The Long Walk

I just got back from a 14 day, 500 kilometre walk to Prince Edward Island. I want to write about it now, while it's still fresh in my mind, as I can already feel parts of it slipping away from me. I had planned on walking all the way back as well, but became very sick from what I'm assuming was a bad water source.

I guess I will start by sharing some of my journal entries from the trip, since that will paint the clearest picture of what my day's were like. A lot of it isn't pretty. I faced parts of myself which I didn't want to face, and days of this journey were some of the most difficult I have lived through. But here it is, the beautiful and the ugly, my experience on the road.

August 6 
Tomorrow I leave for my grand adventure...Why am I going? I'm not even sure. My desire to get over Chris is a big part of it. I've sat in this house for a month, grieving and losing myself to the darkness of living without someone who I loved so very much. It's time I move on. It's time I face so many things within myself. I'm utterly lost and I feel like my feet aren't even on the ground anymore. I need to know myself and become silent and listen to everything this mind has to say. 

I know this will be hard, but I'm harder. I can do this.This is one of the most extreme things I've ever put myself through. Last night I cried so hard I could barely breathe, my wails shaking the house. I cried for Chris. I cried because I knew that at this point my options were to take this walk or commit myself to a psych ward. I cried because I was scared and wanted to hide in my warm bed indefinitely, but knew that it was no longer an option. I cried because I didn't feel ready for this pilgrimage, but knew its time had come anyway. I just cried. 

August 7
It's somewhat terrifying to be without distractions. I don't know how this month should go. I'm doing this because I want to heal, from Chris, but really, from so much more. I'm afraid of where my mind goes. Afraid that if I let it run free I will become paralyzed by everything which is broken in me. 


27 kms...my feet can move no more. I found a clearing in the woods, but I'm being eaten alive by mosquitos. I know I need to surrender to it because there is no way to change the situation. I feel happy. It's just in this moment, but for once, just living is enough. I feel whole. 


I'm already unbelievably lonely. I want to scream about everything that hurts in my heart and I want someone there to hug me and say "shhh, it's gonna be ok." And I want them to do that over and over. It feels like all I want or will ever want, but what hurts most is that I know that's a lie. There is no end to the wanting. 


I wonder if it's my fault it fell apart, for all the things I never said. I don't think he ever knew that every time I looked at him the world stopped and I filled with light. The sun is setting now. I want to scream. I want to feel his arms around me. But there's a part of me that's quiet, that sees the soft glow of the sunlight filtering through the trees and is taken away by it. I want to know only the quiet. 



August 8
This is the furthest I have ever walked in a day. It makes me wonder where our limits are. I think walking like this heals a person in different ways than one would imagine. I don't know what it is doing for me, but I already feel different. I keep having long stretches of time go by where I'm actually content. Not for any reason. It's just simple and whole. 


So many men have been stopping to offer me rides. Sometimes, the soft vulnerable part of me wants to hop in their trucks and forget about everything I'm out here to do. I've made a pact with myself not to associate with men(or anyone else really) on this trip. I'm not used to turning down rides. I'm not used to relying on my own two feet to take me where I want to go, but for now that is how it must be. 


I walked too far today. In the end it was raining heavily and I was limping like a 90 year old hunchback. I was in so much pain, and realizing that no amount would stop me, I knew I had to make camp. I feel rotten. I know I pushed it too far today. I want to stop. Like really fucking want to stop. I want to go home and cry. I know I won't, not yet, but I'm very close. 


I'm sitting in front of the ocean now. There are loons and I hear the waves. I feel like I am nothing but sorrow. So much pain inside. I want to cry forever, but the tears are stuck. Rainy days are hard. I know this is the part of myself I wanted to get in touch with. This is the dark place I didn't want to go. It seems to have no end. 


What if I can't walk tomorrow? Every movement hurts. My shoulders are badly burned and my hips are bruised and aching. My collarbones and rubbed raw from the straps of my pack and my feet are blistered. My head aches from too much sun. My calves are on fire. The backs of my knees feel like guitar strings pulled so tightly they are about to snap. 42 kms today.


August 9
I miss my father and mother today, so much I don't have words for it. More than ever in my life. I'm afraid I will lose them. I sat this morning, my first time in a town since beginning my walk, with my feet propped up, watching the people around me. I was absolutely engrossed in observing them. I watched as a young father fed his baby sons watermelon, giggling in their faces as his wife rushed around, yelling at him for wasting time and being silly. I watched as a mother pushed a grocery cart around with her teenaged son and daughter, who were laughing together, so happy to shop with their mom. The mother raced on, annoyed by their childishness. Tears started to roll down my cheeks. They're missing it, I thought, they're missing everything. And I knew it was not only them, but everyone else, including myself. We race through life, on some sort of crazy mission and we're blind to the beauty and love that is surrounding us. It seemed like one of the most enraging, ridiculous things I had ever observed, but it was true, and it made me sad to my core. 

August 10
I think I'm beginning to understand what walking is doing for me. I thought getting out here, with no distractions, would leave me so vulnerable I would have to deal with all of my problems. I imagined many break downs. But what is happening is that I'm realizing that I don't even have problems. When I'm walking there is only this. My whole life is so immediate that there is no room for past or future. Everything is subtle, but it impacts me so deeply. I'm starting to see so many things I'd never noticed before, or if I had, I had completely taken for granted. Living so simply is making me appreciate life so much more. While walking today, I stopped in Annapolis to eat some rice. I felt so absolutely thrilled to be both sitting down, without foot pain, and eating at the same time. It felt like more pleasure than I could contain. How did I miss all this before?

August 12
A couple nights ago I slept in an abandoned building. I believe it was haunted. I knew it when I got there, and didn't listen to my intuition which told me to leave. It was a full moon that night. I didn't sleep. I had a very high fever and started to hallucinate. I remember screaming, "I'm losing my mind!" and then replying back to myself, "It's ok, lose it. Let go!" In my delusion I saw my mother and one of her ex boyfriends who she had told me she was never able to really love. I started crying and asking why I didn't get with a man that I couldn't love. Why did I have to give myself so completely to a man who threw me away? 
It was one of the hardest nights of my life. I kept thinking I wouldn't get through it, but I forced myself to take it one minute at a time. In the morning I felt hushed by the experience, and walked for a few hours chanting Hare Krishna (I have no idea why. I guess at this point I was missing having my music to comfort me and Krishna Das was what I would always listen to when I became very lonely or scared.) and drumming on my empty plastic water bottle.

August 13
Today marks one week on the road...A little while ago I took off my pack to walk into the woods to pee. As I was walking back I felt so weightless and the sun on my skin brought me to a different state of consciousness. I was giggling and high. Sungasm.


I've spent the past week walking all the roads on which I spent my childhood, passing houses I've lived in, schools I've attended, towns I can remember from my earliest memories. Now I'm walking into the unknown. It's good to be moving on.


I find it kind of sad that I'm already daydreaming of getting back home. Why did I do this?I guess I thought it would give me a different perspective on my life. I think it has, but I'm afriad that things will go back to how they were before, shortly after I get back. How does a person truly change? My life is always changing, but underneath, old patterns and beliefs feel like they're glued to me. I don't know how I will ever become someone else or if I need to.


Restless tonight. I'm sitting here, bored, lonely, hungry, sad, and I'm getting eaten alive by mosquitos. I can't help but ask why. But when I do, my entire life seems so empty. If I find no meaning in this, and certainly no meaning in living a life of comforts, then what? The purpose I felt in loving Chris was so fragile, because it depended on him being there, and being who I needed him to be. If he strayed from that I lost it. He didn't deserve that. No one does. It doesn't seem right for one's sense of well being to depend on someone else. I want to find meaning. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to know a love that is completely unconditional. 

August 14
Well past the halfway point now. The desire to turn around still comes into my mind from time to time, but I immediately shove it out. I am powerful. I can do this. Nothing can stop me.

August 15
I don't want to be one of those people who is blind. I want to always see what I have and take none of it for granted. I walked, for hours today in the pouring rain, singing at the top of my lungs, feeling no pain. I was walking with God's energy in my legs and I was weightless. All of these beautiful moments have been revealed to me through my intense resistance and suffering. This walk has tested me more than anything ever has and its far from over. I'm so grateful for it even though most of the time it infuriates me. 


My appetite is gone today. It worries me that I don't even care to eat anymore. I don't care about seeing PEI. I don't even care enough to make camp in a safe place tonight. I hope my mood picks up tomorrow. I promised myself I wouldn't make the decision to quit today because I'm sick and wet and really low. I just want to be with my family. I miss feeling safe. I'm always needing to look out for my safety on this trip and its draining me. I want to jump into the soft nest of my bed and never leave it. 


Yesterday I was amazed that I was 8 days in. It had gone by so quickly. I felt sure of myself. Today, 9 days seems like all my life. Did I ever do anything but this? I can't rightly remember my old life. The thought of the days ahead sends waves of dread through me. I just want to be home. 

August 16
Days are rolling together now. I feel lost and like I've been out here for an eternity. I'm lonely and so very tired. I'm feel I'm at the end of my rope. I'm afraid I can't do this anymore. I want to finish and I will keep trying, but I'm scared. It has only been two bad days, but I forget what it was like to feel positive and good about this. Maybe it's just the rain.


I'm sick today, with a headache. I had to force myself to eat, even breakfast, the one meal I'm usually ravenous for. I made oatmeal, but couldn't even finish it, too nauseated to take another bite. Later I made noodles, but couldn't eat them either. I am so weak it scares me. I have this feeling I might die and never see my family again. 

I was walking today and saw a dead crow on the side of the road and it reminded me of the one my Dad found in a dumpster and gave to me to heal. I was 19 years old and at the height of my anorexia. I had pretty much given up hope. I was at the time eating three apples a day, nothing more, nothing less. I exercised for as many hours as I could keep from collapsing and I started to dabble more heavily in drugs. Around the same time as I got the bird, my Dad bought me my first car. I remember overdosing on his anxiety meds before getting the car and almost driving it off the road. I went back to his house, took more pills and lost my memory for 3 days. It was more than the medication. My body was so wasted it just couldn't function anymore. Chilufya said I was mumbling about nonsense and she stayed by my bed at night, afraid I would die. 

I took the bird back to my mother's house and formed a close bond with him. He was very sick and diseased. I felt close to him, like he understood me. He looked so deeply into my eyes sometimes, I felt like he knew what was inside me. I talked to him. I had alienated myself from my family, convinced they couldn't help my pain and being close to them would only hurt more. So I told this bird everything I couldn't say to anyone else. I fed him the tomatoes from my garden which I couldn't allow myself to eat. Eventually he stopped eating too. "No, you can't do this too," I would cry to him. "You need to live." But he didn't. I woke up one morning and my mother said he had just plopped over dead. My anorexia had made me cold and numb, and I said it was ok, but his death haunted me. 

I remember looking into the mirror that day. It was the first time I had seen the wreck that anorexia had made of me. My cheeks were sunken under eyes whose pupils were so dilated you could barely see the blue of them. My spine and rib cage stood out, as if separate from me. My legs I noticed most of all. They looked like doll's legs. Straight and narrow and leading up to an ass which had become nonexistent. My expression was flat and I looked so empty. I wanted to cry. I wanted someone to make me stop. Everyone around me was dying without control and I was taking my life away. But I didn't stop. Within minutes, thoughts of success and losing another pound came into my mind, and I was once more possessed by the demon that almost killed me. 

I think about that today because I feel like maybe that demon never left and this walk is just another manifestation of it. I hurt so badly and want to stop, but a loud voice in my head tells me I need to succeed. The human mind is a funny thing. I will never understand it. 

August 17
Last night was one of the scariest of my life. After I stopped writing, my headache grew into a migraine and I began to throw up. I became very cold and the pain had me out of my mind. I would lie down until the need to puke would arise again, and when I would rise, I would call out in my delirium, "mom, where are you?I'm so cold." Finished hurling, I would fall back into my sleeping bag, sobbing and soaking it with my tears, crying "I don't want to die here." In one of my moments of clarity, I vowed I would hitchhike home in the morning, if I survived. But soon there were no more moments of clarity. The pain grew to where I could not move, could not speak. I just lied there as the pain became a vibration which I watched in the air, spikes of blue and yellow eventually lulling me into a soft sleep. When I woke up again, I was very weak, but ok. I decided to keep hiking since I was only days from PEI, but promised I would stop if I got worse.

I still have a fever today and I'm very afraid of getting sicker. I am almost unable to eat at all now. I cook for myself, but when I see the food, my stomach turns and I am unable to eat it. I'm hiking the big miles now, trying to get to PEI as soon as I can, but I'm growing very weak without consuming enough food to fuel my legs. 

August 18
Today I woke up with my stomach cramping. I was so weak I could barely pack up my camp. I walked very slowly, but with determination, in the light rain. I'm trying to put the past behind me. I'm strong, stronger than any obstacle the road can place before me. 


This walk has been so different than I imagined. The biggest lesson I have learned is to take nothing for granted, but most  especially family. Treat them as the greatest gift you will ever have, because they are. Throw away everything for them. Love them fiercely. 

August 19
Very long day! Walked for what seemed like forever, but was actually about 40kms. I'm only about 25kms from the ferry to PEI now! I got lost so many times today on these nameless dirt roads, which I'm learning are a rather indirect route. But they are all I have, so I go on. 


I feel close to tears. Just as I was almost done walking today, a man stopped to give me directions and offered me a dry place to sleep, as well as a tent if I wanted it. I declined, feeling unsteady in my decision. I'm not even sure why I said no. Everything I own is wet and it would be so nice to dry off. Plus I really need a tent. While talking to him, I thought about myself, and what this trip was about. When I left 2 weeks ago, I decided this time wouldn't be like all the others. I wasn't going to rely on people to give me rides, food, shelter. I wasn't even going to allow myself to enjoy in their company. This was my journey of independence. So as lonely and lost as I feel, I know that being alone is what I need right now.


Stomach is sick and cramping today. Had to force down food, but couldn't eat nearly enough. Realizing now that I probably will not have the energy to walk back home after this. 


I feel so very soft and vulnerable today. This walk hasn't made me hard, but very, very soft. I don't want to be alone anymore. Sometimes admitting weakness is the greatest strength. I have spent my whole life trying to prove myself, becoming tougher and tougher, but that is not strength. I want to open to my feminine wisdom and get out of this stubborn need to fight and conquer. I think that's what I came out here to learn, and I didn't know it until right now.

I want to fall down and not fight to get back up. I want to break and crumble and fall apart. I want to own my shyness and my softness and my weakness. That's bravery. That's strength. Not this. 


That was the last day I wrote in my journal. The next morning I woke up very early and pushed my ailing body to walk the remaining 25kms to the ferry to PEI. I was so sick and weak I knew I did not have the energy to even walk around and explore PEI, so I stayed on the boat. When it docked, I sat in the sunshine, watching the seagulls flying around a lighthouse, marvelling at the beauty of the place I had come so far to see. In that moment I knew I would walk no more. I was at peace with the fact, and I was ready to go home.

Back in Nova Scotia, I got a ride with a band who had performed on the boat. I got many rides that day, hitching half of the distance I had walked in those weeks, in only a few hours. The next morning I walked a 10km stretch of road to my Dad's house, where I sit now, reflecting on my walk, and allowing my swollen feet to rest and heal.

In the end, I don't have a precise answer as to what this walk did for me. I feel stronger now, in body, but also in my heart. I feel as if I'll be ok alone, and also so much more grateful for every moment I spend with the people I love.

On my last day walking I thought about the fact that I may never find peace. That I might walk and struggle and fight for all my life, and maybe the best I can do is to just allow that. To stop trying to be ok. To love where I am and who I am. I feel closer to embracing my identity as no one, not needing to have or be anyone to feel complete. Not needing to compete with anyone. Somehow, after all this, I feel more me. More lost and confused and unsure, but home in that. Home in myself.