21 Day Fast-Day 9

This fast has been testing me. On Day 7 I became very weak. It's been hard to get up even to go to the bathroom, especially at night. I'm very lucky to have Jaden to help me. He brings me water, carries me around, and helps me get through the things I'm facing. Physically, this has been very hard. At times I am very hungry and just really want to eat. My weight is down quite a bit, under 100 pounds now, and that has been hard on me. With my long past with eating disorders sometimes I have a hard time telling the difference between that past and what I am experiencing now. On the outside it is the same thing, but the inner journey is the opposite. This time it is to heal, not to die.

The emotional detox has been really tough. It feels like it's bigger than me, smothering me. Sometimes I really don't think I can get through it. There is nothing between me and this pain, nowhere to hide. It is teaching me great humility, but I'm not there yet. There is still so much self judgement and hate inside and that is being projected onto the whole world. The guilt I feel sometimes is so strong. I'm doing everything I can to be present with it and allow it to be. That is the only way to let it go. I know that some extremely powerful things are happening within me right now, and it is taking so much strength, but I'm ready to face it. Some people need to hide, and that is their path, but it's not mine. I know its not.

There are so many things I'm grateful for, and I know it's very important to realign myself with the abundance that is around me, so I will list all the blessings I have in my life right now. Do the same, it can really help turn your life around.

• *My self healing body. It is working so hard to heal and become vibrantly alive.
• *My amazing, caring boyfriend, Jaden.
• *My beautiful friend, Leila
• *My mom, who supports me no matter what crazy ideas I have
• *Rowenna, for being so true to her own path, no matter what anyone else says. 
• *For my time in Seattle and having the right atmosphere to be able to do this fast.
• *For having the opportunities to go and do anything I desire. Even without a job I have been able to travel to so many amazing places, and I will continue to do so.
• *For all the beautiful fruit that comes to me no matter where I am. Fruitarianism is simple when you believe in the abundance of life!
• *The Sunshine! It feeds me with its golden rays!
• *All the vibrant souls who pass through my life every day. People are so beautiful and they all teach me such important lessons.
• *For being ALIVE! There is so much I have yet to experience.

I'm sure there are many more things. Life seems to be filled with more abundance than I could ever have imagined. Anything I have ever wanted comes to me. It is our right to be surrounded in beauty, no matter who we are or what we have done in the past. Our souls are all connected and when one person realizes that they are worthy of love and beauty, it begins to spread like a ripple on the lake. You can change the whole world, not by fighting for change, but by surrendering to what you truly are.