SUBLIME SUNLIGHT: Dreamland

For the longest time I've wanted to see the Maku'u farmers market, and haven't because the bus doesn't run on Sundays, so I decided to hitchhike. I've been doing that more and more lately, and have had nothing but good experiences, but almost everyone who gives me a ride says I shouldn't be, that it's dangerous for a young woman to be out alone. I imagine they're right, but for now that is how it is. Maybe sometime soon I'll have someone to go with me.

The market was unbelievable. Hilo farmers market is nothing compared to this one. There were so many vendors I was overwhelmed. All kinds of delicious ripe fruit. I ended up having some giant chocolate sapotes for breakfast( you need to have chocolate on Easter after all), and then got the most delicious smelling jackfruit(which someone later told me was a champedak) and a huge soursop. Hitchhiking back to Pahoa was easy and I spent a couple hours there catching up with things on the internet. The ride home ended up being really cool because when I got in the people's car there were a bunch of durians. The couple were fellow fruit enthusiasts, so we had a good chat. They also told me where Cinder Road was, so I decided to spend my afternoon in search of my land there. I also asked if the guy knew of any land for sale in the area and if he knew about the property I was interested in. He said just to go there, to explore, and that I'd know if it was right and the universe would arrange a way for me.

As I walked up Cinder Road I felt the energy of the land shift. While I love it on Papaya Farms Road, there's an energy there which I think extends from the old Hawaiian burial grounds further towards the coast. It feels a bit dark and heavy, very intense, but not completely unwelcoming. On Cinder road everything felt brand new, like time had not found it yet. It was also the road where Cinderland is located. Since being here I've learned that word of mouth isn't that trustworthy here. When I was staying at Hedonisia the owners there told me that people from Cinderland were wild and dangerous, that they did huge amounts of heavy drugs and would end up on your land to harass you. I heard so many other stories there that I have yet to find true. But in a way I believed what I was told about Cinderland and I have steered clear of there. Since staying in Kapoho I have run into so many people staying at Cinderland and they've all been amazing, beautiful souls. While walking past there today I met a couple people, all without shoes, hippies, like me, and I felt really at home with them. Everyone always assumes I live at Cinderland just because I seem so similar to the people who live there. It would be so amazing to live on the same road as the eco community. I'd never run out of new friends, and at the same time I'd have so much privacy and silence.

The further I walked up the road the more I loved it. Eventually it became more of a path than a road, so overgrown and forgotten.There was a lot of cane grass, and above it you could see mountains of lava rock all around. It was like the road was in this safe little valley, and I felt so protected there. Clouds began to cover the sky and the rain began to pour on me, soaking me to the skin. It was amazing. So much life there. At the end of the road were the papaya farms I've heard so much about. There were papaya trees as far as the eyes could see and so many dropped to the ground.I brought a few home to eat tomorrow. I don't think anyone will mind since they probably don't sell the ones from the ground.

When I visited Seaview last week and looked at the lots there I got what I thought was cold feet. Everything seemed so perfect, but something about it wasn't right. Inside I felt such resistance, a strong desire to be free from owning land. I figured I was just nervous about finally settling down because it would be very permanant. Today I saw differently. When I was walking this road, I experienced a knowing. There was no doubt in my mind, this was where I belonged. I feel like my search is over. I can't settle now that I've been there. I'm going to call the real estate agent and get a formal showing of the land sometime this week. I don't know how I'm going to make this happen, but I can feel that it will. I found this land the very first day it was advertised, more than 3 months ago. I showed it to my mom then and told her it was my land. I knew it from the start.

I miss my family! This past week I've really felt incomplete without them. It makes me sad sometimes to be halfway around the world and not knowing when I'll ever see them again. People keep asking me how I do it. They think I must be crazy to attempt this all by myself. The truth is I'm happy I got to do it alone. This experience has been the greatest gift, but I'm feeling more ready lately to be part of a group again. I needed to experience some things by myself, to see who I was below it all without anyone to influence me, and I feel like I could explore that forever, but by being alone I've realized that there are so many things that I can only learn through interaction with others. As I become ready to experience the vulnerability of being with others I can feel myself attracting it. As much as I thought I wanted close friends before I can see now how I was pushing away from it. Everything happens when it should.