21 Day Fast-Day 9

This fast has been testing me. On Day 7 I became very weak. It's been hard to get up even to go to the bathroom, especially at night. I'm very lucky to have Jaden to help me. He brings me water, carries me around, and helps me get through the things I'm facing. Physically, this has been very hard. At times I am very hungry and just really want to eat. My weight is down quite a bit, under 100 pounds now, and that has been hard on me. With my long past with eating disorders sometimes I have a hard time telling the difference between that past and what I am experiencing now. On the outside it is the same thing, but the inner journey is the opposite. This time it is to heal, not to die.

The emotional detox has been really tough. It feels like it's bigger than me, smothering me. Sometimes I really don't think I can get through it. There is nothing between me and this pain, nowhere to hide. It is teaching me great humility, but I'm not there yet. There is still so much self judgement and hate inside and that is being projected onto the whole world. The guilt I feel sometimes is so strong. I'm doing everything I can to be present with it and allow it to be. That is the only way to let it go. I know that some extremely powerful things are happening within me right now, and it is taking so much strength, but I'm ready to face it. Some people need to hide, and that is their path, but it's not mine. I know its not.

There are so many things I'm grateful for, and I know it's very important to realign myself with the abundance that is around me, so I will list all the blessings I have in my life right now. Do the same, it can really help turn your life around.

• *My self healing body. It is working so hard to heal and become vibrantly alive.
• *My amazing, caring boyfriend, Jaden.
• *My beautiful friend, Leila
• *My mom, who supports me no matter what crazy ideas I have
• *Rowenna, for being so true to her own path, no matter what anyone else says. 
• *For my time in Seattle and having the right atmosphere to be able to do this fast.
• *For having the opportunities to go and do anything I desire. Even without a job I have been able to travel to so many amazing places, and I will continue to do so.
• *For all the beautiful fruit that comes to me no matter where I am. Fruitarianism is simple when you believe in the abundance of life!
• *The Sunshine! It feeds me with its golden rays!
• *All the vibrant souls who pass through my life every day. People are so beautiful and they all teach me such important lessons.
• *For being ALIVE! There is so much I have yet to experience.

I'm sure there are many more things. Life seems to be filled with more abundance than I could ever have imagined. Anything I have ever wanted comes to me. It is our right to be surrounded in beauty, no matter who we are or what we have done in the past. Our souls are all connected and when one person realizes that they are worthy of love and beauty, it begins to spread like a ripple on the lake. You can change the whole world, not by fighting for change, but by surrendering to what you truly are.   

21 Day Fast-Day 5: Beauty From Pain

I'm near the end of my 5th day fasting and so far it has gone very smoothly. I think all my time in the open air in the jungles of Hawaii, and eating all the pure local fruit there allowed my body to cleanse to a large degree. During my last fast, about 8 months ago, my body became much weaker and I felt and looked very sick the entire time, so much so that I stopped the fast on the 6th day. I've experienced a mild hunger most of the days so far, but nothing extreme, and when I do smell food, it smells very nice, but not like something I'd want to eat. My body is giving me a clear signal that what I'm doing is right.

I have felt quite peaceful the past 5 days, and so extremely blessed. I almost can't believe everything that I've been given. Each day feels like the best day of my life. A couple nights ago we had some friends over and everyone decided to form a healing circle around me. I lied there, feeling the beautiful energy of all these amazing souls. It was like I was surrounded by angels. Life continues to give me more than I ever imagined I would have. The abundance is never ending.

The longer I fast the more sensitive I become to everything around me. My sense of smell is very heightened. I  feel everyone around me so strongly, like I'm so very connected to everyone and everything. When someone hugs me, the experience is so strong, more than the mind can comprehend.

Yesterday I went to the park and sat in the grass while everyone else went for a walk. I figured it was a good time to meditate since I was feeling a little off center. I sat very still and closed my eyes, prepared to face what was within me. Immediately I became very agitated. I wanted to run, to scream, to escape myself. It was terrible, but I vowed to face it. I thought "What is the point in this? Why would anyone put themselves through this?" Shortly afterwards I was given the answer which has been very true to my experience. My friends came back from their walk, so I opened my eyes and came back to the outer world. Everything looked so fresh and new. It's hard to describe, and the only way I know how is to say that a space opened up in me. A space which allowed the world to be, which allowed me to be. My thoughts had slowed down and I was just feeling everything. Every step I took was perfect, every sound was like music.

My experience yesterday made me think of the past year and the observations I have made after times of intense suffering. When I have been deep in depression, deeper than I thought it was possible to go, my mind would spin with thoughts, convincing me I wouldn't get through it, that life would always be more painful than I could bear. There is no way to describe how much it hurt to be alive. But as time went by I would find a way to observe my thoughts and emotions, even for a moment, and that would create a small space, enough for me to be able to slowly break free from the lies of the mind. Afterwards I would always experience more presence, more peace. For me, there is no spiritual growth without the struggles. For most of my life I thought that it wasn't right that people had to experience so much pain and suffering. But to me it has been my greatest gift.

Even now, people often tell me I look unhappy, and sometimes I am, but the more I live, the more suffering I live through, the more moments I have of complete stillness, of bliss. I've never been like other people, people who would laugh so much, and party so hard, running towards things that were fun and exciting. I have at times done those things, but I didn't feel at peace. Happiness is the emotion most would use to describe these experiences, but for me it was just stimulation, running from problems, using drugs, food, people, and situations, to hide from the pain inside that I didn't think I could face. But you have to face it sometime. The only way out is through. And on the other side of it is something which is infinitely more fulfilling than the happiness you experience from sensory stimulation. It's not going to be easy. For me it has been the most difficult thing I have ever faced, but I have no regrets, and I feel like I have been very blessed to lead this path.

I think most people assume that meditation is supposed to be a time of complete stillness and peace. So when they attempt to sit and be silent and they experience the opposite they give up thinking it isn't the right time or they're doing something wrong. But if you just sit through the noise and the pain that comes up, even if you think it is worthless, you will probably find that afterwards you feel so much better. Facing your demons doesn't always mean you have to do something about it. Sometimes, just observing what is within you and accepting it is enough to dissolve it and transmute it into something beautiful. But I know that it is very difficult to go there, and there is a time for it. Maybe it's not today. There is no hurry. You'll know when the time is right for you because that is when it will happen. Everything in life is like that. Nothing happens before its time. So there's nothing to be anxious about, nothing to force, just let it all be.

21 Day Fast- Day 3: Be You!

After 2 days fasting

Feeling Good:)

I'm most of the way through the third day of my fast and I'm actually feeling pretty strong right now. I spent a good hour and a half laying nude in the sunshine and I felt like I was absorbing the essence of life. Sunshine makes me high! I'm drinking plenty of water, and today my appetite is starting to diminish which leaves more room in my mind to contemplate life. I have had some major detox symptoms including a slight headache, sour taste in the mouth, coated tongue, full body pain, serious weakness, rapid hearbeat, and just generally feeling ill, but it comes and goes, and right now my vitality is high. I have noticed something interesting with my breathing. It is like all obstructions are gone and my lungs are working effortlessly. I feel like now my body is breathing itself, where before there was a pressure and I needed to focus more on taking deep breaths.

I've been thinking a lot today about people and how different they all are, about how so few of us are able to accept ourselves fully. When people are against me, that is my greatest time to learn how to accept myself more. When you look at your inner reaction to people's disapproval you will find your own insecurities, and from there it is much more possible to work on finding your true self.

There will always be people who disagree with you, who think you're doing it all wrong. It's impossible to please people when you don't please yourself, and it takes so much effort to try. You lose yourself. So for today, just be who you are, even if that isn't someone you approve of. Question your insecurities. Are they even real? What if you could just love who you are completely? You would be perfection itself.

Right now just take a moment and think about the world. How do you see it? Is it filled with chaos, war, anger, injustice? Is it beautiful, magnificent, full of grace? What do you think needs to change? Are people too harsh, too violent, too judgmental? Be honest here, this is very important.

Now take how you see the world and turn it around to face yourself. The world and all the people in it are only your mirror. Everything is within and there is nothing you need to change about the world. The world changes as you do. When you learn how to love yourself unconditionally, the world will become your Eden.

Fasting-The Time is Now

The Abundance of Life!

I'm currently nearing the end of my second day of water fasting. I plan to go without food for 21 days. Those of you who have been reading my blog know that I have been planning this for a very long time. I have had what the doctor said was colitis for over a year now. I've had major digestive problems, including bleeding, indigestion, severe acidosis, and at times, intense pain. I have also had terrible migraine headaches, rapid heartbeat, shakiness, dizziness, and have been incredibly weak. Overall, I have just felt deep inside that something is majorly wrong in my body. I knew I needed to fast. Almost every time I ate my body fiercely rejected the food, even if it was as simple as a mono meal of melon. I was afraid to fast though, but not so much for the reasons you might expect. Everyone keeps telling me that doing a 3 week fast without supervision is extremely risky and should not be attempted, but I have no doubts about my body's ability to heal itself. I'm a hygienist so I don't believe in super foods, or anything outside of myself to do this healing work. I know that the body can work most efficiently when it isn't being burdened with the extremely exhaustive task of digesting food. My concern lies first of all with the weight loss that will inevitably occur. I'm not worried about starving to death as I know I have plenty of fat reserves to carry out this fast( I weighed myself the other day and was 108 pounds), but I do have a past with eating disorders and I'm a little nervous that going to such a low weight will trigger me into a relapse. To be honest though, even that isn't really on my mind. I feel like my journey in this life is beyond that now. My other biggest hesitancy with fasting was the fact that I knew it would require me to face all my emotional issues. I, like a lot of people, have used eating as a distraction for most of my life. Eating heavy foods especially, can use up so much digestive energy that it is literally impossible to go through any deep emotional experience. Even eating only fruit can be used in this way, to a much lesser degree. Any time I have fasted in the past, it has been like all my emotional pain, and any traumatic memories, have been brought directly to the surface. I wasn't sure if I was ready for that, and I kept putting this fast into the future, coming up with reasons not to do it. I did fast for two days while in Hawaii, but I stopped, feeling right away that it wasn't right. 
Now is different though. I am so extremely fortunate to have been blessed with the perfect environment to fast. I live in a peaceful apartment with my amazing boyfriend here to supervise, and support me. There is nothing I need to do, and I can spend my days reading, listening to music, painting and taking naps. There are no stresses about going places to buy food, or finding a place to live. I can just be here and allow this healing to take place.
Now that I am almost two days in, the life around me is beginning to shift. It's kind of scary because all my priorities are kind of falling away, and I'm not sure what is important. It feels sort of like nothing is really important, and a deep part of me knows that to be true. There is nothing we need to hold onto, nothing to be afraid of. Not a thing in this world can get close to touching who you are. Time is moving in such a different rhythm, sort of like it isn't really here anymore. All that I am is right here and now. Who I am, who you are, is without time, space, thought, form. It is outside anything your mind can comprehend and you are completely safe.    

Grace

It's been weeks since I've posted, and the more time passes the more I feel I need to fill in. So much has happened in Seattle, but I think I will just start from here.

I have gone from 14 days on only papayas, to 10 days on watermelons, to 5 days on green juices, and a couple short water fasts in between it all. I often question how my body can still be failing after all the work I've done, but yesterday as I water fasted I did some deep inquiry. We can't possibly heal physically until we're ready. It's just like painful emotions that we keep inside. They will be there until we are comfortable enough to let them go. A big part of me is so ready to be vibrantly healthy, to be able to run and play and eat so much fruit without pain, but I have been in contact with the part of myself which feels safe being sick. I have spent most of my life as a victim, and I still have attachments to the suffering within me. That part of me is becoming smaller though, and when I am truly present I can see past any suffering of the body. My life is so perfect right now and it has nothing to do with where I am or what I'm doing or the health of my body. I'm often experiencing what it is like to be at ease with life, wherever it takes me. I'm living in a city, a city that less than a year ago felt like a cage to me. But my eyes are opening and all I see is beauty here now. Sometimes I'll be walking and I'll see lanes and lanes of cars, pollution filling my lungs, loud noises all around me, and life just seems to be filled with so much grace. My spirit glows and feels the life in all of it. I also walk through the woods, and on the beach, and I feel it there too. God is everywhere.

Judgement has been such a part of my life lately and it has been a great gift. The mind judges, that is just the way of it, but it's what you do with these judgments that is important. Like most people I often feel guilt for the thoughts that run through my mind, thinking that I am not a good person to have these judgments. Any judgement I have about anyone else is always just about me, and I am seeing that to be true for everyone. And any judgement that is placed upon me can only hurt when I already believe it about myself. No one can possibly hurt you if you inquire into your own mind. Judgement is the path to truth because when you look at your inner reactions you will meet yourself, maybe for the first time. If someone tells you that you are selfish and it hurts it is only because you are already holding this belief within yourself. It is never the other person who is hurting you. You will also see that this person is suffering because it isn't possible to be unkind unless there is pain within you. This is the innocence of humanity! Everyone just needs love and complete acceptance, and it is the most difficult path in the world to learn how to love unconditionally. It is through the struggles that you learn what love really is. I have been through more pain than I thought I could take, and I'm starting to see how intense suffering and pure bliss are so close to each other, just a small shift of awareness apart. I know I didn't choose this life because I wanted to experience simplicity and pleasure. This incarnation is a never ending lesson, one that not a lot of people seem to understand. By living a life of mostly silent contemplation it can appear that my life is empty. I have no career, very few hobbies, and I spend very little time absorbed in the distractions of television, books, socializing, or much of anything else, yet my time here is constantly filled with such substance. When I do lose myself in the dramas of the world I immediately fall from balance and need to retreat back into my deeper self.

"God is good," that's what people say when things go as they want them to, but when life doesn't go according to plan, where is God in that? More and more I'm seeing that God is in everything, that the struggles and the pain are as filled with grace as anything we would consider beautiful. You don't need to have a plan of how your life should go, how this day should go, this instant. If you are just here, just experiencing everything without needing it to be a certain way, it isn't possible to suffer. When you embrace everything there is nothing that is not god. Everything is as it should be, and life is nothing but grace.