My First Lifestyle Design Experiment!

Watch this video. It makes it pretty hard not to feel good

I've been thinking a lot this past week of starting a lifestyle design experiment, but not sure what to try first. I want it to be something that I feel confident in sticking to for a full 30 days, and also for it to be something that I really feel will help me at this time in my life. Lately I've been going through a very emotional time an it's been draining me. I have barely slept in a week, just staying awake and reliving past pains, coming to one very big realization: That it's all me. All the suffering I've experienced was by choice, by my inner resistance to reality. This is a concept I have believed for a long time, but it's really starting to sink in and it's scary. To know that no one and no thing will ever make you happy, that it is all within you, is a very good thing, but right now I'm still in the stage of allowing it to really sink in. Where I'm going with this is that right now I feel a strong need to go through what I'm going through without any rules or expectations, so I don't think I want my first lifestyle design experiment to be an emotional one.



At the same time that I've been going through all these past negativities, my body has been tightening up and going through some rough patches. I've been having a lot of pain and bleeding this week, resorting to taking pain killing drugs quite often, and that really isn't something I want to be doing. I can feel, as I have for a long time, that my body wants to heal, and as I work through the emotional problems I've been having I think that my body will become more vibrantly alive, but I want to help it in every way I can. I noticed how the no breakfast plan really helped with my absorption of food, and I feel compelled to try an even more extreme approach of eating less hours per day. So I've decided to go with the plan of Arnold Ehret, and try for 30 days to eat only one meal a day, preferably at noon time, but anytime between 10am and 2pm would be great. The meal will last no more than an hour, that way I am fasting for 23 hours of each day. My meal will be a series of mono fruits, probably no more than three different fruits each day, and often only one kind. I will eat only the healing diet as prescribed by David Klein, so I will be avoiding fats, and all citrus and high acid fruits, as well as peels and seeds within fruits. I expect I will have a little bit of difficulty eating a large amount of calories in only an hour, so I will probably lose some weight, but if I can get my assimilation back to normal I will need a lot less food in the future. There was a time when 1200 calories a day would allow me to maintain my weight and feel really good. Since becoming sick I've needed to eat more than double that amount, feeling like I'm filling my body with more food than it can handle while still losing weight and feeling tired and too full.



I feel really optimistic about this lifestyle design experiment. I really hope it will be of inspiration to other's who are suffering from colitis, or really any health problems. The idea behind this approach is that nothing outside of us can heal us. Just like every other being on the planet, we are self healing. Most of us have spent our lives stuffing ourselves with food, some of it healthy, a lot of it not. Digestion uses more vital energy than any other body process, and when we eat many kinds of foods, or foods which aren't meant for humans, or if we eat from morning until evening our bodies spend all of their energy on digesting food, and eventually it will wear them down to a point where they can't remove the toxic matter as quickly as it is coming in and disease will result. By eating only one meal a day, and by eating it calmly, really feeling the food to nourish me, and by allowing 23 hours each day for my body to rest and heal, I feel like that will open me up to tapping into the life energy that is within me and outside of me, that is a part of everything. I noticed when I was fasting daily for 18 hours or so last month that I would feel this strange sense of life in the mornings. It's hard to describe, but it was very deep, like I was a part of everything and my energy wasn't just of the body, that it was limitless. It felt very good and calming. In the mornings when I was walking to the bus I would really see things. I would really feel the sunshine and the wind. I would really feel the life all around me and within me. So as much as this is going to be a physical healing experience, it will also be deeply spiritual. I'm ready to heal on all levels.

Today is my first day of the experiment, and it is going well so far. I woke up really hungry, but waited until 10:15am to have my first food. I started by drinking a young coconut. I found myself drinking it down very quickly. My body really needed it. Then I ate 4 papayas and waited a few minutes before eating 22 medjool dates. I feel good and full right now, but I imagine I'll get pretty hungry later today. Dates are very helpful in making it easy to eat more in one sitting.

This weekend I went to a raw vegan potluck next door. It was really cool hanging out with such amazing people. Usually I find myself feeling really awkward at social gatherings, and become very tense and sick feeling, but I found myself accepting who I was a lot more, sitting quietly and just allowing myself to be, and a lot of wonderful people came and sat down to talk to me. I was happy to have company and happy not to. I really liked just being in the presence of people without expectations. I got to try mangosteen which was really amazing, and had a nice plate of many delicious fruits. A big part of me really feels good about who I am. Things are really changing for me, and even though I'm going through a lot of turbulance within myself right now, I really feel like it will all be ok. I also got to hang out with Ender and had a really good time with him. We both brought rolllinia to the potluck and it was probably my favorite thing there. No durian, but I feel like we'll get some later this week.



After getting only a few hours sleep night before last I ended up taking a nap yesterday for almost four hours. I don't think I've done that since I was a little kid. I woke up and felt like it was morning and I needed to get on the bus. Then I ended up falling asleep in the evening and sleeping for over ten hours more. The more sleep I can get at this point the better. The body can work at healing so much more efficiently while you're sleeping. If you have a hard time sleeping for very many hours, just resting with your eyes closed can be very helpful. Meditation is also a great practice.



I just want to say one more thing before I go. If life feels really hard right now, and you really hurt inside, don't give up. Just be quiet for a moment, and see how successful you are at being alive. You're here now and you're breathing, and you're feeling things, having experiences. It's all a gift, even if you can't imagine that right now. Believe that you will feel good. Resist nothing.

FEEL GOOD

Life is really good right now. I've been feeling really relaxed the past few days, just allowing things to unfold. This morning I found myself singing along with the music on the bus, and when I didn't know the words I was humming, for over 2 hours. The old me would never do this. Actually I think it was the first time I ever sang out loud in public in as long as I can remember. I felt really good doing it, really present. Then I got into Hilo and the sun was shining so brightly, and feeling it on my skin just brought me into a state of complete gratitude. I got some mangoes and enjoyed them in the grass, the whole time smiling and thinking how it couldn't get any better than this.

I've gotten to eat a lot of annona fruits this week. Rollinia, cherimoya and soursop, all fruits which make me feel very balanced and satisfied. The past few days I've felt at times like the fruit I'm eating is really being absorbed and is giving me more life than before. When I'm laughing and happy digestion is so effortless, and this week I've noticed how long it has been since I've really laughed and really felt happy. I've been holding onto a lot of pain, so tightly that it felt like my identity, and it's scary to let it go, but it's allowing me to become more my true self. The me who isn't afraid to be herself, to feel happy, to be free.

I've gotten to hang out with my new friend Ender a couple days this week, and it's been really healing for me. He has a blog and website which is filled with his exciting adventures in Hawaii, and his lifestyle design experiements where he tries out things which he thinks will positively affect his life for 30 days and then decides if he wants to keep them or not. He's inspired me to want to try out some experiements too. I'm still deciding on what to try first, but I'm excited to get started. His website is http://www.endersadventures.com/ and I highly recommend it for anyone who is looking for a fresh start, to live from the heart, to feel good, and to attract all the good in the world.

It's not always easy to start living a new life, to admit to ourselves that inside we've been hiding from and denying a lot of past pains. But if you can admit that you're holding onto pain, that it's all you, then you have the power to allow yourself to be happy, to flow with the never ending goodness that is life.

Oh, and a very important lesson that I'm learning: Always put yourself first! Allow yourself to be happy, get into alignment with what feels good to you. Once you do you will hold the power to transform the lives of others and change the world. Don't feel guilty. We've been programmed to believe we're bad if we care about ourselves and put ourselves first, but I've lived that way and it was miserable. I couldn't help anyone because all I brought to the situation was my own lack. When you are abundant, everyone will feel it and begin to realize that they deserve good too. And it will move like a wave, spreading love further than you can imagine.


FEEL GOOD! YOU DESERVE IT!

Of Life and Death

Beautiful song from one of my favorite movies

As I woke up early this morning I felt like I needed to write again. I rarely ever know what I'm going to write about, and even as I write I don't know what I'm going to end up with. A lot of my posts lately come straight from my heart, and I learn so much as the words come out. This blog started out to be mostly about fruitarianism, and I see that lately it's evolving into more of a journey of spirit. I'm not going to try to tame it in any way. What I write about here is my experience, and it's raw and honest. Before I get to my topic of the day I just want to write a little of how my outer world is taking shape. I've been in Hawaii for over two months now, and my experiences here have been wilder than my wildest dreams. Somehow each day I am cared for and nurtured in just the way that I need. I am fed amazing fruit, seeing places that literally take my breath away, meeting soul friends, and experiencing moments that words could never be enough to describe. In every way I am in love with my reality.


The past couple days I've ended up talking to quite a few people about death. Not in a gruesome or depressing way, but more about the circle of life, and what is really lost when we die. I can remember when I was about four years old and someone explained to me what dying was. For days I just sat alone in the fields thinking about it, and I felt so sad and lost. I kept crying because I felt like someday, maybe even soon, I would lose who I was. All the memories, the fun and adventures, they would be no more. I don't know when it was that I stopped fearing death. I imagine it was only within the past 5 years. It's not in a suicidal way, or that I don't appreciate life, but at some point it occured to me that time was ridiculous. I thought to myself, if I can enjoy this moment, this experience, for one minute, one hour, a hundred years, what is the difference? There was none. I can find nothing of value anywhere but here and now. Also, what could one fear of death? Of losing something precious? People have been talking of death and loss lately, and I've noticed a reaction within myself that has changed. I don't really react at all. I'm told someone died and I think "ok". There's no sadness, no loss at all. "It's so tragic. It shouldn't have happened" they'll say. But I can't understand them. What was lost? I feel like there's something shared in all of us, it's everything, and it's nothing and it can't die because it was never born. The death of the body is just part of the cycle. I can completely respect and feel for the people who are so upset about death because I know how it is to feel that way and it hurts.

I think what we fear is suffering, of not being able to escape it. A week or so ago I got a ride from a man who was a Jehovah's Witness. He asked me what religion I was born into and I told him that I embraced everything. He then decided to tell me a little of his religion. He talked of how this world is in trouble and what is promised to us is that someday there will be a perfect earth, one without suffering or pain, where no one will ever get old or die. Then he said to me "Now, if the earth becomes this beautiful place, and you could live forever in this paradise, would you choose that or to go up in heaven with the angels?" "Hmmm" I said "I really don't know. Both options sound lovely." He replied with a chuckle, "Well, that is nice of you to say, but I would obviously choose to live here forever, and watch my great grandchildren grow up. I wouldn't want to miss any of that." I could see that his fear was strong, and that he saw so much wrong with the world. He really didn't want to die. We also talked of the beauty of this world now, and that topic was easy for me. I can't see anything wrong with the world the way it is. This is heaven on earth. This is what everyone is waiting for.

Eckhart Tolle writes about dying before you die. I've practiced it, curious about what it is that I'd leave behind if I died. I realized that death is a complete surrender, a release of the ego, and of all fear. When you let go, all that is left is peace. By holding on, by fearing death, we are missing life. There is so much here, always, and we don't even know it.

I go through times of experiencing such peace and love for the world and I see that it's at times when I know I am everything and I'm accepting and loving all of it, just as it is. It all starts with me. To try to change the world without changing your own thoughts is backwards. As if you could end the wars, the violence, the hatrid in the world without first looking within and ending all these things within yourself. The world is a mirror of your inner state. When someone talks about something that upsets me, I ask myself where I have experienced this upsetting thing. For example, if someone tells me about the horror that factory farmed animals face, I think to myself, "where have I felt so trapped in fear? Where have I been tortured?" I can find many examples, and I see how I have projected my own experience onto these animals when I have no idea how they actually felt. I ask myself how my suffering will help them and I know that it won't. I know that I alone am responsible for my suffering, and that I only suffer when I believe a thought which is untrue. I'm not saying it's ok that bad things happen, or that I accept it and won't do anything about it, but I'm at peace with it, and I can do so much more good when I feel inspired and loving. What can you accomplish with hatrid, fear, or sadness? Only more of the same.

My mom was talking yesterday about our purpose here. She mentioned something in one of my Wayne Dyer books that she was reading, about how everyone has a purpose. He cited an example about a drunk bum on the street(I think that was it anyway) and about how his purpose might have been to teach another how not to live. My mom thought that was a pathetic and rather depressing purpose for his life. I didn't really have an opinion on it. I feel like the only purpose I can focus on is my own, and not knowing, the mystery, is what makes life amazing. When you really think about it, what do you know? Nothing. There is nothing to know, nothing possible to know. I feel like I'm here to experience and share love, but even that is unknown. Who are you when you let go of all these beliefs? You are the love and the peace that you've been searching so hard for. It's been there all along.

Don't Let Anything Stop You From Your Dreams

I was taking the bus into town yesterday, just to do some emailing, when a friend of mine walked on the bus. He's been doing a lifestyle experiement of the fruitarian diet for 2 weeks and was travelling into Hilo to get more fruit. It's a challenge for those of us without vehicles to carry home enough fruit to feed ourselves, but for me the challenge is fun, for the most part. I decided to go all the way to Hilo with him so we could get some durian and check out the big market. We both got some yummy fruit then got back on the bus. We ate some soursop and then decided to open up some durian. As soon as the package was opened it smelled very strongly, and sooo good. Of course, me and my friend were the only ones who thought so. Everyone was saying "oh god, what's that smell?" They opened windows and were clearly disgusted. We couldn't help but laugh. How could they hate that smell? How? It was very special to share durian with another fruitarian. It was one of the things I was working on manifesting here. The friendship and connection was really what I needed yesterday. It continues to amaze me how quickly things manifest here. I'm working on really focusing my intention on the things and situations I'd like to manifest. I've been working with the law of attraction for a couple of years now, really understanding how it works in my life. It's good to look at what you've manifested in the past, that way you can see how attraction has been working in your life and put it to use for the future.
Some time ago I put together a list of things I wanted to manifest, and I went all out, dreaming as big as I could, and so many of those things are in my life now. At the beginning of this year I vowed to follow my dreams, not to let anything get in my way, especially my own fear. Fear is what holds most of us back from alllowing the good into our lives. I won't lie, I experienced a lot of fear when I just started out in Hawaii by myself. It was so far beyond anything I could have percieved possible for myself even a short while ago. Having severe social anxiety disorder I found it extremely difficult just to go to the post office, or the checkout line at the grocery store. On the outside I tried to remain together and fearless, but inside I was a mess, so afraid I would often have breakdowns at home, even becoming suicidal. All that over little everyday tasks that most people don't even think of. Sometimes I thought I was in hell. The possibility of setting off to the other side of the world alone, having to take complete responsibility for myself was laughable. I didn't think I could do anything. But for so long I had hidden, consumed by misery and loneliness, depending on others to take care of me. I'd had enough. What was the worst that could happen? I realized that the worst I could imagine was nothing compared to the fear and depression I had been living with. So I went for it, and I'm so happy I did. There were, and still are, times when I don't think I can do it, but having this time on my own has shown me that I'm stronger than I ever could have imagined. I know there's nothing I can't do, be or have, if I really want it. All of life is a gift, especially the struggles. So don't give up. If you think you can't do it, try. What's the worst that can happen? 

Letting Go

Lately I've been doing The Work, as recommended by Byron Katie. Thinking it through isn't enough since the process isn't really one of the mind. Doing it on paper really helps. As I write down every thought which I have believed for so long, I see that its oppposite is at least as true if not more true. How could I have been believing I was this person for so long? Thoughts such as "I'm a bad person," "I can't take care of myself," "Life is hard," "I can't...", in reality aren't any more true than "I'm a good person," "I can take care of myself," "Life is easy," "I can...". I'm coming more and more to the conclusion that all thoughts are pretty meaningless, and they don't define me or anyone. Of course, it's one thing to realize, and quite another to experience this truth. But I feel like I'm losing my sense of self, and as much as it seems scary sometimes, in the moment it's quite amazing. I ask myself "Can it really be safe to just do everything that feels right in the moment with no regard to past or future?" Somehow I feel that it's right to live that way. We've been so programmed to fear everything, but I feel like it's all falling away. I'm practicing allowing, and I'm seeing what Katie said she saw, that I'm being done! I'm not living life, life is living me! I'm just here for the ride. I keep watching myself, seeing what it would be like to not interfere, and this girl does things and my mind says "what are you doing? That's wrong, dangerous, crazy, stupid", but she does it anyway. She's me and not me, and I am never in control. I never have been. It's all an illusion. Everything is our greatest gift.

While being sick and very tired I've been able to just spend my time reading and relaxing in bed.I'm going to share a little bit more from Byron Katie's book "A Thousand Names For Joy".

"To be in the desert alone is to understand the absoluteness of solitude, the positive nature of emptiness. During the day, no sound-just mile after mile of sameness. Imagination has no context for the vastness of the desert when you're in it alone. And at night, in the moonless world, amid the smells and the silence, you lie down and have no idea what you're lying on. Is it a snake? A cactus? So you lie and wait, look up at the stars, and receive the ground, the coolness of the sand, giving up the idea that mind could grasp the lumps under your leg or shoulder. And then the thought of time. Is it midnight? Is it five days later, five years? And what am I who wonder what I am? And the smile that comes from knowing that you can't know and really don't care, that the answer to that would shrivel in the delight of this moment. Nothing of life imagined can compete with the beauty of nothingness, the vastness of it, the unfathomable darkness.


"This amazing desert earth has been my greatest teacher. She doesn't budge from what she is. I sit on her and there is no movement, no discussion, no complaint. The earth just gives, without condition, unnoticed, and that's the proof of love. She doesn't ever withhold. She doesn't compromise. The way she speaks is through the ind and the rain, the sand, the rocks, the sounds of her creatures. She just sings her song without meaning, and she continues to give without any expectation of return. She'll support you all your life, and if you throw a tin can onto her or dump poison into her bloodstream or drop a bomb on her, there is still total, unconditional love. She keeps giving and giving. She's me awake. She's you."


"We're born alone, we die alone, and we live alone, each on our own planet of perception. No two people have ever met. Even the people you know best and love with all your heart are your own projections. Sooner or later, you're the one who's left. Do you realize how wonderful that is? After all, you're the one you go to sleep with and wake up with, you're the one who orders your favorite food, and loves your favorite music. You've always been your favorite subject-your only subject. It's all about you.


" There's nothing sweeter than being with myself, by myself. The amusement, the wonder of thoughts! They appear so real in their brilliance, they create the whole world, the majesty and play of it, the life of feelings, the joys that mind brings forth as nectar to itself. Thoughts appear from nowhere, they move by like clouds, they change, they dissipate, they're gone. Who named the sky? How did he know that?


" I sit with my eyes closed. Two hours pass, then it occurs to me that not a single thought has happened. I discover that tears of joy are running down my cheeks. I don't stop them, even though the joy seems bigger than I can contain. All that it is, all that it ever was and ever could be, is invited to live at its highest power, now. It's all right if it kills me; it doesn't matter, I know not to stop it. I become so bright, so weightless and lived, so fearlessly allowing, that the joy can have its own full life through me. And as everything becomes visible, I see its true nature, which is love. Everything else is burned up as this joy has its way with me. I could kiss the ground, I could make love with the dirt, with the cement, the leaves, the soil, the texture of reality between fingers that can't even hold it. There's nothing to grasp, nothing that can be controlled. I notice that I'm worshipping not with any words, but with palm of hand against cheek. Where will this love end? How could I possibly know? And, eventually, the sobbing changes to the softest whisper, a breath, and then not even that."

I love reading her books because, while reading them, I feel what it would be like to be so free. All the problems of my mind go away, at least for a little while. More and more I'm finding myself in a state of surrender, observing the world around me, not needing for it to be any different than it is. It seems that when I'm talking with people I lose a large part of that acceptance, and become lost in fear of judgement, projecting myself into the future. To observe it as it is happening is new to me though, and I feel like I'm beginning to see through it. Who am I trying to hide anyway? If I know that I am perfection, living in this human form, that there can be no mistakes, how can I not love who I am in every moment?

Dreamland

For the longest time I've wanted to see the Maku'u farmers market, and haven't because the bus doesn't run on Sundays, so I decided to hitchhike. I've been doing that more and more lately, and have had nothing but good experiences, but almost everyone who gives me a ride says I shouldn't be, that it's dangerous for a young woman to be out alone. I imagine they're right, but for now that is how it is. Maybe sometime soon I'll have someone to go with me.



The market was unbelievable. Hilo farmers market is nothing compared to this one. There were so many vendors I was overwhelmed. All kinds of delicious ripe fruit. I ended up having some giant chocolate sapotes for breakfast( you need to have chocolate on Easter after all), and then got the most delicious smelling jackfruit(which someone later told me was a champedak) and a huge soursop. Hitchhiking back to Pahoa was easy and I spent a couple hours there catching up with things on the internet. The ride home ended up being really cool because when I got in the people's car there were a bunch of durians. The couple were fellow fruit enthusiasts, so we had a good chat. They also told me where Cinder Road was, so I decided to spend my afternoon in search of my land there. I also asked if the guy knew of any land for sale in the area and if he knew about the property I was interested in. He said just to go there, to explore, and that I'd know if it was right and the universe would arrange a way for me.


As I walked up Cinder Road I felt the energy of the land shift. While I love it on Papaya Farms Road, there's an energy there which I think extends from the old Hawaiian burial grounds further towards the coast. It feels a bit dark and heavy, very intense, but not completely unwelcoming. On Cinder road everything felt brand new, like time had not found it yet. It was also the road where Cinderland is located. Since being here I've learned that word of mouth isn't that trustworthy here. When I was staying at Hedonisia the owners there told me that people from Cinderland were wild and dangerous, that they did huge amounts of heavy drugs and would end up on your land to harass you. I heard so many other stories there that I have yet to find true. But in a way I believed what I was told about Cinderland and I have steered clear of there. Since staying in Kapoho I have run into so many people staying at Cinderland and they've all been amazing, beautiful souls. While walking past there today I met a couple people, all without shoes, hippies, like me, and I felt really at home with them. Everyone always assumes I live at Cinderland just because I seem so similar to the people who live there. It would be so amazing to live on the same road as the eco community. I'd never run out of new friends, and at the same time I'd have so much privacy and silence.


The further I walked up the road the more I loved it. Eventually it became more of a path than a road, so overgrown and forgotten.There was a lot of cane grass, and above it you could see mountains of lava rock all around. It was like the road was in this safe little valley, and I felt so protected there. Clouds began to cover the sky and the rain began to pour on me, soaking me to the skin. It was amazing. So much life there. At the end of the road were the papaya farms I've heard so much about. There were papaya trees as far as the eyes could see and so many dropped to the ground.I brought a few home to eat tomorrow. I don't think anyone will mind since they probably don't sell the ones from the ground.


When I visited Seaview last week and looked at the lots there I got what I thought was cold feet. Everything seemed so perfect, but something about it wasn't right. Inside I felt such resistance, a strong desire to be free from owning land. I figured I was just nervous about finally settling down because it would be very permanant. Today I saw differently. When I was walking this road, I experienced a knowing. There was no doubt in my mind, this was where I belonged. I feel like my search is over. I can't settle now that I've been there. I'm going to call the real estate agent and get a formal showing of the land sometime this week. I don't know how I'm going to make this happen, but I can feel that it will. I found this land the very first day it was advertised, more than 3 months ago. I showed it to my mom then and told her it was my land. I knew it from the start.

I miss my family! This past week I've really felt incomplete without them. It makes me sad sometimes to be halfway around the world and not knowing when I'll ever see them again. People keep asking me how I do it. They think I must be crazy to attempt this all by myself. The truth is I'm happy I got to do it alone. This experience has been the greatest gift, but I'm feeling more ready lately to be part of a group again. I needed to experience some things by myself, to see who I was below it all without anyone to influence me, and I feel like I could explore that forever, but by being alone I've realized that there are so many things that I can only learn through interaction with others. As I become ready to experience the vulnerability of being with others I can feel myself attracting it. As much as I thought I wanted close friends before I can see now how I was pushing away from it. Everything happens when it should.

My two best friends

My Baby

He loves his hedgehog

We're a strange pair

Sisters

Goddess of life

Goddess of love and compassion

Motherly goddess of earth

The Goddesses

Dancing through life:)

Joey and me will be reunited soon

He can't wait to come to the tropics where he'll be warm!

My father, almighty!

The beginning of Cinder Road

Lava desert, so beautiful

The beautiful road where I'll live soon

It was heaven on earth

Sense the life here

Seaview- I guess you can see why I fell in love

The colors were so vibrant there

Mangoes growing down the road-can't wait till they're ripe!

The Healer Within

Yesterday I went into Hilo to shop for fruit for the week. While there I had the best eating experience of my life. A new variety of chocolate sapotes are coming into season (Mom, trust me, you would have no problem giving up real chocolate if you had some of these). The texture is thicker, like a doughy chocolate cake batter, and they are so rich and smooth. While sitting on a bench eating them I was so completely lost in the experience I forgot where I was. It was a meal of the sapotes and some organic soursops I got from a vendor who gave me a deal because they were "too ripe". It turns out they were falling apart, creamy white candy all over my hands:) I sat laughing while I ate them. I couldn't help it. The moment just seemed ridiculously amazing. I was also laughing about all the times people have told me that my diet must be boring or I must deprive myself to only eat fruit. I seriously did not know eating could be so pleasurable and I've never tasted food so good in my life. Fruitarianism is bliss!


After going through an intense period of sickness last week I felt compelled to dedicate myself to healing. I began to reread all my books on health and looked for more information anywhere I could find it. I especially looked within, to see what my body was truly asking for. I started by reading Arnold Ehrets "Rational Fasting". He mentioned the no breakfast plan which was also the title of a book I had read this winter. I think the book was written at leaast 100 years ago, and of course it's basic truths have since been covered up by the medical establishment. I will share a quick quote from the beginning of the book which I really liked:


"IF ANYBODY WOULD LIVE FROM CHILDHOOD, ON ABSOLUTLEY MUCUSLESS FOOD, AND FEED ON NOTHING BUT FRUIT, IT WOULD BE JUST AS CERTAIN THAT HE COULD GROW NEITHER OLD NOR SICK"


I also decided to reread David Klein's book, "Self Healing Colitis and Crohns", and I will share a short passage from there as well, an article by Dr. T.C. Fry and Dr. David Klein:

Understanding Disease

Disease, or "dis-ease," is what we feel when the body is in the process of detoxifying and healing itself. Disease is the body's intelligent response to abnormal or threatening influences. Disease is not something which invades our bodies from outside, nor is it something to be cured or stopped. In a manner of speaking, disease symptoms are a manifestation that the body is "curing" itself.


Disease is instituted by the body itself as an emergency measure to purify and repair itself. Modalities (treatments or therapies that involve drugs, herbs, manipulations or other infringements upon the vital domain) cannot possibly assist the body. On the contrary, they interfere with vital body purification and reparative functionsand normal body functions as well. Such interference poses additional problemsfor the body to cope with, thereby further lowering the body vitality. Body vitality may be lowered so much by the greater danger presented by the drugs or modalities that the original disease effort, which is actually an effort to purify the body, is discontinued in favor of devoting available energies to the more virulent enemy, the drugs within. That is why medical physicians are called "allopaths." That is why there is so much "iatrogenic disease," meaning disease caused by treatments.


"Allopath" literally means "opposite disease." In theory, allopathic doctors strive to displace the original disease by creating a heteropathic or opposite disease. Actually, all physicians succeed in doing is to create additional disease. The original problem remains while the body must redirect its energies partly or wholly to removing the more dangerous drugs, herbs, or so-called medicines. Thus, symptoms of the original disease disappear (or are suppressed and masked) because the necessary energy and vitality to further conduct the disease are now lacking. Yet, the body is in graver danger tha nbefore it was treated from both the uneliminated toxic accumulations and the added toxicity of drugs or other substances administered.


The best way to help the body in disease is to "intelligently do nothing" and simultaneously establish conditions of health that enable the body to devote all its vitality to the healing crisis. A thoroughgoing rest under tranquil circumstances constitutes a healing environment, for it permits full devotion of the body enrgies to the emergency task.


The body is always acting intelligently and correctly. The body is always acting appropriately based on the conditions with which it must contend. We can interfere with its operations, but we cannot possibly help it other than by furnishing the normal needs of life consonant with the existing body conditions.


In 1922, in his book "Toxemia Explained," John H. Tilden, M.D., wrote "All so-called diseases are merely the crises of toxemia and evolve from just one cause: toxemia." Dr. Tilden further wrote:


'It should be known to all discerning physicians that the earliest stage of disease is purely functional, evanescent and never autogenated so far as the affected organ is concerned, but is invariably due to an extraneous irritation (or stimulation if you please) augmented by toxemia. When the irritation is not continuous and toxin is eliminated as fast as developed to the toleration point, normal functioning is resumed between the intervals of irritation and toxin excess.


'For example: a simple coryza (running at the nose-cold in the head), gastritis or colonitis. At first these colds, cattarhs, or infammations are periodic and functional; but as exciting cause or causes (local irriation and toxemia) becomes more intense and continuous, the mucous membranes of these organs take on organic changes which are given various names such as irritation, infammation, ulceration, and cancer. The pathology (organic change) may be studied until doomsday without throwing any light on the cause, for from the first irritation to the extreme ending-cachexia- which may be given a blanket term "tuberculosis," "syphilis" or "cancer," the whole pathalogical panorama is one of contiunuous evolution of intensifying effects.'


The "seven stages of disease" nominated by Dr. Tilden are 1. enervation; 2. toxemia, or toxicosis; 3. irritation; 4. inflammation; 5. ulceration; 6. inuration;and 7. cancer. It is notable that in some cases even colon cancer has been overcome by making wholistic dietary and lifestyle changes- we obviously want to halt disease at stage one.


By stopping disease symptoms with medicines, a person suffers further toxification and enervation. Disease symptoms may subside with medicines because: 1. the medicine may be so enervating that the body is no longer able to continue with the detoxification process, or 2. the medicines may be so toxic that the body may shift its detoxification efforts to other areas of the body (resulting in new disease symptoms, commonly called "side effects.")


If a person with inflammatory bowel disease replaces the unhealthful dietary and lifestyle factors which lead to disease with healthful ones, the body will heal itself and ease will be restored."


I have been studying natural hygiene for quite a few years now, and after learning about the body and its infinite wisdom, I began to see all outside healing methods for what they were, as described in the article above. I hope reading it will help everyone, especially my family, to understand why, no matter how sick my body is, I will not be going to a conventional doctor or looking for any outside "cures". Learning about the magic of the body returns the faith to us which was our birthright, that we are self healing beings, and we don't need anyone, or anything to save us. In that there is much power.

I am doing my best to listen to my body and understand what it's trying to tell me. I am starting by allowing my body to rest in the mornings, rather than bombarding it with food. I have learned through reading, and now by observation, that the body is doing its strongest detoxification work in the the morning hours, and that is the worst time to halt its work with consumption of food. By skipping breakfast, I can literally feel my body healing in the morning, and I have been filled with more energy, and a sense of peace and ease in the mornings which was never there when I ate breakfast. When I do eat my first meal of the day, I feel that it really nourishes me, and it tastes so delicious. Unlike before, there is no pain when I eat, and my body tells me it is truly ready for food. I am also practicing with stopping eating early in the afternoon, around 2pm, so that my body has as much vital energy as possible to heal throughout the rest of the day and night. When ready, Arnold Ehret recommends the "one meal per day plan" for which you eat just one big midday meal, and have a 24 hour fast each day. For now, eating within a couple of hour period is a challenge enough for me, and the results are more impressive than I ever could have imagined. Of course, I am also following Dr. Klein's advice, to only eat ripe, sweet fruits, no acid fruits, peels, or vegetables at this time. This healing is very exciting for me. It's time.

Ask and it is given

The past couple of nights I've had a hard time sleeping. During the day I try to tell myself that not having a place to live in less than 2 weeks is ok, that it will work out. And even if it doesn't, what's the worst that can happen? Still, during the night my mind races, fear enveloping me. Usually I just try to be completely present with it, to feel the sensations and energies within me, and eventually I get back to sleep. I got my favorite book in the whole world at the library the other day,(by the way, this library is the size of a small town. I was in there, completely shocked and so excited to know that I have more books than I can ever read) "A Thousand Names For Joy" by my favorite author, Byron Katie. Everytime I read it, I begin to feel so at peace with absolutely everything in my life, and in the world. Every word she writes rings so true with my spirit, while at the same time, my mind makes no sense of it. The book is basically her interpretation of certain passages from the Tao Te Ching, and for all who don't know, Byron Katie was a very depressed woman, and much like Eckhart Tolle, she just woke up to the truth one day, and has lived in a state of love, bliss, and peace ever since. Her first book, "Loving What Is" really changed my life. It was as if through reading it I was able to give my mind permission to love everything as it was, while before I only denied it, thinking that I was a bad person for loving everything. I'm going to share a couple short passages that really spoke to me. I'd love if anyone would like to leave a comment to let me know what they think.


" Peace is our natural condition. Only by believing an untrue thought is it possible to move from peace into emotions like sadness and anger. Without the pull of beliefs, the mind stays serenely in itself and is available for whatever comes along.


Who would you be in people's presence without, for example, the story that anyone should care about you, ever? You would be love itself. When you believe the myth that people should care, you're too needy to care about people or about yourself. The experience of love can't come from anyone else; it can only come from inside you.


I was once walking in the desert with a man who began to have a stroke. We sat down, and he said, 'Oh my god, I'm dying. Do something!' He was talking through one side of his mouth because the other side had become paralyzed. What I did was just sit there beside him, loving him, looking into his eyes, knowing that we were miles from a phone or car. He said, 'You don't even care,do you?' I said, 'No.' And through his tears, he started to laugh, and I did, too. And eventually his faculties returned; the stroke had come to pass, not to stay. This is the power of love. I wouldn't leave him for a caring.


..." Some people think that compassion means feeling another person's suffering. That's nonsense. It's not possible to feel another person's pain. You imagine what you'd feel like if you were in that person's shoes, and you feel your own projection. Who would you be without your story? Pain-free, happy, and totally available if someone needs you- a listener, a teacher in the house, a Buddha in the house, the one who lives it. As long as you think there's a you and a me, let's get the bodies straight. What I love about separate bodies is that when you hurt, I don't-it's not my turn. And when I hurt, you don't. Can you be there for me without putting your own suffering between us? Your suffering can't show me the way. Suffering can only teach suffering.


The Buddhists say that it's important to recognize suffering in the world, and that's true, or course. But if you look more deeply, even that is a story. It's a story to say that there is any suffering in the world. Suffering is imagined, because we haven't adequately questioned our thoughts. I am able to be completely present with people in extreme states of torment without seeing their suffering as real. I'm in the position of being totally available to help them see what I see, if that's what they want. They're the only ones who can change, but I can be present, with kind words and the power of inquiry.


..." I've heard people say that they cling to their painful thoughts because they're afraid that without them they wouldn't be activists for peace. 'If I felt completely peaceful,' they say, 'why would I bother taking action at all?' My anwser is 'Because that's what love does.' To think that we need sadness or outrage to motivate us to do what's right is insane. As if the clearer and happier you get, the less kind you become. As if when someone finds freedom, she just sits around all day with drool running down her chin. My experience is the opposite. Love is action. It's clear, it's kind, it's effortless, and it's irresistable."



For many people, hearing Katie's words can make them become very defensive because for so long, maybe their entire lives, they thought they were the mind, the ego, and to question it, to truly see it, is to kill it. I remember the first time I read "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, I hated it, and I hated him. The book enraged me and I didn't understand why. My mind said "Look at what he's telling you to do, to do nothing, have nothing, be nothing. What a life of boredom, depression, and lack." I just felt so uncomfortable, because deep down I knew that everything he was saying was true, but that was the first time in my life I had questioned my mind. It took a couple years before I was ready to read his books again, and throughout that time I thought of what he had said so often. I felt as though it had plagued me with unhappiness sometimes because I knew that the answers weren't in a new place to live, a better life, more money, good food, friends, etc. A part of me knew, without a doubt, that everything I was seeking was within.


I discovered something very powerful a couple of weeks ago. I wrote about it in my journal, but I wasn't ready to share it because I feared judgement, but I don't now. I was sitting at a bus station, and a woman sitting next to me, who I think was on drugs, began to scream and cry about her pain and misery and how she wanted to kill herself. She had an abusive boyfriend who was fighting with her. As I saw this happening I became filled with so much love. It was the most amazing feeling, like I was filled with light. All I wanted to do was love this woman and this man, and to my mind this seemed very ridiculous. My mind said "How can you feel so good when these people are suffering?" All I knew was that this love was the most unconditional, beautiful thing, and I felt like it could heal the whole world. A bus came, and the the couple got out of their seats to board it. The woman smiled and handed me a flower. Deep down I think she felt it too.


Today I woke up feeling like I was going to find a solution to my living situation. I have been meditating in the mornings again(I took a few days off because of the fear.) Inside I was feeling more at peace, and my faith was strong. I really felt like this struggle was a gift. I got into town and talked to my family and looked for a place to live. I didn't find anything too great, and most of the possible places were already taken. When I got off the bus I walked home in the sunshine, and I still felt within me that everything was going to be ok. I ran into Janelle(the owner of the farm where I'm staying) and I asked her if it would be possible for me to stay another month. It turns out that there is another open month, and she said I could stay. I was so relieved I felt like dancing home.


This means that now I have over a month to find my land. I can tell it's going to happen soon. I've taken this faith and planted lots of fruit trees to take to my new home. I keep talking to people about Kalapana Seaview and hearing nothing but good news. I wrote to a realtor today to see if I can schedule a viewing of some lots there. I'm so excited. I look at this life, and watch as everything I could ever dream of becomes real. I'm so happy right now.