Of Life and Death

Beautiful song from one of my favorite movies

As I woke up early this morning I felt like I needed to write again. I rarely ever know what I'm going to write about, and even as I write I don't know what I'm going to end up with. A lot of my posts lately come straight from my heart, and I learn so much as the words come out. This blog started out to be mostly about fruitarianism, and I see that lately it's evolving into more of a journey of spirit. I'm not going to try to tame it in any way. What I write about here is my experience, and it's raw and honest. Before I get to my topic of the day I just want to write a little of how my outer world is taking shape. I've been in Hawaii for over two months now, and my experiences here have been wilder than my wildest dreams. Somehow each day I am cared for and nurtured in just the way that I need. I am fed amazing fruit, seeing places that literally take my breath away, meeting soul friends, and experiencing moments that words could never be enough to describe. In every way I am in love with my reality.


The past couple days I've ended up talking to quite a few people about death. Not in a gruesome or depressing way, but more about the circle of life, and what is really lost when we die. I can remember when I was about four years old and someone explained to me what dying was. For days I just sat alone in the fields thinking about it, and I felt so sad and lost. I kept crying because I felt like someday, maybe even soon, I would lose who I was. All the memories, the fun and adventures, they would be no more. I don't know when it was that I stopped fearing death. I imagine it was only within the past 5 years. It's not in a suicidal way, or that I don't appreciate life, but at some point it occured to me that time was ridiculous. I thought to myself, if I can enjoy this moment, this experience, for one minute, one hour, a hundred years, what is the difference? There was none. I can find nothing of value anywhere but here and now. Also, what could one fear of death? Of losing something precious? People have been talking of death and loss lately, and I've noticed a reaction within myself that has changed. I don't really react at all. I'm told someone died and I think "ok". There's no sadness, no loss at all. "It's so tragic. It shouldn't have happened" they'll say. But I can't understand them. What was lost? I feel like there's something shared in all of us, it's everything, and it's nothing and it can't die because it was never born. The death of the body is just part of the cycle. I can completely respect and feel for the people who are so upset about death because I know how it is to feel that way and it hurts.

I think what we fear is suffering, of not being able to escape it. A week or so ago I got a ride from a man who was a Jehovah's Witness. He asked me what religion I was born into and I told him that I embraced everything. He then decided to tell me a little of his religion. He talked of how this world is in trouble and what is promised to us is that someday there will be a perfect earth, one without suffering or pain, where no one will ever get old or die. Then he said to me "Now, if the earth becomes this beautiful place, and you could live forever in this paradise, would you choose that or to go up in heaven with the angels?" "Hmmm" I said "I really don't know. Both options sound lovely." He replied with a chuckle, "Well, that is nice of you to say, but I would obviously choose to live here forever, and watch my great grandchildren grow up. I wouldn't want to miss any of that." I could see that his fear was strong, and that he saw so much wrong with the world. He really didn't want to die. We also talked of the beauty of this world now, and that topic was easy for me. I can't see anything wrong with the world the way it is. This is heaven on earth. This is what everyone is waiting for.

Eckhart Tolle writes about dying before you die. I've practiced it, curious about what it is that I'd leave behind if I died. I realized that death is a complete surrender, a release of the ego, and of all fear. When you let go, all that is left is peace. By holding on, by fearing death, we are missing life. There is so much here, always, and we don't even know it.

I go through times of experiencing such peace and love for the world and I see that it's at times when I know I am everything and I'm accepting and loving all of it, just as it is. It all starts with me. To try to change the world without changing your own thoughts is backwards. As if you could end the wars, the violence, the hatrid in the world without first looking within and ending all these things within yourself. The world is a mirror of your inner state. When someone talks about something that upsets me, I ask myself where I have experienced this upsetting thing. For example, if someone tells me about the horror that factory farmed animals face, I think to myself, "where have I felt so trapped in fear? Where have I been tortured?" I can find many examples, and I see how I have projected my own experience onto these animals when I have no idea how they actually felt. I ask myself how my suffering will help them and I know that it won't. I know that I alone am responsible for my suffering, and that I only suffer when I believe a thought which is untrue. I'm not saying it's ok that bad things happen, or that I accept it and won't do anything about it, but I'm at peace with it, and I can do so much more good when I feel inspired and loving. What can you accomplish with hatrid, fear, or sadness? Only more of the same.

My mom was talking yesterday about our purpose here. She mentioned something in one of my Wayne Dyer books that she was reading, about how everyone has a purpose. He cited an example about a drunk bum on the street(I think that was it anyway) and about how his purpose might have been to teach another how not to live. My mom thought that was a pathetic and rather depressing purpose for his life. I didn't really have an opinion on it. I feel like the only purpose I can focus on is my own, and not knowing, the mystery, is what makes life amazing. When you really think about it, what do you know? Nothing. There is nothing to know, nothing possible to know. I feel like I'm here to experience and share love, but even that is unknown. Who are you when you let go of all these beliefs? You are the love and the peace that you've been searching so hard for. It's been there all along.