Pilgrimage

I haven't written here in a very long time, but I felt like writing today and I knew my words belonged here, where I used to find some space from the world. 

Two years ago I wrote a journal entry about a pilgrimage, one which I was too afraid to embark on at the time, which I will share with you: 


"I can feel it strongly today, the urge to leave everything behind and just hit the road, no destination. Maybe it's just the autumn. For me that is always a time for everything to fall away. Peace Pilgrim has inspired me by her journey of faith. I've always been so afraid, convinced it would be crazy for a young woman to just walk this earth alone, nothing and no one to protect her. But if you have love in your heart, and KNOW above everything else that this universe is good, then nothing bad can happen. What is there to fear anyway? Death? Molestation? Violence? I have molested my own mind for so long, have tortured this body. No one can hurt me without my consent- and why would I give it? There is no death to fear. It is a concept made up by humans and we've got it all wrong. Existence is a circle, one which can't be broken. 

The thought of this pilgrimage is very exciting, but also filled with an intense combination of deep despair and grace. It is a decision to leave everything behind, every attachment, every comfort, all security. It is also a decision to embrace reality, god, existence outside of MYSELF. This journey is one of truth, one which I will take in my own name, but with the intention of releasing all names. There's nothing I need to hold onto, and I see myself journeying deep into the the darkness of my mind and facing everything I've been running from for as long as I can remember.   

A map, I thought to myself, I must have a map. But to where? what is my destination? I realized that I didn't have one. So what do I need? Not much. Maybe nothing at all. I keep thinking about finding fruit, about going without, but if I have a strong faith that I will always find just what I need then even that is nothing to fear.

This journey is one I've always known I would take, but somehow I thought it wouldn't be in this lifetime. It seemed so far away. But I feel it getting closer, racing towards me, and it's going to happen as all things in the universe do, without control and always at the right time.

Being a lone wanderer -- I have rejected it for so long, said that it wasn't me, but somehow it keeps finding me. I get lost in people, lose sight of my path and I retreat into myself. I've never been comfortable with my attachments. Alone, I begin to see myself, but when I retreat in the comfort of looking for acceptance through someone else I lose all respect for myself. My path isn't easy and sometimes I run from it, wishing to live as I see many people live, running and hiding, lost in the world of stimulation, waiting for someone to make it ok, but as soon as I live that way it rejects me, tells me that I can't run anymore. Resistance hurts. I just want to let this life unfold as it wants to. There is fear within me, but it's not me. Lately I have felt a separation between the despair and fear I have experienced and my true self. In that there is peace."


Since then I have travelled freely, hitchhiking around the United States, living sometimes with no money at all, sleeping under awnings and trees and stars. A lot of the time I travelled with men, some of whom I loved, some I used only to keep me safe, convincing myself they meant something to me. I lived wrecklessly, always on a race to get to the next place, taking, always taking, and giving very little back. 

Last winter I decided to hang up my hiking boots and go back to Hawaii to try to find some peace within myself. I told myself I wouldn't wander anymore and I would find a place to live in the jungle and try to stop running from myself. I did just that. I got a tiny shack with nothing in it but a wooden platform to sleep on. I had virtually no belongings, and I settled in there with some books and my native american flute, trying to release the fear of being alone with myself. I had done so many things in the previous year which I felt disgusted about myself for. I hurt people I loved. I slept with men I didn't know or care for. I ran away from love and feeling and I abandoned anyone who seemed to see the pain in me. And here I was, alone in the woods, nothing to numb away the person who I'd become. It felt like too much. I felt so lonely and scared. 

I started spending more time in the city, selling jewelry, and mostly just watching people, hoping someone would take me away from myself. Then I met Chris. The story of us is long and still has sharp edges, so I will leave most of it for another day. I immediately transitioned from my inner seeking to becoming obsessed with him. I fell in love with him in a way I never had with anyone and lost myself to him. We decided to be homeless together, often sleeping above a waterfall, living without a need for money, having adventures. There were a lot of hard times, as we had to comprimise a lot and being homeless can be stressful, but somehow we made it work. 

But it ended, as I guess everything has to eventually, and I didn't cope well with it. I saw how much of myself I had put into the relationship, using it as an escape. I realized how selfish I have been, not just with Chris, but with everyone, for a very long time. I've swung from one man to the next, always looking for someone to complete me, to make it ok, but of course no one ever could, and I've always given up who I am in relationships. I've sat here for the past month since Chris and I have broken up, feeling mostly depressed and empty, but every once in a while a little shimmer of something beautiful sneaks in. I know there is so much beauty and I've been cut off from it for fear of feeling pain. 

This morning I was out running and halfway through it started to rain. Immediately thoughts of how terrible it was started to go through my mind. I was feeling irritable, shut off, and so tired I just didn't want to go on anymore. Then I asked myself "what if I didn't resist the rain? What if I didn't resist the pain inside me anymore?" and the question silenced me into an experience of openness. In that moment it started to rain so hard I could barely see and every raindrop felt like pure energy, lighting me up inside. I began to run so fast I felt like I was flying. The energy was no longer restricted or "mine", it was the energy of the universe and it didn't have limits. I got a chance to see how thoughts create our world, and I know it's time I question some of my beliefs.

I've decided it's finally time to go on the pilgrimage that I wrote of. I will take very little, and I won't associate with people or take anything from anyone. This is an inner quest in which I need to walk away from all the people and distractions I've used to keep me from knowing my true self. There are still so many lies I hold within myself which I need to question. I'm very scared, mostly of myself, that I will quit when I got cold and wet and lonely, but I've learned that in life you need to take risks and live without regrets. Better to fail than never to have tried. 

I will walk for a month, to Prince Edward Island, a place that as a little girl always seemed so magical to me. 1000 kilometers. I don't expect it to take all my troubles away. I don't know that I expect very much of it at all. Something about it just feels right and I know I need to go.