Yesterday afternoon, after not having a whole lot of food for my morning meal, I became quite hungry. I almost decided to give in and eat another meal, but then I decided not to. This is only for a month, and I can do that. I would stop if I felt deprived or if it was having a negative impact on my life, but it feels right. It's going to be intense and challenging, but I'm up for it. I imagine today will be a lot easier since I'm going to Hilo to hopefully get a mountain of durian and other ripe exotics. The hunger yesterday wasn't what was really challenging though. By evening the emotional detox had become very strong. I was very restless, but didn't want to get up and move around because I'd had enough exercise already. I did some yoga, but it wasn't helping. I just sat in my bed, crying, feeling like at any second my body would just give out from the pain that was coming up. I felt so vulnerable, so lonely, so afraid. I focused as much as I could on just dealing with each moment as it came, and after about 5 hours of just laying there, curled up in a tight little ball on my bed, I fell asleep. This morning I woke up feeling very fragile, but peaceful. I feel good about getting out today and going into Hilo. I need some time to be around people to balance me right now. Tomorrow I'm going to Kona with some new friends here. I'm very excited to see the other side of the island, the abundance and wealth, the dry, sunny weather, the sandy beaches. I'm sitting here thinking about how ridiculous it is that I have been been able to manifest pretty much anything I could ever want in the physical realm. The good just keeps on coming. I'm still working on getting my mental state into alignment with peace, humility, and surrender, and at times I'm really there, but I've been on an emotional rollercoaster for a while now. Right now though, I feel so alive, so completely at peace with reality. The sun is just rising, a new day starting. Anything is possible today.
Later
Just got back from my trip to Hilo. Lots of insights about my body today. I sit here trying to type, my hands are shaking uncontrollably, but let's back up a little bit. Ender and I got to Hilo determined to get durian. My usual shop was still sold out so we decided to get some from the more expensive shop near the farmer's market. We each got 2 pounds and waited impatiently for them to thaw. We stocked up on fruit for the week, and I got a giant soursop, over 6 pounds! I also got my first green sapote and a basket of bananas. I was going to avoid bananas if possible since they haven't beeen making me feel my best, but since I'm out of dates I didn't want to risk running out of food again.
We got on the bus, planning on eating our durian on the trip home. As soon as Ender opened the package and we took a bite, the bus driver told us we couldn't eat it on the bus. After smelling and tasting the luscious fruit we had a hard time controlling ourselves from eating it, Ender even tried to tell the driver I was hypoglycemic and needed to eat, but it didn't fly. So, in the end I waited until I got off the bus to have my first and only meal of the day. It had been 26 hours since I had last eaten, but by then the hunger wasn't actually that strong. I noticed that by noon time the hunger I was feeling in the morning had transformed into a strong life energy within me. I became very aware and every moment seemed very important. I liked how it felt. My senses became very intensified. Every smell had so many smells within it, so much fuller and exciting. A touch of my hand was felt throughout my entire body, even the wind in my hair or the sun on my skin was indescribably wonderful.
After getting off the bus I decided to find a nice spot in the woods to sit down with my glorious feast. As much as I had wanted durian on the bus ride I found myself now wanting something very sweet and juicy. Also, I wanted to eat more food today and knew that starting with a fatty fruit wasn't the best idea. So I opened up my green sapote. It was exactly like mamey. I'd never had two different fruits that I couldn't tell apart. Strange. It went down well though, and I wanted more. Like I may have mentioned before, once I get started on a mono meal, I become one with the taste of that fruit and I usually am disgusted by any other fruit until I experience a taste change with the fruit I am eating. Knowing I had no more sapote and needed to eat more I waited a few minutes then moved onto bananas. After the first one my body told me that they were very good for me and to slowy continue to eat them. I had 8 of them then stopped, not because I'd had enough, but because I had two pounds of durian to eat, and I knew I would need a lot of stomach space for that. Honestly though, if I had a way to store the durian I would have because I only wanted more bananas. I opened the first package of durian and it was very creamy and flavorful. It felt a little too rich and heavy even though the taste was very good. By the time I had finished the first package I felt like I didn't really want anymore, but I knew the other durian would only last an hour or two without refridgeration, which I didn't have. So I opened it up, but I noticed that it seemed a little watery. I tasted it and it was very sour and bitter, already rotten when I bought it. The first thought that came to my mind was "This sucks. I paid $12 for this durian and now I just need to throw it away." But then I looked deeper. I was already full, and more food would only have fermented in my stomach, causing pain and sickness. In this way I got to enjoy some delicious durian and the forest got some very powerful compost. We both win.
I noticed that immediately after eating the durian my physical energy dropped by about 85%. I felt too exhausted to move. All the mental clarity I had felt had become clouded and very murky. I was having a hard time thinking at all. This felt similar to times in the past when I've overdone it on avocados. I think that this daily fasting is already making my body very sensitive, and the lightness and clarity I've been experiencing aren't something I want to lose right now. I've been going through sheer hell, facing my demons through emotional detox, but I'll be posting another entry about that. Physically though, allowing my body to have long amounts of time without food has already proven to give me better energy, balance, and especially flexibility. Even after years of doing yoga my flexibility has never really improved much, but just in the past few days I have noticed a difference. I can tell that the tightness in my muscles is largely an emotional issue, but clearly it has physical causes as well.
Lack of energy wasn't my only problem after the durian. I also realized that I had become dehydrated(fatty foods usually do that to me) and I had no water. I began to shake uncontrollably and felt like I might pass out. I decided that I needed to sit in the shade for a few minutes before trying to make it home, even though I knew I needed to rehydrate as soon as possible. My body just couldn't move. I tried to stand up and had a very hard time. I had quite a heavy load of food to carry home and I honestly didn't know if it was possible. I began to walk, very slowly, taking many breaks. I knew that if I projected myself any more than one step into the future I would collapse so I needed to stay very present. Just one more step. One more step. It took me over an hour to walk home, and when I got here I fell into my bed and didn't move for a couple of hours. Later in the evening I noticed that my stomach was very bloated and the pain was intensifying. I went for a short walk, fermenting durian coming up my throat, then noticed that there was blood in my pants again when I got home. David Klein said to avoid all fatty food, even durian until your intestines are well healed. I wanted to keep durian as my exception to the rules, but I think I will need to exclude it from my diet for now. Or eat only small amounts. I think if I slowly eat maybe a half pound while feeling good and happy it would be fine. I noticed when I got home today that someone had left a ripe rollinia by my door. I felt so touched that I almost cried. The goodness of people never ceases to amaze me.
So, what I've learned today: 1)Drink more water. 2)Don't eat fatty foods when you're trying to cleanse 3)Listen to your instincts and if your body tells you it only wants one kind of food, listen. 4)Enjoy the lightness and intensification of the senses as your body detoxifies.
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