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Purgatory-  The place between heaven and hell where a soul's ultimate fate is decided.

I've been in Massachusetts for over a week, but time has been passing in a very unusual way. Days are all blending together and I often feel like I'm not really here at all. A few days ago I decided that I was going back to Nova Scotia. After over 8 months on the road I'm going back to where I started. I think I need some time to get back on track with my dreams. It wasn't what I wanted to do. I didn't and still don't want to leave Jaden, but right now we don't have many other options. This doesn't have to be for good. We just need some time to get our lives in order.  Jaden is going back to Seattle, and I'm lucky enough that my parents are going to let me come home for a little while while I figure out what to do with my life. 

The thought of leaving Jaden is more than I can bear so I don't really let myself think about it. Knowing that this is all going to come to an end very soon gives me a chance to appreciate what I have. Sometimes I'm just here, living every moment, seeing every little thing and feeling life so deeply. In those times I don't really think about the past or the future. Life passes by like a roll of film, clip after clip, each one feels like the only one, like that's all there is in life. And then there's another and another and it never stops when there's no time. There's always just this and it's always enough. 

But of course time always comes back to me and I lose myself in it. I remember that soon I'll be leaving, and I think of the past, of everything that I'm walking away from. And that hurts. Time always does. 

The photos below are from our visit to Purgatory Chasm yesterday. I feel like I'm entering into a life of purgatory right now, with no choice but to accept it as a child accepts the conditions of the world. I had a dream yesterday morning that I died. I was in a room, holding Jaden's hand, and I was drowning. There was no water, but I could feel my lungs filling with it, pain expanding throughout my chest, time running out. There was nothing I could do to stop it, nowhere to go, so I let it have me. Moment by moment I felt my life slipping away, my whole body clenching so tightly. Then all at once, everything stopped. It felt like a million pounds had been lifted from me. There was nothing anymore, not even me, yet still I was there, experiencing life. It was so expansive, everything and nothing all at once and peace was all I knew. Then I woke up and felt all the resistance within myself once again. That is where all the suffering of the world lies. As long as I don't resist this journey or have expectations of how it should be, there is no suffering. It's exactly as it should be.  

Entering Purgatory

Mica on the forest floor

Jaden and his Sassafras Tree

Peaceful Forest Elf <3 td="td">

Leaf Mushroom

LOVE

Living The Unknown

FLORIDA 

As soon as we got into the airport in Fort Lauderdale, the air was hot and humid, palm trees lining the streets. We were back in the tropics and it felt so good. It was like Hawaii, but the energy was the opposite. Instead of Pele breathing fire through my soul, forcing me to face my demons, Florida held and nurtured me. I felt like I was a little baby again and that I was very safe. We did spend some time in big cities where the energy wasn't quite as soothing as the country, but overall, Florida was heaven to me. In Homestead, everywhere you went you'd find locally grown tropical fruit for sale. I had the best mamey sapote there of my life. I also got to have some sugar apple(annona family) and soursop. We didn't have much money, so we lived at a free campsite out in the middle of nowhere. We slept near a lake which was filled with alligators, vultures flying all around. It was incredibly beautiful.

 Later in the week we went to check out some of the land I had found online earlier in the year. It was even better than I expected. So as much as everything was feeling a bit crazy with us running out of money, and not having a place to live or a car(our rental car needed to be returned at the end of the week) my hopes were high. Being back in the tropics was very soothing to my body as well. The color was coming back to my skin, and the toxins from living in the city were coming out. Every day I was feeling more alive. But Jaden didn't love it like I did. By the end of the week he was ready to leave. That put me in a very difficult position. I had to make a choice, either stay in the place I had dreamed of, get my land and start my food forest, or be with the man I love. The decision seems easy enough, but adding to it was the fact that Jaden wanted to go back to Seattle, his home and comfort, my hell and cage. It isn't that Seattle is a bad city, but it's a city, and to me that is a place to watch yourself die, not to live. I was ready to follow him back there though. Last minute he decided to visit his family in Massachusetts instead. I decided to go too.

Leaving Florida felt like being ripped from where I belonged. The last day there we were on the east coast, in Pompano Beach, and it was very windy. For me a warm tropical breeze on a sunny day is like being in the arms of God. I let the wind flood through me, washing away everything that hurt as I prepared myself to leave.

Jaden just before leaving for Florida

Campsite at dawn

Alligator lake near our tent

Watermelon Man

The Swamp where we lived.

Coming back to life:)

Alligator swimming toward us. 

In Naples City

Jaden at Naples Beach

Me in Naples

Chocolate Sapote tree in Homestead

Sapodilla Tree

Mamey Sapotes for sale:)

Sugar Apple

Jaden with Soursop

Fruit and Spice park display

Samples at Fruit and Spice Park

Sunset at our camp

MASSACHUSETTS 

Life is never what you expect it to be, and holding onto expectations causes pain. I'm getting to see that more than ever now. Every day I look at my life and see how my dreams seem to be slipping further away, and I have a choice to either allow myself to go with the flow, or to be in despair. The easy choice is to live in pity, thinking that you deserve better. The choice to live your life, the life you're in right now, without resisting it, that is very difficult, but the more you do, the more it will bring you peace. I'm not saying I made the right choice, or that I should just settle for a life that is drifting further and further from the one I have always wanted. But as long as I'm here, living the choices I made, I might as well make the best of it. It's not so bad here. I have been eating durian and persimmons, walking through beautiful parks where the autumn leaves are at their peak. I'm with Jaden, even if I'm not where I want to be. There are many things to be grateful for.

The park where we went today(photo from the internet since I forgot my camera)

My life is so unknown right now. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow. I do know that if I stay strong and have faith, there is nothing that can stop me from my dreams. Every place I end up, it is always right, even if it isn't what I expect. If there is a time for me to leave, I will know it because I will be gone. Right now I have the opportunity to be truly free, to learn from the wind that there is nothing to resist.

Durian Day

Yesterday was filled with more durian than I could ever imagine eating. We shared it with all the other durian lovers we knew. We got to spend some time in my favorite park in Seattle which was very good for me. Not much for me to say, the photos speak for themselves. 

Life is so amazing!

Jackfruit!

Oh My God, my first Vietnamese durian-BEST in the world!!!!

Durian Bliss:)

Thank god my boyfriend loves durian almost as much as I do!

Autumn Sun God

Glowing Mica-by Jaden

Beautiful salad made by Johnathan and Gina