Pilgrimage

I haven't written here in a very long time, but I felt like writing today and I knew my words belonged here, where I used to find some space from the world. 

Two years ago I wrote a journal entry about a pilgrimage, one which I was too afraid to embark on at the time, which I will share with you: 


"I can feel it strongly today, the urge to leave everything behind and just hit the road, no destination. Maybe it's just the autumn. For me that is always a time for everything to fall away. Peace Pilgrim has inspired me by her journey of faith. I've always been so afraid, convinced it would be crazy for a young woman to just walk this earth alone, nothing and no one to protect her. But if you have love in your heart, and KNOW above everything else that this universe is good, then nothing bad can happen. What is there to fear anyway? Death? Molestation? Violence? I have molested my own mind for so long, have tortured this body. No one can hurt me without my consent- and why would I give it? There is no death to fear. It is a concept made up by humans and we've got it all wrong. Existence is a circle, one which can't be broken. 

The thought of this pilgrimage is very exciting, but also filled with an intense combination of deep despair and grace. It is a decision to leave everything behind, every attachment, every comfort, all security. It is also a decision to embrace reality, god, existence outside of MYSELF. This journey is one of truth, one which I will take in my own name, but with the intention of releasing all names. There's nothing I need to hold onto, and I see myself journeying deep into the the darkness of my mind and facing everything I've been running from for as long as I can remember.   

A map, I thought to myself, I must have a map. But to where? what is my destination? I realized that I didn't have one. So what do I need? Not much. Maybe nothing at all. I keep thinking about finding fruit, about going without, but if I have a strong faith that I will always find just what I need then even that is nothing to fear.

This journey is one I've always known I would take, but somehow I thought it wouldn't be in this lifetime. It seemed so far away. But I feel it getting closer, racing towards me, and it's going to happen as all things in the universe do, without control and always at the right time.

Being a lone wanderer -- I have rejected it for so long, said that it wasn't me, but somehow it keeps finding me. I get lost in people, lose sight of my path and I retreat into myself. I've never been comfortable with my attachments. Alone, I begin to see myself, but when I retreat in the comfort of looking for acceptance through someone else I lose all respect for myself. My path isn't easy and sometimes I run from it, wishing to live as I see many people live, running and hiding, lost in the world of stimulation, waiting for someone to make it ok, but as soon as I live that way it rejects me, tells me that I can't run anymore. Resistance hurts. I just want to let this life unfold as it wants to. There is fear within me, but it's not me. Lately I have felt a separation between the despair and fear I have experienced and my true self. In that there is peace."


Since then I have travelled freely, hitchhiking around the United States, living sometimes with no money at all, sleeping under awnings and trees and stars. A lot of the time I travelled with men, some of whom I loved, some I used only to keep me safe, convincing myself they meant something to me. I lived wrecklessly, always on a race to get to the next place, taking, always taking, and giving very little back. 

Last winter I decided to hang up my hiking boots and go back to Hawaii to try to find some peace within myself. I told myself I wouldn't wander anymore and I would find a place to live in the jungle and try to stop running from myself. I did just that. I got a tiny shack with nothing in it but a wooden platform to sleep on. I had virtually no belongings, and I settled in there with some books and my native american flute, trying to release the fear of being alone with myself. I had done so many things in the previous year which I felt disgusted about myself for. I hurt people I loved. I slept with men I didn't know or care for. I ran away from love and feeling and I abandoned anyone who seemed to see the pain in me. And here I was, alone in the woods, nothing to numb away the person who I'd become. It felt like too much. I felt so lonely and scared. 

I started spending more time in the city, selling jewelry, and mostly just watching people, hoping someone would take me away from myself. Then I met Chris. The story of us is long and still has sharp edges, so I will leave most of it for another day. I immediately transitioned from my inner seeking to becoming obsessed with him. I fell in love with him in a way I never had with anyone and lost myself to him. We decided to be homeless together, often sleeping above a waterfall, living without a need for money, having adventures. There were a lot of hard times, as we had to comprimise a lot and being homeless can be stressful, but somehow we made it work. 

But it ended, as I guess everything has to eventually, and I didn't cope well with it. I saw how much of myself I had put into the relationship, using it as an escape. I realized how selfish I have been, not just with Chris, but with everyone, for a very long time. I've swung from one man to the next, always looking for someone to complete me, to make it ok, but of course no one ever could, and I've always given up who I am in relationships. I've sat here for the past month since Chris and I have broken up, feeling mostly depressed and empty, but every once in a while a little shimmer of something beautiful sneaks in. I know there is so much beauty and I've been cut off from it for fear of feeling pain. 

This morning I was out running and halfway through it started to rain. Immediately thoughts of how terrible it was started to go through my mind. I was feeling irritable, shut off, and so tired I just didn't want to go on anymore. Then I asked myself "what if I didn't resist the rain? What if I didn't resist the pain inside me anymore?" and the question silenced me into an experience of openness. In that moment it started to rain so hard I could barely see and every raindrop felt like pure energy, lighting me up inside. I began to run so fast I felt like I was flying. The energy was no longer restricted or "mine", it was the energy of the universe and it didn't have limits. I got a chance to see how thoughts create our world, and I know it's time I question some of my beliefs.

I've decided it's finally time to go on the pilgrimage that I wrote of. I will take very little, and I won't associate with people or take anything from anyone. This is an inner quest in which I need to walk away from all the people and distractions I've used to keep me from knowing my true self. There are still so many lies I hold within myself which I need to question. I'm very scared, mostly of myself, that I will quit when I got cold and wet and lonely, but I've learned that in life you need to take risks and live without regrets. Better to fail than never to have tried. 

I will walk for a month, to Prince Edward Island, a place that as a little girl always seemed so magical to me. 1000 kilometers. I don't expect it to take all my troubles away. I don't know that I expect very much of it at all. Something about it just feels right and I know I need to go.

New Website

goddessamulets.etsy.com

New Blog

I've started a new blog to continue documenting my experience through this crazy life. Feel free to come check it out :)

http://gypsyspiritjourney.blogspot.ca/

Namaste

Garden of Eden

I haven't blogged in a while, but somehow I noticed that after I had been here about 3 months, my last year's blog entry that I wrote at the 3 month mark of my trip to Hawaii, was republished. I don't know how it happened, but reading it, I noticed how different my experience is this time. I really don't have anything to share, except for my outer experience, which is so much in alignment with this blog, I feel like I need to write about it.

Today I went to the Maku'u farmer's market in the morning and got a rollinia, some chocolate sapotes, and a giant super ripe jackfruit! It was too giant, so massive I could barely move it. I asked the farmer if I could just buy part of it, but he said only if I could find someone who wanted to buy the other part. I walked around, not sure what to do because it smelled so good, and I really wanted jackfruit, but I was on foot(only one good foot since a nail had gone through the other one and I could barely limp my way around.) and would be hitchiking home, with a good chance of walking a very long way. I decided to buy it, and figured the universe would find a way to get me home with this beautiful fruit. As I was paying for it a nice young guy came and asked if I would share it with him, so he bought half from me. We chopped it with a machete and went our separate ways, each with our amazing bounty. I ate as much as I could before leaving the market(and by the way, this was the best jackfruit ever! a soft one, super creamy and so sweet.), and got unbelievably lucky, ending up with a ride all the way home, without needing to wait at all.

Around noon time, my friend Leaf from down the road came to visit and pick some avocados. He brought me all kinds of seedling fruit and veggie plants, and we spent a good while working in my gardens here. Later we went exploring into the jungle, to a place not far from where I live. It was an abandoned fruit orchard, bigger and more bountiful than you can imagine. We filled backpacks with coconuts, oranges, lemons, longans(there were more than we could pick or ever eat, hanging from the branches like clumps of grapes, weighing down the trees.), pomellos, papayas, and so many other fruits just coming into season. There were mass amounts of soursops, which are all becoming ripe, small jackfruits which will be ready in some months, tons of avocado trees which are in blossom, abius, every kind of citrus, and god knows what else. We were only there a short time, and I feel like every tree there was a fruit tree. If I stay here I will never need to buy fruit again. No one knows about this place, and I think I will keep it that way. It was the garden of eden I have always imagined. I think the way my mind is manifesting things here is pretty wild. I dreamed of this place, but never believed it could be real.. The energy there was calm and soothing. Hanging out with Leaf was really fun too, and how could you not have a good time exploring the jungle, eating the best fruits in the world?

This is just a short entry, and quite possibly the last one you'll see for a while, maybe ever. I manifested it all here. This is a fruitarian's paradise, but Kalapana is the site of the active volcano flow. The land here is forcing its lesson on you, that nothing will ever last, that all attachment will cause so much suffering. And it will keep giving you examples of this, it will keep breaking your heart, and taking everything from you, until you learn. This is the harshest environment I have ever lived in. And it sounds funny being that its also the most beautiful, calm, heavenly place I have ever been or feel that I will ever be. But it's not what it seems, not even a little bit. It's God, in your face, with no distractions, nowhere to run. If you're not ready for it, things can be bad. Really bad. There is nothing here, NOTHING, and even though it is everywhere, here you can see it without trying, and your ego will need to cling to a something, to anything, and it can't anymore. The illusion is gone. I don't know what's going to happen. This is deeper than I thought it was possible to go and I'm lost in it, in a sea of darkness, but somehow I know I am home, always. There's something so deep inside of me which feels safe, and it's too deep for me to experience most of the time, but I know it's there. All I need to do now is live. There is nothing else.

Dreams

I didn't think I'd be blogging again for a while, but today I felt that it was time for an update, as so much has changed in the past weeks.

As the winter solstice approached, I could feel a strong energy flowing through me. It was very wild and so powerful. sometimes it took over me. I was filled with a lot of fear and sadness. It really felt like the world was ending at times and my sense of control was completely gone. I felt like this power, which was bigger than anything I had ever experienced, was a part of me, and I began to see that it could do as it pleased with me. The day after the solstice, the energy intensified, but somehow it wasn't troubling me so much. I was learning to flow with it somewhat.

Jewelry I sell at the market

Fresh local durian 

 Ever since then, things have been manifesting in my life, pretty much anything I desire. I began making money selling my jewelry at the farmers market, and now have the job I have always wanted. The people that I live with have been inviting me to Kirtans, and ever since my first time attending, I have felt a deep connection to the people there, the music, the movement. My landlord offered me a new place to live, deep in the jungle. It is a 10 acre fruit farm in Kalapana. There are hundreds of ancient mango trees which fruit year round, bananas, lychee, papayas, eggfruit, and I'm sure so many more. All of the fruit is wasting on the ground and I'm encouraged to eat as much as I want. The house is big and surrounded by coconut trees, which I can drink every day. I found out not long ago that Jaden is coming here to be with me, so we're finally going to be together, in a real way, not just as an in between going from place to place. We have dreamed and dreamed of living in a fruit forest together and it's about to happen! We'll be a short walk from the beach(where we can swim with dolphins and sea turtles), Kalapana farmers market, the lava flow(which you can even see from our land). I'm making more fruitarian friends here, new ones all the time. On New Years day I was just invited to have a durian party with some friends who live in my building here in Hilo. They have a beautiful fruitarian son named Rabbit, and being around him is teaching me a lot. I love learning from the wisdom of babies and children.

Birthday Flowers I received at a Kirtan gathering

With all of these wonderful things manifesting in my outer life, I can see more and more clearly, that none of that is of much importance on my path in this life. The outer doesn't even feel like it really exists. Maybe it doesn't. My work here is within, and lately I have been troubled because I'm feeling my journey here much more strongly. I used to think I was choosing it, but I'm not. I'm realizing that I came here in this body for a reason, and it's not what my mind expects. A part of me so badly just wants to live a simple life in the jungle with Jaden, have children, grow fruit, swim in the ocean, bask in the golden sunlight, but my spirit screams other things at me. Maybe its just a phase. Maybe I can still have that simple life that I want. Or maybe I'm here for other things. There's no way to know I guess. Just let the universe have me, and enjoy the ride.

I've been living off nothing but orange juice for 6 days now. I started on Christmas and wanted to finish after the new year. Just this morning I was telling Jaden that I was thinking of continuing the juice feast for 10 days, just because I am feeling so much clarity, and enjoying the juices so much. But then I went to the market with my friends and they mentioned the New Years Day durian feast and I thought that would be a wonderful way to start the new year, eating the best food on the planet with such glowing souls. I still haven't decided yet though. I'll see how I feel when the day comes. Right now, I have no desire for anything other than orange juice.

This may be my last blog post for some time, not because I don't want to write anymore, but because we're going to be moving to a place without electricity and our plan is to become part of the jungle, connect with Gaia, try to release as much technology from our lives as possible. It's going to be scary to let go of everything we've used to escape from facing our true selves, but we feel ready and excited for this new journey.  I imagine I'll be posting updates from time to time, and lots of photos from our primal jungle adventures.

Now that we're in the midst of this shift, humans are realizing their divine potential. If you want something now, just dream it and see it in your mind and it will be yours. There really are no limitations in life. It's all illusion. We're creating the entire outer world. How do you want it to look?

Back to Puna

For my first couple weeks back in Hawaii I haven't felt very enthusiastic about life. I've been confused and lost and even the thought of getting land and growing fruit hasn't excited me. Big shifts are taking place and I have felt an intense energy. Sometimes it feels like I am being born, other times like I am giving birth. I think the women of the earth are feeling it more profoundly, but everyone is feeling the shift taking place. I can see it in them. Most are trying to run from this shift, and the resistance is creating a lot of chaos and fear in the world. But there are also people who are embracing the beauty of this chaos, and learning how to flow without resistance and fear, and that will only continue to grow.

Today I was invited to go back to Puna to visit my friend Eden and share a jackfruit from his land. I walked into town this morning thinking about all the wonderful opportunities and blessings I have had since being back here, but a big part of me was just shut off and I felt out of place, lost, numb.

I got on the Puna bus and immediately felt more comfortable, like I was really home again. Last time I lived here I spent a large part of almost every day on that bus. It is a place of safety and comfort to me.  The reggae music blasted from the speakers, I could smell a mixture of Ganga(which almost had me gagging. The smell of it always makes me really sick, not sure why) and hippie sweat, and it was all so familiar. The ride to lower Puna went by faster than I wanted it to, but when I got off the bus I remembered so vividly why I never wanted to leave Kapoho. The sun was shining and it was so quiet. The wind whistled through the ironwood trees, birds and insects chirping. The land welcomed me, held me, let me know that whatever problems I was having, it would be ok. I wanted to cry because I was so happy to be back to my home, but also sad because I knew I would be leaving it again to go back to the loud, empty city. It felt like a light had been lit inside of me and I remembered what it was like to be alive again, to feel things.

At Moana Ula (the raw food community on Papaya Farms Road) I met up with Eden and we shared the jackfruit. He thought it wasn't quite ripe enough yet, but I loved it. Eating delicious homegrown fruit with fruitarian friends, it doesn't get much better for me. I wish I had taken more photos today, but I always forget to take out my camera when I'm out on adventures.

Next we went and explored the land behind Moana Ula. I got to see a durian growing, and cempedaks, abius, mameys, chico sapotes, an Ackee tree, and many more. We were looking for a giant marang tree that Eden wanted to climb. We eventually found it and he climbed up, not expecting to find any fruit on it, but there it was, just one, on a far out branch. We went back to get fruit picking tools and he climbed up again. I was hoping to catch the marang when it landed but it was just out of my reach, so it landed on the jungle floor with a splat. the fruit was littered through the mud, but that didn't stop me from digging into the ground and tasting it right away. Like durian, it is hard fruit to describe, but I will say that it was very creamy, sweet and delicious. It is unbelievable to me, how the universe gives us these moments. For so many years I have dreamed of trying marang, thinking of getting one in Asia or from a specialty store, and there it was today, the only one on the tree, ripe and waiting, just for us. It couldn't have come in a better way.  

I also got to try white sapote, another fruit which has been on my mind a lot. It was super sweet, tasting like vanilla ice cream with hints of butterscotch.

Being back in the jungle today, connecting with the land, with people, with fruit, and with peaceful life energy, it reminded me why I'm here, and why I'm trying so hard to make a life for myself on this island. Lately it has been so hard for me. I barely even feel inspired enough to get out of bed and spend my day walking through the loud hectic streets to get food to eat. The thought of trying to get a job here has been haunting me, and I often wonder why I even try. But after today I feel a little more alive, and I remember that soon I will be back in the jungle, and I will have land. I was surprised once again, to see how the city takes life away from people. I was lost in believing that I must just be going through a down period, but it happens every time I am in the city for more than a few hours, and intensifies the longer I am there. Cities are cages. They are places where humans are put to be brainwashed and conditioned. They are places to lose your connection to life, to feel like something is missing in you, but it isn't real. These walls aren't real. I will never be truly free in the city. I don't think anyone will be. If you live in the city and can't change it, or don't want to, try to spend some time in the country. Just for a day, be where it is quiet and you will feel the life within you. You will remember that you exist outside of your own body and mind, outside of the confines the city has built around you. All this technology, stimulation, noise, it has drowned out your life force, and most people never even notice it. I look into the eyes of people in the city and they are empty. It is as if there is nothing behind them. People here are barely alive, just surviving. We need to get back to the forests, back to our source. LIFE awaits us there. 

I think I am going to stop blogging for a while. It just doesn't feel right to me at this point. My experience is becoming bigger than me and I'm realizing that my words are mostly empty. I prayed to God for humility, expecting a state of grace, but it is being given to me in the only way that it can be given I think, through understanding. And to truly understand, you have to live through everything you've ever feared. I am learning that the human mind always likes to think it knows, but in reality, it never can. I am learning that everyone's experience is so sacred, and that manipulating that experience(as we usually do when trying to help someone) will only cause more pain. I am learning through my own self judgement and self hate, how to really love. It isn't something that I can work through overnight, or maybe in a long time, but I am learning every day, and this journey is taking me places I never thought I would go. I'm losing people in my life, things that felt permanent are falling away. I'm unsure of who I am, and all my strongest beliefs are becoming shaky and weak. I'm scared. Everything I thought I knew is slipping from my grasp.

 I may start writing again, but I need some time to just focus on my experience, to feel everything and allow it all to flow through me, to learn how to trust myself again.    

For Those Who Can Feel The Shift Taking Place

I've been back in Hawaii for about a week. As of my last post I was preparing for my trip to Mexico. Last minute it just didn't feel right, so I booked a flight back to the Big Island. Funny, I can't seem to stay away for long. This is my third time here, and since the first time I've never been gone for more than 5 months. It calls me back so strongly. This time I honestly thought I was completely insane, just booking a flight and coming back here without thinking it through at all, but the minute I got off the plane I knew it was right. The warm, humid, tropical breeze felt so welcoming. I'm connected to this island and it will always be my home. It hasn't been without struggles though. Coming back here with no plans, or even a place to live was really stressful, but within a few days I had found myself a room near downtown Hilo. I've spent pretty much all my money getting here and paying rent, but for now at least, I am completely taken care of.

It feels like EVERYTHING in life is coming to the surface, like there is an energetic chaos going on throughout the entire planet. It's hard to explain and I don't even understand it, but its very intense, and I can feel it breaking. Big changes are taking place right now. I have found myself lost in this chaos for some months now, but it's getting a lot stronger. It's very hard to ground myself or even focus on what I'm in the process of manifesting.

You can even see this change in me. The photo on the left is before I left for Hawaii last winter, almost a year ago. I was trying so hard to remain composed, to hold the whole world together, to deny the chaos, and it was taking a toll on me. The photo on the right was taken today, and I'm feeling more in the flow with the chaos around me(even my hair has become a reflection of the way of the world, hehe). It is coming on so fast though, rushing through me with such intensity. I feel lost and afraid much of the time, but in the moments where I embrace this crazy energy, I feel more grounded than ever.

I feel so blessed to be back on my island home! There is no place I'd rather be for this amazing shift which is taking place. I think I'm on an energy vortex because I feel it all so much more strongly here. A big part of why I left here in the summer was because I felt like I wasn't ready to face everything that is happening in the universe. This island is not a place to escape your troubles. No, this is where it all collides, and you have two choices: 1)Learn to FLOW, or 2) Suffer in resistance. There is strong magic at work on this island, and people are drawn here for a reason.

Being in Hilo, I am really missing the jungle. I thought being here would be better for getting to the market for fruit and maybe getting a job, but I hope to make my way back to Kapoho soon, or at least somewhere near there. I'm thinking about trying WWOOFing. I'd get much needed and desired practice with organic gardening, and I wouldn't need to worry about making money to pay rent. Really feeling a strong desire to avoid having a constricting job. I tend to feel caged very easily, so I do best living in a quiet, natural place, mostly alone(or with close family/tribe) with nowhere I need to be and with nothing I need to do. The more I follow my instincts, the more I feel that is the way of life humans were meant to live, and will need to go back to if we wish to remain sane. It is especially apparent in the city how lost most of us are. We're living these highly constricting lives, trying to hold everything together, and it is killing us. People are losing their light and becoming grey. And they think that they just need to keep working, try harder, acquire more.So many people are struggling so much right now, including myself. I think of it like this: This is the birth of the new earth, the death of the old ways, and just as in our individual lives, birth and death can go two ways. With resistance, both can be very painful, and drawn out, lasting for much longer than if we let go. But if we are able to take the leap of faith, allowing our body, mind and soul to flow, it will all happen beautifully, the energy flowing through us ecstatically, the dance of the universe. This struggle and suffering is our gift though, because the stronger it gets, the more clearly we will see that we have a choice to make. We're not victims.

Imagine if you could just let yourself flow. What would it look like? We have limitless potential, but we're lost in a lie, believing that we are caged, that we need to live meaningless lives to get where we want to go. It feels so scary, even counter-intuitive, to just make a leap of faith into our wildest dreams, so for the most part we forget about what we really want, compromising, settling for a life like people around us are living. If you look around, you will see that most people are living the same life, one with little inspiration in it. Sit for a minute right now and think about(or write down, this really helps) what you really want in your life. Don't put restrictions on yourself. Imagine that you can have, do or be anything. What does your dream life look like? Think about all the little details. What makes this life so beautiful? Are you in a magical place? Are you at peace there? What does that peace feel like? This is all you need to do right now. You can stop trying, stop worrying about the fact that you're not living a perfect life right now. Just focus on that feeling of inspiration that you feel while thinking about your limitless potential. That is who you are.

I know so many people are afraid right now. I can see it in their eyes. Things are falling apart and with the attachment we all have to the circumstances around us, we feel like we're falling apart too. But you're going to be ok. Don't be afraid to fall apart. CRY. Be real. It's ok to feel. That's all I can say right now. Give someone a hug if you can. Try to embrace as many people and other beings as you can. It's all going to come down to Love.