The past couple of nights I've had a hard time sleeping. During the day I try to tell myself that not having a place to live in less than 2 weeks is ok, that it will work out. And even if it doesn't, what's the worst that can happen? Still, during the night my mind races, fear enveloping me. Usually I just try to be completely present with it, to feel the sensations and energies within me, and eventually I get back to sleep. I got my favorite book in the whole world at the library the other day,(by the way, this library is the size of a small town. I was in there, completely shocked and so excited to know that I have more books than I can ever read) "A Thousand Names For Joy" by my favorite author, Byron Katie. Everytime I read it, I begin to feel so at peace with absolutely everything in my life, and in the world. Every word she writes rings so true with my spirit, while at the same time, my mind makes no sense of it. The book is basically her interpretation of certain passages from the Tao Te Ching, and for all who don't know, Byron Katie was a very depressed woman, and much like Eckhart Tolle, she just woke up to the truth one day, and has lived in a state of love, bliss, and peace ever since. Her first book, "Loving What Is" really changed my life. It was as if through reading it I was able to give my mind permission to love everything as it was, while before I only denied it, thinking that I was a bad person for loving everything. I'm going to share a couple short passages that really spoke to me. I'd love if anyone would like to leave a comment to let me know what they think.
" Peace is our natural condition. Only by believing an untrue thought is it possible to move from peace into emotions like sadness and anger. Without the pull of beliefs, the mind stays serenely in itself and is available for whatever comes along.
Who would you be in people's presence without, for example, the story that anyone should care about you, ever? You would be love itself. When you believe the myth that people should care, you're too needy to care about people or about yourself. The experience of love can't come from anyone else; it can only come from inside you.
I was once walking in the desert with a man who began to have a stroke. We sat down, and he said, 'Oh my god, I'm dying. Do something!' He was talking through one side of his mouth because the other side had become paralyzed. What I did was just sit there beside him, loving him, looking into his eyes, knowing that we were miles from a phone or car. He said, 'You don't even care,do you?' I said, 'No.' And through his tears, he started to laugh, and I did, too. And eventually his faculties returned; the stroke had come to pass, not to stay. This is the power of love. I wouldn't leave him for a caring.
..." Some people think that compassion means feeling another person's suffering. That's nonsense. It's not possible to feel another person's pain. You imagine what you'd feel like if you were in that person's shoes, and you feel your own projection. Who would you be without your story? Pain-free, happy, and totally available if someone needs you- a listener, a teacher in the house, a Buddha in the house, the one who lives it. As long as you think there's a you and a me, let's get the bodies straight. What I love about separate bodies is that when you hurt, I don't-it's not my turn. And when I hurt, you don't. Can you be there for me without putting your own suffering between us? Your suffering can't show me the way. Suffering can only teach suffering.
The Buddhists say that it's important to recognize suffering in the world, and that's true, or course. But if you look more deeply, even that is a story. It's a story to say that there is any suffering in the world. Suffering is imagined, because we haven't adequately questioned our thoughts. I am able to be completely present with people in extreme states of torment without seeing their suffering as real. I'm in the position of being totally available to help them see what I see, if that's what they want. They're the only ones who can change, but I can be present, with kind words and the power of inquiry.
..." I've heard people say that they cling to their painful thoughts because they're afraid that without them they wouldn't be activists for peace. 'If I felt completely peaceful,' they say, 'why would I bother taking action at all?' My anwser is 'Because that's what love does.' To think that we need sadness or outrage to motivate us to do what's right is insane. As if the clearer and happier you get, the less kind you become. As if when someone finds freedom, she just sits around all day with drool running down her chin. My experience is the opposite. Love is action. It's clear, it's kind, it's effortless, and it's irresistable."
For many people, hearing Katie's words can make them become very defensive because for so long, maybe their entire lives, they thought they were the mind, the ego, and to question it, to truly see it, is to kill it. I remember the first time I read "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, I hated it, and I hated him. The book enraged me and I didn't understand why. My mind said "Look at what he's telling you to do, to do nothing, have nothing, be nothing. What a life of boredom, depression, and lack." I just felt so uncomfortable, because deep down I knew that everything he was saying was true, but that was the first time in my life I had questioned my mind. It took a couple years before I was ready to read his books again, and throughout that time I thought of what he had said so often. I felt as though it had plagued me with unhappiness sometimes because I knew that the answers weren't in a new place to live, a better life, more money, good food, friends, etc. A part of me knew, without a doubt, that everything I was seeking was within.
I discovered something very powerful a couple of weeks ago. I wrote about it in my journal, but I wasn't ready to share it because I feared judgement, but I don't now. I was sitting at a bus station, and a woman sitting next to me, who I think was on drugs, began to scream and cry about her pain and misery and how she wanted to kill herself. She had an abusive boyfriend who was fighting with her. As I saw this happening I became filled with so much love. It was the most amazing feeling, like I was filled with light. All I wanted to do was love this woman and this man, and to my mind this seemed very ridiculous. My mind said "How can you feel so good when these people are suffering?" All I knew was that this love was the most unconditional, beautiful thing, and I felt like it could heal the whole world. A bus came, and the the couple got out of their seats to board it. The woman smiled and handed me a flower. Deep down I think she felt it too.
Today I woke up feeling like I was going to find a solution to my living situation. I have been meditating in the mornings again(I took a few days off because of the fear.) Inside I was feeling more at peace, and my faith was strong. I really felt like this struggle was a gift. I got into town and talked to my family and looked for a place to live. I didn't find anything too great, and most of the possible places were already taken. When I got off the bus I walked home in the sunshine, and I still felt within me that everything was going to be ok. I ran into Janelle(the owner of the farm where I'm staying) and I asked her if it would be possible for me to stay another month. It turns out that there is another open month, and she said I could stay. I was so relieved I felt like dancing home.
This means that now I have over a month to find my land. I can tell it's going to happen soon. I've taken this faith and planted lots of fruit trees to take to my new home. I keep talking to people about Kalapana Seaview and hearing nothing but good news. I wrote to a realtor today to see if I can schedule a viewing of some lots there. I'm so excited. I look at this life, and watch as everything I could ever dream of becomes real. I'm so happy right now.
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