Change

Everything is beginning to change again. I've been staying at this beautiful farm for almost 3 months now, and I've grown to love it here. I woke up this morning to find this tiny rollinia, that my neighbor, Jim, left for me. Once a week or so he brings me a rollinia because he knows how much I love them, and it always makes me feel so blessed. It's been so amazing to watch everything around me change over these months. I've spent so much time just sitting in the grass, watching the fruit trees, as they've gone from blossom to ripe fruit, the tiny little chicks which were born when I arrived are looking like full grown chickens already, many people have come and gone, the seasons have changed, I've changed. The first day I arrived here I saw the words over my door, "Know Thyself," and I knew that was why I was here. I have spent more time alone, in complete silence here than I ever have in my life. I've had time to ponder everything of existence, and I've discovered so many important things about myself.

One of the most profound things I've learned about myself is that I want to be part of a big family/community/tribe, and I have no desire to be independent. I thought I might want to live on my own, at least for some time, but that time is passing for me. Independence is a ridiculous concept if you really think about it. Sure, we should be able to take care of ourselves if the need arises, but we were meant to be part of big families and tribes, where interdependence is key. Everyone looking after one another, each person doing what they are good at or enjoy doing. In this world today, people are forced to take on so many roles that they lose their identity. We try to be independent before we have even allowed ourselves to be dependent (because that spells weakness, suppossedly). We can't focus on what we love doing because we need to do everything. It's not necessary to be good at everything. We're all just part of a bigger whole, and it's our journey to find our place in it.

So, where will I end up after I leave this farm? I honestly don't know yet. I've been searching for another affordable place to live for a long time now, but I haven't found anything yet. I am nervous, and at first I was angry with myself for feeling that way, thinking I should be brave, but I realized that was useless. I shouldn't be brave about it because I'm not, and resisting the fear was what truly hurt. I might rent a room in Hilo since they are cheaper there, and I would have internet usage, and be near to the market. I know, it's a city, and I swore I would never live in the city, but it would be short term, just until I find my land. Or I might find another place in the jungle within the next 2 weeks. I might even end up on Kauai.

You can sort of see my new moon goddess necklace from my mom

I'm working on making a lot of jewelry which I'm going to sell on the streets of Hilo. If I can even sell one piece each day that will pay for rent. I just need to get by until I have my land and can start growing food. I got a ride into town today with a man who just bought a farm here with his wife. He told me a bit about real estate and farming here, and said that I'll surely find my land soon. He said he can even provide me with plant starts once I'm ready.

I've been researching land here in Puna for well over a year now, and since being in Hawaii I have seen a lot of properties. I made an offer on a small cabin on an acre, but didn't get it, but there are many more places I'd like to see. I'm still trying to decide on a couple of things. I could get a large 3 acre parcel in Orchidland for the same price as 1 acre in Paradise Park, but in Paradise Park, I'd be right on the coast, maybe even a five minute walk to the ocean. It would be a lot sunnier there, and a lot warmer. In Orchidland, winters are chilly, a lot of people have a little wood stove, and it rains pretty much all the time. But I would have 3 acres. The thought of that makes me feel so excited. I could do so much with 3 acres. I could start my durian farm, and grow so much fruit, enough to feed all my friends and family, and that is my ultimate dream. Next week I'm going to look at some properties in both communities, and I'll update with what I find.

This is the first summer of my life where I haven't been gardening. It feels very strange, and I spend so much time thinking about growing things. Every time I see someone gardening, or pass by properties that I've been watching turn from bare land, to thriving gardens, with small fruit trees growing, my heart lights up. My path is clear to me. Growing a food forest is next on my list. Caring for the land and growing food just seems so fulfilling to me. Last year, every time I was really depressed I would go out to my little garden in the yard, and just sit there, marvelling at how the little tomato plants were growing, and I always felt more calm. My life feels unstable at the moment, but soon I will have many gardens, and I will watch the durian trees grow, working with the land, and being truly at home.