreat. Everything good in life is free though, I can really see that now.

I still have yet to meet any friends here, but I guess it isn't the time for that right now. I can feel things falling into place just as they're meant to, and when I need a friend, one will be there. I have gotten to spend my time in silence to think about being completely alone, and what that means to me. I've always wondered if, to get to our highest spiritual potential, we need to be alone, and I've been thinking about that so much lately. I haven't really come to a conclusion, and I don't know if there is one. Being alone with myself is very special, but being with others is so important to me as well. I learn so much both ways, and I cherish both, but I don't feel like we're meant to have one without the other.

I guess I've gone on long enough for today. The sun is setting, and my alertness is going with it. To all my family, I love you and miss you, and hopefully I'll talk to you soon..


 

Silence at sunrise

The quilt is well on its way:)

Happy Morning

Super yummy champedak

Fruitarian Abundance:)

Glowing eggfruit-so much life!

The organic super local collection:)

Lizard Love

Wild Child

Disappearing for a While

start of the quilt I'm making...I'm actually almost half done by now, but didn't take another photo

my magical room:)

New home, new friend

right outside my window. All through the night I smell flowers

I got a rollinia from Josannas fruit stand!

Mmmm, tasted like fresh lemon custard:)

comfy bed:)

Notcie the words above my door- that's why I'm here

 

Silent reverence

I got to Josanna's Organics 2 days ago and have been living on complete silence there. I have no internet or people to talk to, so I'm going to be spending some quality time by myself. At first I was very afraid, and maybe you will relate, because to be completely with yourself, nothing to lose yourself in, can be terrifying at first. So often, we spend our whole lives running from ourselves, but we'll never get anywhere. I know this month is going to be powerful. Maybe it will be hard at times, lonely, terrifying, but I'm here for it, no running, and that makes me feel so good. I've maken a vow to be with myself, to love and respect myself no matter what happens, no matter how I react.

It is impossible to put to words the beauty of the place where I live. I woke up on my first morning there, fruit trees surrounding my home, animals living joyously all over the farm, flowers perfuming my cabin. As the sun was rising I walked along the road to the bus stop and I was brought to tears. There are seas of a'a' lava most of the walk there, and it would be impossibe for anyone to walk very far on it, so it is completely deserted. So silent, so peaceful. To be there was to be with god. I am so grateful for my time there.

I have to catch my bus very soon, so I will keep this short. Looks like I might be able to update in a week or so. Until then, peace be with you:) 

Energy

Since being sick the past few days I've had a lot of time to sit and think and also gain some insight from the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. He said something in a video yesterday which I had never really thought of. He was talking about people who were sick and/or experiencing a lot of pain. He said that while these people may eat well, and have a healthy lifestyle they can become very ill and experience great pain because they spend no time in their body. They're so busy with their mind, they never even stop to ask themselves "am I alive? Am I breathing?" People can be walking around, without ever feeling the brilliance of being a living being. He also talked about pain and suffering, and how, in it's simplest form, it is just energy, which is neither good or bad, and by truly being in the body, and sensing this energy we can transmute it as pleasure, or at least just as a sensation, but not necessarily as pain. 

I spent today thinking about all I learned yesterday, and testing it on myself to the best of my abilities. I was having some pain in the morning while I was riding on the bus, and I just closed my eyes and focused on the sensation and movement of this pain. It felt like spiraling energy throughout my abdomen, and as I was truly there in my body, feeling everything within me, I experienced no pain. It was a really beautiful experience, not something I can explain, but it felt very healing. No resistance.  

Someday I'll have dreads like this:) Beautiful♥

Why I'm Here



My new bicycle basket filled with organic bananas from the market



I just thought I'd update to let everyone, especially my family, know that I'm feeling better. I spent much of my day just lying in bed watching the sunshine's reflection on the trees. The light shines so beautifully all around my bed. It is so wonderful not having walls and being so close to nature. Geckos have been climbing all around me as I sit here, and the wind has been coming right through my bed, keeping me feeling fresh and cooled down from the high fever.



I feel very blessed to have had this day of rest. Ever since waking up this morning I knew today was going to be very powerful. I felt unbelievably weak this morning, like my body was just giving up. I sat in silence for a very long time, looking deep within to try and see why I had been given this day and this situation. All I knew was that it was a very good thing and that I required a lot of rest and a complete respect of my body and it's ability to heal itself. 



I watched videos of Eckhart Tolle and gained so much inspiration and faith from them. I also started to read "A Course in Miracles" which I'm enjoying so far. It begins with this:

   Nothing real can be threatened.

   Nothing unreal exists.

  Herein lies the peace of god. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about my purpose here. I always used to think it must be something really grand because there were so many things in the world that I wanted to see change, and I was so passionate about getting out there and fighting the good fight. I've changed so much though, and now the thought of trying to change anyone or anything seems ridiculous and completely unnecessary. I am here to learn, to experience, and most of all to love. Now when I look within to see when I feel the most passionate and fulfilled, I see that it is during times of feeling unconditional love for everyone I meet. Times I feel the most out of balance are when I am judging the world, thinking it's not perfect just the way it is. That is something very new to me, but very true. When I see things in the world that seem wrong, or unfair, or ugly, I realize it is only things within myself that I have believed to be this way. The world is perfect. The only journey I have is within. I think one of the very first quotes I started carrying with me, when I was about 16, was this one by Gandhi: "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." I thought it was so brilliant, but it wasn't until more recently that I began to understand it's meaning in a different way. I used to think of fighting for animal rights, convincing people to turn their health around, to respect the earth, to love one another. These were changes I wanted to see, but by fighting, and resisting reality all I would accomplish is more of the same. Who am I to know what is true or right for anyone else?

For me, to be silent, to live my truth, and just to experience this beautiful world unfolding as it is, that is a true gift, and I strive to move more towards acceptance and surrender each day.



Tired, but feeling very peaceful



Humility

I'm currently in the midst of a very humbling situation. It's very intense and I've sat here for hours today just crying. Yesterday I became very sick. My stomach and intestines are hurting and burning a lot, and last night I was throwing up, dehydrated, and with a massive migraine headache. Late into the night I was awake, in so much pain that I just prayed for death. I wanted to scream, but knew it wouldn't change anything. I was forced to be completely present. I could not think one moment in the past or future because the pain kept me completely in the now. It was very scary and I felt more vulnerable than I have ever felt in my life. It's morning now and I'm still shaking uncontrollably, my head pounding in pain. I'm so weak I feel like I can't even get out of bed.

Yesterday's events played a big role in my physical breakdown. I was surrounded by too many people and I felt like my personal space was completely invaded. Everyone's energy seemed so intense and it was everywhere, surrounding me, and I couldn't breathe. Too many people, and too long in a very crowded area with so much noise, smoking, pollution.

Everything I'm going through is teaching me a new respect for myself. I keep thinking that I'm like most everyone else and should react like them, but I know I'm more sensitive, and instead of seeing that as a weakness I could see it as a gift. I sort of feel like I'm meeting myself for the first time. It's very strange finding out so many things about myself that I had no idea of. I'm not dismissing my feelings and reactions anymore. I came here largely on a journey to embrace my true goddess nature, not even knowing what that would entail, but I think it is being given to me. There are no mistakes, and I truly have no regrets. I know it is all a gift, even if I can't always see it.   

So where now? I don't know. I know I want to respect myself in every way possible, and that is such a change from how it has been for so long. I'm only beginning to see the damage, the punishment I have laid on myself for so many years. Somewhere along the line I stopped listening to myself, and when I watch my mind now I see that most things I do and think are an attempt to hurt myself more, to neglect my inner child who is too traumatized to even cry out anymore. Things are changing though and it is so beautiful to see. So for now I will sit here watching, smiling, crying, just being here.

 

Crystal Children

For many years up until very recently I thought something was wrong with me, that I was so different from everyone else that no one would ever understand or respect me. Just after leaving Hawaii in the autumn I met a spiritual healer online who was living on the Big Island. She wanted to understand me, and helped me to find out my current aura color. I found out I was almost a pure crystal. When I first learned about it I felt slightly comforted knowing that there was a reason I felt different. Over the past few months I have read more about crystal auras and crystal children. While I don't really like to use labels, it is fair to say that most people use labels for people who are different. Those who are being called indigo children or crystal children may have gone many years being called freaks, autistic, problem children, etc, making them feel like they are lacking in some way. While reading about crystal children I saw this list of attributes which spoke to me very deeply because I see almost all these things in myself.

Attributes of the Crystal Children



* Extremely sensitive to everything in their environment -sound, colors, negative emotions in others, smells, food, chemicals, pollutants, the "feel" of clothing, violence, and pain of others, group consciousness, electromagnetic frequencies, solar flares.






* So sensitive that they are deeply vulnerable, as well as very powerful because of their intense vulnerability.






* They must have alone time. They do not live well in groups as few others understand their need for solitude, balance, rejuvenation, and deep quiet.






* They must have daily communion with nature and elements. The Spirit of Nature will help them balance and clear all of the disharmonious energies that affect them so strongly.






* They just plain do not understand "Man's inhumanity to Man," war, greed, etc., and thus can easily feel totally overwhelmed by it all.






* If life should become too intense, or if they are traumatized or see and feel others being traumatized they will withdraw and disconnect from society in order to protect themselves.






* Despite being quiet and self-effacing, others admire and are drawn to them like a magnet. They will have deep and lasting connections with humans who offer the unconditional love that the Crystal knows is the only true Love.






* When a Crystal looks at you, you feel as if they have penetrated your very soul.






* They really need very little traditional parenting as they are gentle, wise, and will be able to tell you what they need, as well as what is good or not good for them. When my son was very young, he said one day, "I can never drink alcohol or take any drugs at all!" And he hasn't!






* They will often avoid crowds or malls, as there are too many different energies at such places for them to cope with.






* They have a deep love for children and animals, and a remarkable way of connecting with all creatures.






* Water is very beneficial in clearing and soothing them. They love baths, showers, waterfalls, fountains, playing in water and sand.






* They require comfortable clothing of their choice of natural fibers and colors.






* They require lots of pure water and often prefer fresh organic food.






* It is not uncommon for these children to 'tell' their parents their name before they are born, and engage in other direct communication.






* Miracles and magic happen around them - money appears, animals seek them out, babies smile at them, healings occur naturally and spontaneously.






* They are extremely empathic to the point of knowing what a complete stranger in the street is feeling.






* They have a fear of intimacy because they so easily feel invaded, not respected. They would rather be alone than have their "personal body space" disregarded. They may also avoid romantic relationships for fear of hurting another if the relationship ends.






* There is an innocence, a guilelessness, a purity about Crystals; this is due to the absence of ego.






* They may need help in learning to ground their energy with physical activity, nature, sports, martial arts, yoga or dance.






* They may disrupt electrical appliances, radios, TVs, computers.






* They often refrain from showing emotion for fear of its amplification and losing control. This can make them appear to be flat or passionless.






* They can feel responsible for someone dying or getting hurt or even fighting.






* They can have periods of deep depression.






* They respond well to body work, massage, and energy work by someone who is themselves balanced. Massage and cranio-sacral therapy may be crucial to keeping their bodies healthy and pain-free.






* They will often have a high metabolism and be natural vegetarians.






* They are bright, "big-picture" individuals with an instinctual understanding of the spiritual laws, and of how it all works.






* They have a clear connection to their higher self, naturally accessing their highest guidance. It is precisely because of this connection that they know the truth of spiritual Oneness.






* They are natural healers and peacemakers.






* They are multi-talented.






* They are capable of regeneration of bone and tissue. Where most of us are gradually being upgraded - ascending to the Crystal energy, it is already in their DNA.






* They may be individuals of a few words, but everyone listens when they quietly express their wisdom with humility. However, they will not give advice without being asked and will never interfere.



I've been thinking a lot lately about how alienated I have felt, and about all these things I haven't accepted and loved about myself. My shyness and quietness has been something that I saw as a curse for pretty much my entire life. I cannot explain to you how much pain I have gone through because of not accepting the way I am, and not seeing that everything about me is a gift. It has only been very recently that I've started to question these thoughts of unworthiness, guilt, and shame, and it's beginning to seem clear to me that there is no reason not to love myself. I'm in the beginning of my journey, but I can see the light now, and everything is very good.