Happiness

"I have lived through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people who it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes might be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one's neighbor-such is my idea of happiness. And then, on top of all that, you for a mate, and children perhaps-what more can the heart of a man desire?"

-From Family Happiness by Leo Tolstoy

I have always liked this quote from Family Happiness. Although I don't agree with it completely, these are the things that I find beauty and fulfillment from on the physical plane. But of course, physical life is of little importance when compared to the spiritual experience, at least for me. I've known for a very long time that I could be just as happy spending my life sitting in a dumpster as I could be living on my farm in the wild, growing food.(This isn't to say that it is my experience to find satisfaction in all situations. I just know deep down that happiness doesn't come from anything outside of me.) For me peace and happiness are the same thing. I remember a few years ago I told my mother that I forgot what happiness was. I had been miserable for so long that I didn't think it existed anymore. She pointed out to me one time when I was laughing and seemed to be enjoying myself. When I was living those moments I felt completely stimulated and insecure, like the moment might fall away from me. I wasn't at all present and it didn't feel good. It was then that I decided I had no desire for happiness, at least the kind that other people seemed to be after. When I thought about what I really wanted I knew it was something that things or people or situations never brought. I wanted moments, ones that came completely randomly, like while driving in the car and suddenly being enveloped in stillness that took my breath away, sitting in the grass and feeling the sun, watching my family as they laughed, or cried or screamed, seeing my dog, Joey, race around the lawn, barking and having so much fun, simple things. But it was never in the things that I felt this peace. It was always in me. There were times when it would seem completely inappropriate to feel so calm, times when my outer life was filled with terror, or sadness, or intense suffering, but still the peace was there. What I'm getting at is that my life is perfect, everyone's is, deep down and there is nothing outside of us that we need to change.

But what about on the outside? It is fun and satisfying to experiment with the material realm. Tolstoy said it well, and I don't think there is much he left out. I have dreamed for years of having the things he described. I can remember the first time I knew for sure that I wanted a simple life of self sufficiency. I must have been quite young, and I was in the car talking to my father. I asked him why everyone needed money. Why couldn't we just grow our own food and everyone share? I told him this made perfect sense and it would be easy to do. He tried to explain to me that while it was a beautiful ideal, most people didn't care about growing food and helping each other and that it is hard to do on your own. I told him that people were wrong and that I would do it one day. My young mind began to plan, thinking of ways I would live without money, of all the crops I would grow and share with my neighbors. I thought of all the children I would have and how they would grow and help on the farm, learning to love and respect the earth and all the people on it. As I grew up, this dream faded some. The harshness of the world and the struggles of my teen years broke my spirit. I began to think that everything was difficult and that no one ever really got what they dreamed about. That's what everyone was saying and I believed it, thinking I would be disappointed if I dared to think I could have everything I wanted.

Then one day I was introduced to "The Secret," which, as most of you know, is about the law of attraction. I realized that wanting great things and believing I could have them didn't make me selfish and naive. That was what I was programmed to believe, and for once I could see the other side of the coin. From then on out I went back to dreaming about the life I wanted, and getting excited about bringing these things into my world. I say this now because, as I look at my life today, I see that everything I've ever wanted is in my life right now. I found my land last week and I made an offer on it. I really think I'm going to get it, and it will only be a short time now before I'm living there and beginning to plant fruit trees. I have amazing, loving, supportive parents, and two sisters who are more than I could ever dream of. I have so many people in my life who care about me and love me. I have a warm place to sleep and the best fruit in the world to eat. I have wonderful music to listen to, and books to read. I live in a jungle that is filled with so much life.

My Beautiful Property in Paradise Park:)

Becoming healthier again:)

Fruit thief trying to lick my dates!

My curious little friend

Love at first sight:)

Feeling healthier and more vibrant after drinking coconut water

Fruit trees ready to be planted! Rollinia, jackfruit and champedak:)

My outer world is becoming something that honestly, I never thought I would have. I dreamed of it, but there was always doubt. It just seemed to good to be true. And what I know, without a doubt, is that none of it means anything when I'm not present. For weeks now I've been stressed, to a point where I've been having panic attacks often and I've been missing all the beauty in my life. It has been a time of amazing lessons though. I'm seeing my mind sometimes and I just begin to laugh. I'm living here in paradise, and my mind still finds any way it can to be miserable. It was never about a situation or a person or anything outside of me. The mind just likes to find problems. That's what it's good at, and if you believe it, you are living in hell. When you question your thoughts and see that none of them are real, that is what heaven is like, no matter what is happening on the outside.

So outer world and inner world become one. You can't only strive to achieve things on the outside. You will spend your whole life chasing after something that doesn't exist out there. Because when you think about it, what do you really want? Happiness? Peace? Love? Well, everything in the outer world is transitory, things are coming and going all the time. You can't hold onto anything, and if you try it will hurt. But the stillness, the silence, is always there, beneath, above, within, without, everywhere and all the time, and in that there is infinite bliss. So you can relax now and stop trying to find happiness. There's nothing you have to do, and when you truly surrender to this moment, exactly as it is, you will see that you are everything that you've ever seeked, and your life will fill with the light of truth.