This past week has been a whirlpool of thoughts, emotions, and experiences. I ended the fast after 2 days because it was working its magic so strongly that I didn't feel prepared for it. The emotions that were running through me were so strong I could barely breathe, and my body was becoming very weak from the deep cleansing. After the fast ended I just became completely overwhelmed with past pain. The memories felt so alive in me. A part of me was falling away. I just kept feeling like my whole life was crumbling around me, and it was like there was nothing left. I wasn't sure if I would get through it or how to try.
I began a watermelon mono diet a day after my fast was over. Before that I had become very ill after a bulimia relapse, but I refused to go back there, and I took every bit of strength I had and chose to eat only melons. Relapses still happen, and I know how dangerous it is every time I fall, but I'm getting stronger, and I know that there is nothing that will stop me on this journey. Setbacks are just a part of the road, and it's important not to become attached to anything along the way. Melons are a good food for me to eat for now, and they're great for healing my intestinal problems. As soon as I began eating them my mind began to clear and my body stopped hurting. All the confusion that had been plaguing me seemed suddenly unimportant. I just sat there, aware of all the pain and stress within me, but it was so insignificant. I experienced moments of complete presence, unable to keep from laughing, bliss filling me to a point where I didn't know if I could hold it, tears running down my cheeks. And it had nothing to do with my outer life. It never does.
So many things that I knew crumbled away. I watched as all my dreams faded into nothingness, to be replaced with at first fear and depression, later a complete emptiness, and finally to a point where I could see that none of it mattered, that everything that was happening was beautiful, even the pain. And then it all just went away.
My experience of life has changed. My desires have changed. Everything that felt stable has fallen out from under me, and it has left me with choices to make. After all this I found myself feeling smothered by this island. Before it felt like it was holding and nurturing me, but now it is as if it is keeping me caged here, pushing me into this land with a fierce energy. I know I need to leave here, at least for some time, and that realization scared me a lot at first. I wanted to cling to the familiar path that I drew for myself, afraid to let my spirit truly soar.
Everyone always says just to follow your heart, but how many of us really do? Our minds are so loud and overpowering, filling us with fear and making most of our decisions. My mind told me I was about to get everything I had ever dreamed of. I was about to have my land in the tropics and everything was falling into place. I'd be insane to leave. But my heart felt as free as the wind, ready to take me somewhere, to the place I have always known I needed to go: to the Arizona desert. My heart was also leading me to Jaden. Wherever he was going to be, I wanted to be there too. So I decided not to really think about it. I bought a plane ticket to Seattle, and I'm going to live there with Jaden for a couple months at most, before we head on south, to explore all the places that my heart is telling me I need to see before I can know anything else.
This is crazy right? Yes, it very well may be, but no matter what my mind tells me, there's this faith inside me which is so strong, telling me that I'm doing something so right for me. My mind is afraid, and sometimes it overtakes me, but my spirit is so content to feel so free in this world. Many adventures await me, and a big part of me is so excited to be following this dream that has been with me for longer than I've been in this body. What would happen if you just let go and followed your heart, without listening to the stories of the mind? Ask yourself, is this really the life that I want to keep living? Is there something my soul needs to experience before I leave this body? Let go, let yourself be lived by this higher power. Have faith.
One of my inspirational teachers, Dan Mcdonald, talking with a doctor at probably the best fasting retreat in North America.
Today should be day 14 on my papaya mono diet, but after the 12th day I began a water fast. It was my intention to fast for only one day, but as soon as I began I knew that I wanted to fast for longer. My body was responding very well and I knew that now was the right time for this. I have known since I got to Hawaii that I would be fasting, but I was waiting for the right time, not even sure what I was waiting for, but this is it.
To be honest, one of the biggest things stopping me from fasting was the concerns and judgements of other people, especially family and people I'm close to. There aren't many people who know and believe in the benefits of fasting, and most everyone just figured that I wanted to starve myself to death. In the past I did fast for reasons other than health. I wanted to deny my physical body, wanted it to go away, wanted to hurt myself, but my experience now is the opposite. I am doing this because I'm ready to truly heal, to respect and listen to my body. I have studied health and nutrition very intensely for about five years now, and I will continue to learn all my life, but what I know is that the body is a better teacher than any book. There is so much conflicting information out there, and it is easy to become confused and dicouraged, but if you look within at your body and how it reacts, and if you listen to your heart, you will always do what is right for you.
Fasting is something I believe in without a doubt. I know it has the ability to heal people from anything that can be healed. I believe in the body's ability to heal itself. It's not about superfoods, pills, and potions. It's not about eating as much good food as you can. It's about allowing the body to do what it was designed to do.
I know there will be people who will disagree, and I am very open to that. I remember when I too believed that the sick should eat as much food as they could, to keep up their strength and heal. People are just sticking to their old belief systems, afraid of change, afraid of seeing that life isn't always black and white. I can accept that everyone takes care of themselves in their own way, because we're all on a different path. Some people do nothing but sit on the couch, eating hamburgers and pizza, and for them that is right, until it isn't. Everyone is doing what is best for themselves, all the time, even if it doesn't appear that way.
I don't know how long I will fast for. I am going to listen to my body and watch for the signs that it is right to start eating again. I am living at a place that is quite perfect for this healing. I have a community of people to help me if I need it, and I have my own space to rest and relax. Nature is all around me, and I have books to read, music to listen to, clean water to drink. What more could I need?
That thou mayest have pleasure in everything, seek pleasure in nothing. That thou mayest know everything, seek to know nothing. That thou mayest possess all things, seek to possess nothing. That thou mayest be everything, seek to be nothing.
-St. John of the Cross
I had a really nice last weekend here. Sundays are usually my day of rest, and my plan was to spend the day sitting in the shade and reading the stack of books I got from the library for my long weekend, but I woke up in the morning with my body wanting to move. I went for a short walk and planted some fruit trees, but that didn't cut it, so I looked at my map and realized I could bike along the shoreline through the jungle on Beach Road for miles and miles. So I ate a nice meal of papayas, grabbed my camera and hopped on my bike. After a while I told myself that I should turn back so as not to exhaust my healing body, but the explorer in me just had to keep going. I'd never seen places as beautiful in my entire life. Every couple of miles I would just stop and look out into the ocean or jungle, completely awestruck. It truly took my breath away. I hope you can get a glimpse of the beauty I experienced through these photos, but they really can't do it justice. I live in heaven on earth! On Monday I decided to bike to the hot pond, to relax and lay in the sun. I ended up swimming for hours, just floating in the lava warmed water, with little tropical fish nibbling on my legs.
Weekend Papayas-Solo Variety
The Sweetest Nectar- Rainbow Papayas!
I stopped my bike to take a photo of the rainforest, and I looked to the right(see next photo)
And found myself in a grove of jackfruit trees! Free for the eating! None for me though, still loving papayas:)
Majestic Ironwood forest. I want to have many more moments in this place
Their needles cover the lava rocks, making it look like a desert
Meyers lemons, ripening on the farm
Watching the chicken under the lemon tree right outside my cabin
Sunday breakfast, with fairy wand flower
This pineapple was only the size of a golf ball when I arrived on the farm.
My Dreads are 4 months old:)
I've gone 9 days on papayas now, and I still feel no urge to stop. My energy is increasing and exercise is becoming easier. I've been walking nearly 10 kms each day, often carrying a heavy load of papayas, and I'm feeling more and more able all the time. My muscles don't get sore anymore. My intestinal troubles have diminished by about 50% and it improves each day. I have had only one mild migraine since starting this mono diet, compared to before, where I had a severe one almost every day. I do go through deep cleansing periods where my body just wants to rest. After almost fasting yesterday(I wasn't able to carry home enough papayas for the whole weekend) and then not having food until noon time today, I could feel my body working hard on healing. When I brushed my teeth my mouth was filled with something black and thick, and even after almost a day without food my stomach was becoming more and more bloated. I can feel the detoxification going on and sometimes it makes me too exhausted even to read a book. But it doesn't hurt. Usually I just feel very calm and relaxed and I know to be still and just focus on this healing.
Only a day before my big move. I'm taking in everything I can from this farm before I go. I'm eating a lot of organic papayas grown just outside my door, watching the chickens, and all the cats who have become my friends, and just sitting on the grass in the sunshine, saying my goodbyes to the life I've had here for almost 3 months. As much as I'll miss this place, I'm excited about moving on, and knowing that in about a month I might be moving onto my own land. I have durian, and chocolate sapote trees ready to go in the ground, and I'm carefully taking them with me everywhere I go. I've had to get rid of a lot of my things so that I can carry everything to my next place and I found that I have a lot of attachment to my belongings, even to the smallest of things. Giving these things away felt like I was losing a part of my identity. I do best with few possessions, but when my mind becomes hectic, I tend to possess more items in my life. The more still I am inside, the more content I am with nothing.
By having the gift of living the life that most people only dream of, I am able to really see into my own mind, of how afraid it gets when my life is perfect. Most people go through their entire lives believing one of two things; 1)That they need to attain something, such as a good job, a home in a beautiful place, a perfect partner, wealth, vacations, etc., to make them happy, or at least ok. 2)That they need to get rid of something in their lives that is making them miserable, such as a bad job, debt, stressful family situations, etc before they can be at peace. What I have realized about myself is that not only does having wonderful things(or having a lack of terrible things) not make me happy or more peaceful, it aggravates my mind, making me more stressed and anxious. It is at times when I see how perfect my outer life is that I realize how unfulfilled I am inside. It's like when you first try to meditate and it seems like your mind is speeding up and you feel even less calm and peaceful. What's happening is that you are finally looking within and admitting that the problem is not outside of you. You are seeing the ego and how ridiculous it is. It is very scary and very empowering.
What is it that makes meditation, and just being with yourself so intimidating? Why don't we all just spend our days doing what is truly important, getting to know our true selves? Because we're scared to death of it. We'd rather live our lives, staying where we're comfortable, in suffering, whether mildly, or more intensely, than face what has been going inside of us. Don't you see how you run towards drama so that you can blame it for your unhappiness? It is so much easier than facing the fact that you are causing your own suffering. I'm reading a book by Ram Dass called "Journey of Awakening" and he mentions how people live in a state of pain, because it is familiar:
"We have built up a set of ego habits for gaining satisfaction. For some it involves pleasure; for others, more neurotic, it involves pain. As you look at many people's lives you see that their suffering is in a way gratifying, for they are comfortable in it. They make their lives a living hell, but a familiar one.
This network of thoughts has been your home since you can remember. Your home is safe and familiar. It may be sad and painful sometimes, but it's home. And besides, you've never known any other. Because this structure has always been your home, you assume that it is what reality is- that your thoughts are Reality with a capital R.
If you start to use a method that makes gaps in this web of who you are and what reality is, and if it lets the sunlight in and you peek out for a moment, might you not get frightened as the comforting walls of the ego start to crumble? Might you not prefer the security of this familiar prison, grim though it sometimes may be, to the uncertainty of the unknown? You might at that point pull back toward the familiarity of your pain."
This book came to me at just the right time, and what Ram Dass talks about is exactly what I have been experiencing for a very long time, only now I am beginning to understand why I have always chosen pain. I have noticed for a few years now that there is a certain gratification in my suffering, a comfort, and leaving it is the scariest thing in the world. As I begin to understand myself, I can see it so clearly in others. I watch as they too choose pain over pleasure, and think there is no other way. We're all so innocent, and the journey we are on isn't always going to be easy. Sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to know yourself, to break down the walls of pain that you have surrounded yourself in. But don't give up. As you awaken, you will see more and more of the light that you are, and the moments of stillness(bliss) you experience will become longer and occur more often.
What would happen if today you just sat alone, quietly and meditated, even if only for 5 minutes? And don't say you don't have time or that you'll do it another day. What is more important than this? I know it can be scary, but it won't kill you. It is the ego which fills you with apprehension, for it fears its own death. Don't expect anything. If you go into meditation wanting something, you will not get it. You may find that the thoughts won't slow down and that you keep losing yourself to the thought process, but don't worry about it. In meditation everything is valid. Just keep steering yourself back to your breathing(or whatever you have chosen to focus on, whether it be a candle flame, a mantra, the sound of the ocean, or a beautiful painting) Just sit, and be still, and allow life to flow. Be brave, face what you have been running from for so long.
I will end today with a quote from the teachings of Vivekananda, of the Advaitist belief system.
..." Thus, says the Advaitist, 'Know the truth and be free in a moment.' All the darkness will then vanish. When we see ourselves as one with the Infinite Being, when all separation has ceased, when all men and women, all gods and angels, all animals and plants, and the whole universe have melted into that Oneness, then all fear disappears. Who is there to fear? This is the one way, says the Vedantist, to knowledge. Kill out this differentiation, kill out this superstition that there are many. 'He who is in this world of many sees that One, he who in this mass of insentiency sees that one Sentient Being, he who in this world of shadows catches that Reality, unto him belongs eternal peace, unto none else.'"
My beautiful, inspirational teacher, Anne Osborne, eating nothing but fruit for over 20 years
I am currently on my 5th day of a papaya mono diet(with coconut water included) and I'm feeling really well. I'm healing on many levels. People keep coming up to me, saying how I'm glowing and how my eyes are just so clear. When I tell them I am fruitarian, people don't seem to consider me insane anymore. I even met one man who thinks it is amazing that I am fruitarian, that I'm the start of a change that will make this world more beautiful.
Papaya is very juicy, and it's making me feel similar to being on a watermelon diet, which I usually do in the summers up north.People think diet only affects them physically, but for me, the spiritual aspect is the most profound. The clarity I am feeling is unbelievable. When I see people, it's like I can feel their essence. I am not lonely at all even though I rarely talk to anyone and have no close friends here. Yesterday I ran into a Buddhist monk, and I could feel his peace. It lit me up and afterwards I just felt completely silent and still. .
Fruit: The Food of Gods and Goddesses
I'm truly appreciating the beauty and sacredness of fruitarianism. I'm feeling once again, very strongly, the reason why I went fruitiarian in the first place. There were so many logical reasons to make the choice, but when it came down to it, the only real reason I stuck with it was because of the clarity I experienced. As soon as I began to eat only fruit I knew it was how humans were meant to eat. I didn't need science or any other proof. My body, mind, and spirit became so much more aligned. Questions fell away and it left a sense of peace deep within my soul.
Fruit is so colorful, vibrant, alive, delicious, how could we need or want anything else? When you compare a papaya to a bowl of rice, or a piece of bread, how can you really compare it at all? Those foods are so dead, colorless, processed, empty, and they leave people looking and feeling the same way. If you want to feel more alive, to be more alive, eat more fruit:)
For those who are curious about my papaya mono diet, I've been eating around 25 medium (about the size of a large mango) papayas a day, usually in 2 or 3 meals. I rarely eat breakfast, usually my first meal is around 11 or noon. I've been drinking from 2-3 litres of water per day, only when thirsty, and some coconut water every few days. I'm listening to my body and doing so is making me feel so much more alive. I'm not sure how long I'll continue this mono diet. I know a guy on 30 bananas a day who healed serious colitis by eating only bananas for 30 days, and my original plan was to aim for that, but I'm taking it one day at a time. If I feel deprived or like my body wants other fruit I will probably eat it. I'm allowing myself to be free, without limits or restrictions, as we were all meant to live. Life is abundant, feel it!
"I have lived through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people who it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes might be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one's neighbor-such is my idea of happiness. And then, on top of all that, you for a mate, and children perhaps-what more can the heart of a man desire?"
-From Family Happiness by Leo Tolstoy
I have always liked this quote from Family Happiness. Although I don't agree with it completely, these are the things that I find beauty and fulfillment from on the physical plane. But of course, physical life is of little importance when compared to the spiritual experience, at least for me. I've known for a very long time that I could be just as happy spending my life sitting in a dumpster as I could be living on my farm in the wild, growing food.(This isn't to say that it is my experience to find satisfaction in all situations. I just know deep down that happiness doesn't come from anything outside of me.) For me peace and happiness are the same thing. I remember a few years ago I told my mother that I forgot what happiness was. I had been miserable for so long that I didn't think it existed anymore. She pointed out to me one time when I was laughing and seemed to be enjoying myself. When I was living those moments I felt completely stimulated and insecure, like the moment might fall away from me. I wasn't at all present and it didn't feel good. It was then that I decided I had no desire for happiness, at least the kind that other people seemed to be after. When I thought about what I really wanted I knew it was something that things or people or situations never brought. I wanted moments, ones that came completely randomly, like while driving in the car and suddenly being enveloped in stillness that took my breath away, sitting in the grass and feeling the sun, watching my family as they laughed, or cried or screamed, seeing my dog, Joey, race around the lawn, barking and having so much fun, simple things. But it was never in the things that I felt this peace. It was always in me. There were times when it would seem completely inappropriate to feel so calm, times when my outer life was filled with terror, or sadness, or intense suffering, but still the peace was there. What I'm getting at is that my life is perfect, everyone's is, deep down and there is nothing outside of us that we need to change.
But what about on the outside? It is fun and satisfying to experiment with the material realm. Tolstoy said it well, and I don't think there is much he left out. I have dreamed for years of having the things he described. I can remember the first time I knew for sure that I wanted a simple life of self sufficiency. I must have been quite young, and I was in the car talking to my father. I asked him why everyone needed money. Why couldn't we just grow our own food and everyone share? I told him this made perfect sense and it would be easy to do. He tried to explain to me that while it was a beautiful ideal, most people didn't care about growing food and helping each other and that it is hard to do on your own. I told him that people were wrong and that I would do it one day. My young mind began to plan, thinking of ways I would live without money, of all the crops I would grow and share with my neighbors. I thought of all the children I would have and how they would grow and help on the farm, learning to love and respect the earth and all the people on it. As I grew up, this dream faded some. The harshness of the world and the struggles of my teen years broke my spirit. I began to think that everything was difficult and that no one ever really got what they dreamed about. That's what everyone was saying and I believed it, thinking I would be disappointed if I dared to think I could have everything I wanted.
Then one day I was introduced to "The Secret," which, as most of you know, is about the law of attraction. I realized that wanting great things and believing I could have them didn't make me selfish and naive. That was what I was programmed to believe, and for once I could see the other side of the coin. From then on out I went back to dreaming about the life I wanted, and getting excited about bringing these things into my world. I say this now because, as I look at my life today, I see that everything I've ever wanted is in my life right now. I found my land last week and I made an offer on it. I really think I'm going to get it, and it will only be a short time now before I'm living there and beginning to plant fruit trees. I have amazing, loving, supportive parents, and two sisters who are more than I could ever dream of. I have so many people in my life who care about me and love me. I have a warm place to sleep and the best fruit in the world to eat. I have wonderful music to listen to, and books to read. I live in a jungle that is filled with so much life.
My Beautiful Property in Paradise Park:)
Becoming healthier again:)
Fruit thief trying to lick my dates!
My curious little friend
Love at first sight:)
Feeling healthier and more vibrant after drinking coconut water
Fruit trees ready to be planted! Rollinia, jackfruit and champedak:)
My outer world is becoming something that honestly, I never thought I would have. I dreamed of it, but there was always doubt. It just seemed to good to be true. And what I know, without a doubt, is that none of it means anything when I'm not present. For weeks now I've been stressed, to a point where I've been having panic attacks often and I've been missing all the beauty in my life. It has been a time of amazing lessons though. I'm seeing my mind sometimes and I just begin to laugh. I'm living here in paradise, and my mind still finds any way it can to be miserable. It was never about a situation or a person or anything outside of me. The mind just likes to find problems. That's what it's good at, and if you believe it, you are living in hell. When you question your thoughts and see that none of them are real, that is what heaven is like, no matter what is happening on the outside.
So outer world and inner world become one. You can't only strive to achieve things on the outside. You will spend your whole life chasing after something that doesn't exist out there. Because when you think about it, what do you really want? Happiness? Peace? Love? Well, everything in the outer world is transitory, things are coming and going all the time. You can't hold onto anything, and if you try it will hurt. But the stillness, the silence, is always there, beneath, above, within, without, everywhere and all the time, and in that there is infinite bliss. So you can relax now and stop trying to find happiness. There's nothing you have to do, and when you truly surrender to this moment, exactly as it is, you will see that you are everything that you've ever seeked, and your life will fill with the light of truth.
