Foraging and the Fruit of Hawaii

Mamey Sapote(sweet potato pie fruit), soursop, and heirloom tomatoes(the yellow ones are called banana legs) All fruit is certified organic and grown right on the farm where I live.

Organic non GMO papaya grown outside my door

This papaya was so sweet and smooth, almost creamy. Now one of my very favorite fruits!

Before I got to Hawaii I had picked some of my own food. Foraging for apples on crisp autumn days, picking grapes on the trellis over our house, wild blueberries in the fields, and of course whatever grew in the gardens, but I can't compare it to the experiences I''ve had here. There's something about going into the humid jungle, picking mangoes off the ground, and eating them as juice drips all over me, that feels so natural and right, like I was meant to be doing it. Instinct takes over.

A couple months ago I was feeling a little let down about the mangoes here. When I came in the winter I saw the giant trees, hundreds of them, and I thought to myself of the feasts I would have when they were fruiting. But then people kept telling me, "oh, those are only common mangoes. They're alright picked green for pickles, but you wouldn't want to eat them." Mangoes in the market were more expensive than any I had seen in my life. In Mexico I was paying about 5 cents per mango, of the best I had ever eaten. Here you can easily pat $5 for a mango, and no, I don't know if they're good because I never bought one. I did buy a few that were $2/pound which were good, but to me that is still very expensive.

When I went to the beach and hot pond a couple weeks ago I saw a few mangoes on the ground, and I knew it must be the season. I picked up one to taste, and it was then I knew that all the people that told me these mangoes were no good had either never tasted them, or were out of their minds. I've never had a fruit so fulfilling, so rich. It was like it had the flavours of every one of the best fruits I had ever eaten. Even hints of durian I tasted. I began searching for more trees and found more fruit than I could eat. It felt so right to be under these giant trees, eating to my stomach's content. I had never had such amazing food, food which I felt was truly nourishing me. I could taste all the vitamins and minerals, and these mangoes made me feel so content and completely fulfilled. For those of you living up north, you know that feeling when you eat a meal of berries, or bananas, or whatever it is, that has been shipped across the world to you, and it's like you're full, but there is something missing, something your body is still asking for? I used to get that feeling quite often when I was living off of old dates, irradiated mangoes, and pesticide covered apples that had been in storage for 6 months. Here I rarely have that experience, and especially with wild foraged food, my body is completely taken care of.

Now, don't decide to come here thinking you can forage for all your food, all the time. I was always imagining a paradise like that too, and maybe it exists, but as long as I've been here, I haven't found as much wild fruit as I would like to have. There are often avocados growing on the roadside all over the place. I have found an abandoned citrus orchard, and guavas, yes, you can find them everywhere at most times of the year. If any of you like to eat noni( the fruit that smells like rotten cheese and sweat, and tastes pretty much like it smells, but with hints of spicy pepper and garlic) there are always abundant amounts to be had. And of course, during mango season there are some to be gathered. The first day I had them there were a lot, more than I could eat or carry home, but when I went again yesterday there were almost none. I imagine there are plenty of people who go searching for them since they seem to be a highly esteemed food in Hawaii. I'm sure there is other free fruit here, and the longer I'm here the more I will find. I'm very grateful for what I have found. It's like one of my biggest dreams can now be ticked off my list. You don't know how many winters I've sat in the cold, dark house, eating old, dry, terrible fruits, dreaming of being in the sunshine, eating tropical fruits from the trees. I'm very blessed.

I know you fruit lovers want to know everything about finding fruit to eat here. I can remember when I would look out the window at the snow outside, and spend hours on the computer, reading about other fruitarian's experiences in tropical countries. I wanted to hear of all the fruits I had never tasted, and learn how to live in these places with little money so I too could reap the bounties of the tropics. I have tried a lot of new fruits since being here, and found so many that are new favorites. It is lychee season right now, and while I had tried them in Canada, and actually disliked them very much, they tasted nothing like the ones I have had in Hawaii. These fruits are like sweet, tangy, perfumed nectar, so divine that they put a smile on your face every time that you eat them. I think my favorite new fruit I've had here is rollinia. I don't know how to describe it so that you'll know how amazing it is. It is sort of like cherimoya, but much better in my opinion. It is very creamy, truly like a thick pudding. It tastes very sweet, a little like lemon merigue pie, and to me, like fresh homemade yogurt.

Fruit isn't that cheap here, not most of it anyway. I could easily spend $20 or more each day on fruit, but I try to keep it down to less than $10. The papayas here are absolutely amazing, and dirt cheap, sometimes as low as 10 for $1, but these are not organic, and most likely GMO. Until I can grow my own, I am making do with these. My body responds very well to them, and I can eat up to 20 each day without having to break my bank account. I had an organic, non GMO one from the farm that I live yesterday. It cost me over $3, the same price I could get up to 30 fruits for at the market, but it was of much better quality. It was probably one of the most delicious things I have ever eaten. Papayas are one of my very favorite fruits, and I am forever grateful that I am able to get them in abundance here. If you have very little cash and want to live here, enjoying the fresh, vibrant fruits which grow on this island, you can get on foodstamps very easily, and I hear we have the highest benefits in the US. That is probably because non foods(like grains, beans, and processed things) are very expensive since they need to be shipped in. Also, if you buy fruit in the grocery store you can easily spend $60-$100/day on one person! But luckily foodstamps can be used at the Hilo Farmers Market and you will easily get by with the amount they give you. 

I hope that gives everyone a better picture of the fruit situation here on the Big Island of Hawaii. If there's anything else you'd like to hear about, leave me a comment and I'll make another post about it. As much as I researched before I got here, I feel that the only way to really know what it's like is to come here yourself. There are many things that aren't as wonderful as I had expected, but many more beautiful, amazing things which have truly blown me away. This is an island that seems to have something for everyone. If you'd like to visit feel free to write me, and I can provide you with any info I have about places to stay, and the best sources of fruit that I've found. Aloha!

Change

Everything is beginning to change again. I've been staying at this beautiful farm for almost 3 months now, and I've grown to love it here. I woke up this morning to find this tiny rollinia, that my neighbor, Jim, left for me. Once a week or so he brings me a rollinia because he knows how much I love them, and it always makes me feel so blessed. It's been so amazing to watch everything around me change over these months. I've spent so much time just sitting in the grass, watching the fruit trees, as they've gone from blossom to ripe fruit, the tiny little chicks which were born when I arrived are looking like full grown chickens already, many people have come and gone, the seasons have changed, I've changed. The first day I arrived here I saw the words over my door, "Know Thyself," and I knew that was why I was here. I have spent more time alone, in complete silence here than I ever have in my life. I've had time to ponder everything of existence, and I've discovered so many important things about myself.

One of the most profound things I've learned about myself is that I want to be part of a big family/community/tribe, and I have no desire to be independent. I thought I might want to live on my own, at least for some time, but that time is passing for me. Independence is a ridiculous concept if you really think about it. Sure, we should be able to take care of ourselves if the need arises, but we were meant to be part of big families and tribes, where interdependence is key. Everyone looking after one another, each person doing what they are good at or enjoy doing. In this world today, people are forced to take on so many roles that they lose their identity. We try to be independent before we have even allowed ourselves to be dependent (because that spells weakness, suppossedly). We can't focus on what we love doing because we need to do everything. It's not necessary to be good at everything. We're all just part of a bigger whole, and it's our journey to find our place in it.

So, where will I end up after I leave this farm? I honestly don't know yet. I've been searching for another affordable place to live for a long time now, but I haven't found anything yet. I am nervous, and at first I was angry with myself for feeling that way, thinking I should be brave, but I realized that was useless. I shouldn't be brave about it because I'm not, and resisting the fear was what truly hurt. I might rent a room in Hilo since they are cheaper there, and I would have internet usage, and be near to the market. I know, it's a city, and I swore I would never live in the city, but it would be short term, just until I find my land. Or I might find another place in the jungle within the next 2 weeks. I might even end up on Kauai.

You can sort of see my new moon goddess necklace from my mom

I'm working on making a lot of jewelry which I'm going to sell on the streets of Hilo. If I can even sell one piece each day that will pay for rent. I just need to get by until I have my land and can start growing food. I got a ride into town today with a man who just bought a farm here with his wife. He told me a bit about real estate and farming here, and said that I'll surely find my land soon. He said he can even provide me with plant starts once I'm ready.

I've been researching land here in Puna for well over a year now, and since being in Hawaii I have seen a lot of properties. I made an offer on a small cabin on an acre, but didn't get it, but there are many more places I'd like to see. I'm still trying to decide on a couple of things. I could get a large 3 acre parcel in Orchidland for the same price as 1 acre in Paradise Park, but in Paradise Park, I'd be right on the coast, maybe even a five minute walk to the ocean. It would be a lot sunnier there, and a lot warmer. In Orchidland, winters are chilly, a lot of people have a little wood stove, and it rains pretty much all the time. But I would have 3 acres. The thought of that makes me feel so excited. I could do so much with 3 acres. I could start my durian farm, and grow so much fruit, enough to feed all my friends and family, and that is my ultimate dream. Next week I'm going to look at some properties in both communities, and I'll update with what I find.

This is the first summer of my life where I haven't been gardening. It feels very strange, and I spend so much time thinking about growing things. Every time I see someone gardening, or pass by properties that I've been watching turn from bare land, to thriving gardens, with small fruit trees growing, my heart lights up. My path is clear to me. Growing a food forest is next on my list. Caring for the land and growing food just seems so fulfilling to me. Last year, every time I was really depressed I would go out to my little garden in the yard, and just sit there, marvelling at how the little tomato plants were growing, and I always felt more calm. My life feels unstable at the moment, but soon I will have many gardens, and I will watch the durian trees grow, working with the land, and being truly at home.

3 Months in Hawaii





I can't believe I've been here for over 3 months now. Although, when I think about it, I can hardly imagine what life was like before I got here. When I think of my life back in Canada all I can remember is cold, cloudy days, and an empty life. I've experienced so much here and I want to share with everyone a short review of what I have learned of the Big Island.

I came here quite afraid. Most people told me I was crazy to try and make it on my own here, that it would be dangerous, and I believed them, but I had waited long enough for someone to look after me. I knew it was my time. Even once I got here people were always telling me "watch out. You're a young girl and there are a lot of bad people here." I was told of the drug dealers and of murders and crimes, and almost everyone had some story to tell of people being unkind, especially of locals treating foreigners like dirt. I thought it was strange that I hadn't experienced or even seen any of what these people were talking about, but I cautiously waited for something that as yet, has never come. I have met so many people here, every day someone new, and except for one bad hitchhiking experience, I have found only kindness here, more than I have ever found in Nova Scotia. Most people are eager to help you out, and I have found most locals to be very kind. If you respect and love the people, they will show you the same. There's something about the culture here that just makes you feel like family with almost everyone.

Weather in Puna changes a lot throughout the year, but I have now gotten a chance to be here for almost all of the seasons. Winter is very rainy, pouring for a good part of pretty much everyday. Of course, I heard this before I came, and I really didn't like the sound of living someplace where it would be raining all day for months and months, but it really isn't like that. It will pour, sometimes for a few hours, but pretty much everyday there are hours of warm, bright sun. Spring has been lovely. The temperature has been rising a little(It is always pleasantly warm here, just a few degrees hotter in the summer months) and the rain has cut way back to mostly just at night, with a few brief showers during the morning and evening. Soon it will be getting hot, especially here on the coast, but I love every season. The rain isn't like how it was in the East. There it made the days feel damp and dreary. Here, when it rains, it is like a celebration of life. I am often caught out in the rain on my long walks home, and a lot of times I get soaked to the skin, but it usually feels good, and it's not a bother if I know I can dry off and curl up in my warm bed when I get home.

FRUIT, one of the biggest reasons I moved to the tropics. In Canada fruit was expensive and hard to get any variety, but the main problem I had with it was quality. I would spend huge amounts of money on fruit that ended up rotting before it ripened, or that had no flavour at all, except for maybe some chemical residues. It felt like dead food, and a lot of it was, since it was irradiated before it was shipped halfway around the world to me. Most of it didn't make me feel vibrant, but when I had a good mango, or some other piece of high quality fruit, my body very much knew the difference, and I knew that if I wanted to stay fruitarian, I would need to go where my food grew. Here I am able to eat 100% local if I want to. I choose to eat some dates from California right now, and frozen durian as a treat every so often, but most everything I eat is grown very close to where I live, a lot if it right outside my door. I am able to eat a huge amount of organic food, where before that was never an option. The fruit here is alive, and delicious! You can't compare it to what was available up north.

Pineapples, bananas(of many delicious varieties that can't be compared to those tasteless Cavendish that you're used to) mangoes, mamey sapote, soursop, citrus, avocado, jackfruit, durian, cherimoya, rollinia, tomatoes, chocolate sapote, white sapote, green sapote, chico sapote, papaya, champedak, watermelon, cantaloupe, eggfruit, strawberries, figs, lychees, longans, rambutans, star apples, star fruits, mangosteen, guava, jaboticaba, passionfruit, mulberrry, persimmons, and I'm sure so many more that I can't think of, grow on this island. There are farmers markets every day of the week, with many great deals. There are also many places where you can get free fruit, and I know I will find more as time goes by. It is mango season, and the ancient trees are dropping hundreds of ripe fruit on the roadsides now. On Sundays I go and eat as many as I like of the best mangoes I've ever had. I've also found fields of delicious guavas, free for the foraging. If you eat avocados, there are always trees going off somewhere, and you can always have as many as you can eat.

I've spent about 1/4 of my time here on the bus, so I might as well mention transportation a little bit. Personally, I feel absolutely blessed with the buses here. It costs $1 and you can ride across the whole island if you wish. It does take some time to get where you're going, but the atmosphere is wonderful. As soon as you step on the bus, the usually super upbeat driver greets you with a smile, and his friendliness makes you appreciate life more. The morning driver plays a lot of oldies music, and some classic rock, and it is so fun to sit in the back of the bus and just enjoy. The bus ride to Hilo takes two and a half hours, but you get to see the beautiful coastline, and the change of landscape as you go along. The first part of the ride is on a one lane road, and it is so bumpy that I end up flying a foot out of my seat, landing with a loud thud. All this as groovy music plays loudly in the background. I often end up laughing and really enjoying the early morning ride. It reminds me of being in Mexico. I'm often the first person on the bus, but within the first hour or so it usually fills right up, sometimes with so many people standing that no one can really move. I really love the bus because you never know who you'll meet on there. It's always an adventure. My walk to the nearest bus stop takes over half an hour, but it too is amazing. In the morning, the dew is still melting on the leaves, and the birds are singing their morning songs. The sun is just beginning to warm the earth and it feels so good on my skin. In the evening I get to see the sunset most nights. Walking past the vast seas of lava, with the wind whispering in the trees, the magic of it takes my breath away.

The way of life here is quite different than other places in North America. Life moves at a much slower pace here, things being done the slow way. A lot of people who haven't been here long get annoyed since they're used to living in the fast lane, but I really like how there is no rush. It allows you to see the anxiety in yourself and question it. There are a lot of poor people here, and not many jobs, but if you're creative and open to other possibilities, you will find your way.

Last, but not least, the energy here. The Big Island is intense. I was first drawn here, expecting the island to heal me. I imagined a warm, comforting feeling, but that was not what I experienced. On my first night here, back in the autumn, I was overwhelmed with the energy. It was so powerful, it felt like it was screaming throughout my entire body. I didn't hate it, it felt like a teacher, one who is strict and cold, but you can feel deep down is pure love. It was hard at first though. This island wants you to face your demons, and become present, and if you are unwilling, it will make your life pretty difficult. Pele is always there, whispering to you to love the moment, however it is, even when you want life to be different. The longer I'm here, the more nurtured I feel. This place has taught me that I don't need someone, or something, or even someplace to heal me. It is all within me and there is nothing I need to do and nowhere I need to go. Sometimes I think of leaving here, of exploring other places or going home to see my family, but the thought of it makes me sad. I feel like my soul has dug roots here, deep into the rocky lava soil, and a part of me is holding so tight to this land. It is a part of me now and I think it always will be.

Fruitarianism and Instinctive Eating

My experiment with instinctive eating was a big step for me since for years now I have been firm in my belief that fruit was the only food appropriate for humans. I'm happy I was able to gather the courage to question my beliefs, and I have learned a lot through being more open.

First of all, high fat diets are not a good idea! Throughout my experiment I found myself wanting avocado, and once I started eating it, it became difficult to stop. For more than a week I ate it daily, and it did some major things to me. Emotionally, it was very numbing. Everything I felt was buried deep below this heaviness in my stomach. I found myself wanting to cry one day and not even being able to because my body was working so hard at digesting all the fat I had eaten. The simple joy that I felt for being alive, the peace that was deep within me, I couldn't feel it anymore. Everything felt dull and lifeless, and I felt comforted to stay that way. But I missed the mental clarity, a lot. I expected that eating comforting avos would leave me without food cravings, but it was the opposite. On sweet fruits I almost never craved cooked food. It smelled good sometimes, but not like something I would eat. But on this high fat diet, all I thought about was eating cooked carbs, like cakes and deep fried things. It was shocking to me, but I think it was because the fat stopped me from being able to absorb the fruity carbs I was eating.

Physically, I experienced a lot of negative reactions. My face became covered in acne, just little red spots, but a lot of them. I was bloated and in pain all the time. Even throughout the night my stomach felt full and heavy. Even though I was sleeping way more, I became so tired and dark bags formed under my eyes. A couple people I know told me that I looked sick. I experienced more headaches than ever in my life and felt constantly dehydrated, even though I was drinking a lot of water. The biggest problem was the blood sugar crashes. For those who don't know, it's not sugar that causes things like diabetes and candida, it's fat. I used to have hypoglycemia, and it went away completely when I switched to a diet of sugary fruits. Adding the fat back made me feel shaky and dizzy most of the time.

Eating a diet as light as fruit can be challenging in many ways. It forces you to face things in your life that you may not be ready to face, but it also gives you a strength in yourself. When your body isn't burdened with heavy, indigestible foods, you are more open to seeing the light within yourself that is always shining. That light became dead to me on heavier foods.

I kept myself open to eating foods other than fruit, and I ate some greens as well, but the main thing I have learned is that fruitarianism IS instinctive eating. For me anyways. I've had a deep knowing within me, even before I had learned about fruitarianism, that eating only fruit was right. I can't explain it, but my faith is unbreakable. Eating fruit is the most beautiful, natural way to live, and I don't think that will ever change for me.  

First Week of Instinctive Insights

What have I learned during my first week of instinctive living? I was going to update daily, but by the first day of my experiment I was filled with a need for silence. I have wanted to spend most of my days with the trees, the wind, the sky, the vast oceans of lava where nothing else exists, not even time. I have gone through moments of intense joy, of complete fulfillment. I have also experienced great uncomfort and immense suffering. All of it has been a great gift and a great lesson. You can learn more through the stillness than through any words or lessons from even the greatest spiritual teacher. So, to be honest, I don't have a lot of words to explain my experience to you. If you'd like to know how it is going I will say that it is going well. My entire existence feels new, like I'm waking up to see that everything that I thought I was, I am not. It is without a need for time frames. Where before I wanted to wake up a new person, one who simply didn't suffer anymore, there is a space in me now. In this space there is room for everything. I thought I needed to stop suffering, to stop judging, to empty my mind, but that was what was and still does hurt. The Buddha said that desire is the cause of all suffering, and I am experiencing the truth of these words. To want to be anything that you are not is suffering. If you are extremely depressed and think you should be calmer, more peaceful, happy, you will hurt deeply. I was suffering intensely a couple of nights ago. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I tried to make it stop. I did breathing exercises, yoga, meditation, writing out my feelings, but nothing was helping. The anxiety of facing my own self was so strong that I couldn't breathe. I felt like I needed to escape. I wanted so badly to sleep. It was late at night and I was exhausted, but my inner turmoil was so disturbing that I couldn't rest for a moment. I picked up a book and opened to a page, just to try and forget myself for a moment. The book was "A New Earth", and the random page that I opened to was about trying to be spiritual, or happy, or anything other than what you are. Eckhart Tolle said that trying to be more enlightened than you are at this moment is just another part of the ego, and it will bring intense suffering. As I read this I knew it was exactly what I was going through.(I tend to have a lot of important coincidences when it comes to books.) I was resisting so strongly to the unconsciousness I was experiencing. I wanted the pain to stop, wanted to feel good, for my mind to be still and peaceful, and I felt so frustrated. Most of all I felt like a failure. After reading just a paragraph or two from my book I felt very different. Everything I was going through felt ok. It was still there, but with my acceptance of being where I was, it transformed into something that felt really wonderful. I immediately began to feel calm and sleepy. I lied down, and for about 20 minutes I felt very peaceful and comfortable before falling into a deep sleep.


Through my attempt to get more in tune with my instincts I have gotten a chance to see how much I have ignored this most primal part of myself. I honestly thought that I was eating what I instinctively wanted when I wanted it. At first I felt very uncomfortable to truly see how I have been abusing myself in so many ways. No one wants to admit to that, but I knew it was very important to my healing. I am very conscious of the fact that most of these self-damaging things that I've been doing are deeply ingrained and I'm not comfortable with or ready to be free of most of them, and I respect that. I watch myself, in an almost constant state of terror, my breathing very shallow and my heart beating very fast. This isn't new, and I've known for a long time that I've been afraid, but I had no idea of the extent. I observe my eating habits, and I see that I rarely eat because of hunger. I eat when I'm thirsty, when I'm tired, when I'm lonely, when I'm sad, when I'm scared, and I try to stuff all my feelings deeply away, and of course it does not work. This is helping me to understand my very dysfunctional relationship with food. I also rarely eat the foods which smell good to me and that I am instinctively drawn to. Usually I choose foods for their emotional effect, especially their ability to suppress. That isn't easy to do with fruit, but it is possible.

My relationship to other human beings is beginning to feel very unnatural. Modern society and our culture has seemed alien to me for most of my life, but now that I'm looking deeper into myself I'm beginning to see that almost every way in which I interact with people seems very unnatural. Opening myself to the possibility that what I need isn't something that I have ever experienced is very scary. I'm finding that I have repressed so many deep needs, and I have made myself numb, my sense of aliveness has been stuffed into a dark place. I'm having these visions of how this world could be, and while I am not at war with the way things are, I feel like I really want to strive to live more in alignment with my inner desires. So many times growing up I would hear people say "he/she just wants attention," like it was the worst, most selfish desire in the world. I was taught to never share how I was truly feeling because to do that would mean you were weak and incapable of handling your problems. I still live this way. If I do share with someone my true feelings I immediately feel very guilty. In this ideal world that is opening in my mind I see people who are able to experience all emotions without fear of judgement. They can scream and cry, they can laugh till it hurts, they can dance, they can roll around in the grass, all without the mental judgement that they should restrict their emotions, their movement, their life. In this world in my mind, people can hug each other and touch each other without it having to be serious or inappropriate. We are all living in tiny little cages. It is becoming so apparent-can't you see? Look at yourself. Look how you hold yourself together, hold everything inside. You watch yourself from the outside, making sure that you inner vulnerabilities remain deeply hidden. You walk like you have everything under control, all emotion stripped from your face, all life buried too deep to see. I have been drawing a lot the past few days. Everything that is coming out on paper has been a reflection of this repression. I have never understood why I was drawn to painting these people who were hiding. There is a beauty in it, sort of like a flower bud. You see in these people's eyes the infinite sea of life which is within reach, just waiting to bloom, and it gives us hope.

I have been having these moments of complete emptiness-emptiness of thought, of feeling, of existence. In them I experience a wordless knowing, and all lack is replaced with a fullness, with a love so unconditional that I just become so still and so content that there is nothing else in the world. It was after one of these moments of silence that I came know what it meant to be a goddess, for me. I thought there was something we had to seek, to find, before we could truly embrace this power and divinity, but it is the opposite. When you stop seeking, when you are exactly who you are in this moment, with no resistance to anything about you or the world, that is it. In that moment you are god, you are a goddess, you are everything you have ever felt you were missing. It is in the sense of lack that we lose who we really are. We are everything and there's nothing that we need to make us whole.

Instinctive Living Experiment

                                         
                                        
It's been 6 days since I started my one meal per day experiment. I had planned on trying it for 30 days, as an attempt to heal my colitis, but I'm done with it today. I can feel it is over.

I'm writing this well after dark, on the night of an extremely powerful full moon. The full moon has pulled at me for most of my life. I can always feel it approaching and it is usually an extremely uncomfortable time for me. The first month I was in Hawaii I had a very strong reaction to the full moon. I experienced tremendous emotional pain late into the night, so much confusion, fear, sadness, loneliness, anxiety. I felt like I was literally going insane. At one point, after many hours of laying in bed awake, I found myself getting up and beginning to sway and move. It was out of my control, as if the moon were speaking through me, teaching me to be like the trees which do not push against the wind. They dance in the beauty of what is. Self control, willpower, I sit here right now, thinking about them, laughing at such ridiculous concepts.

To be honest, today was one of the hardest days of my life. I didn't think I was going to make it through it. By the time I got home this evening I felt like I was going to die, my emotional body was bleeding and raw all over. I felt like screaming, every second becoming more unbearable. My mind was so completely erratic that I could not make sense of a single thought in my head. I couldn't breathe. I had anxiety attack after anxiety attack, feeling like my heart would give out.

I began to write in my journal, words coming out of me from nowhere. I said that I needed to die right now, to die without dying. I wasn't sure what that would entail, but I knew that something deep inside of me knew exactly what to do. Without thinking or using my mind to guide myself in any way I found myself lying down. My breathing became very pronounced. I watched myself as I left my body behind and watched it from above myself. I remember thinking it was strange that it, she, not me, not the one who was watching, was still hurting, even without me there. She writhed in pain, and I observed the intense pressure behind her forehead, in her chest and throat.It was strangling her. I witnessed the thoughts, "Can't do this anymore, more pain than I can take." Suddenly I was back in my body, but not my body, and I was brushing the darkness away from myself. I began at the throat, pulling, wiping, pushing at these blockages which were causing intense suffering. I didn't know what I was doing, it was just happening. I began to cry uncontrollably, tears running into my hair and soaking my pillow, loud sobs coming from deep within my chest. I didn't try to control my experience in any way. When I became exhausted I found myself rolling into a ball and just lying there listening to my breathing for a very long time. The intense pain was gone, but I didn't feel good. Sort of like I was in limbo. I watched as the sun set and the moonlight filled my room.

Thoughts began to run through me about the restricted ways in which I've lived, and have never really questioned because everyone lives that way. It takes so much courage to release the beliefs of how to live. I thought about the books I had read on instinctive living and how completely vulnerable the thought of living like that made me feel. While reading these books I found my mind attacking the simple possibility of relying on our instincts, clinging tightly to my labels. What would it be like to live without rules, without labels? This fasting experiment I've been doing has been a great teacher for me. My body had a chance to detoxify, and I've had so much time to think about how it feels to live within the confines of my experiment. It felt very unnatural to eat for only one hour of the day, and I found myself eating more than felt comfortable just so I would get in enough food, which I never did anyway. All these rules about eating made me realize how my whole life has been nothing but a set of rules, shoulds and shouldn'ts, rights and wrongs.

The moon is telling me to let it all go, to try a new experiment, one without rules. I don't even know what it means to live an instinctive life. I, just like most humans, have spent my whole life ignoring my instincts, and have lost touch with the divine, primal goddess which is deep inside of me. It feels like uncharted territory, eating, doing, being what feels right without judgement or labelling of any kind. It means eating what smells and tastes good, as much of it as I want, whenever my body wants without counting calories, without thinking about any of the science of nutrition, disregarding everything I've learned, and eating foods in their natural, raw state. labelling ourselves as vegans, fruitarians, raw foodists, whatever, gives us a sense of identity, of "I'm better than people who eat animals or junk food." For quite a few years now, fruitarianism has been a major part of my identity, and I can feel myself becoming ready to release it. I'm open to eating what my body asks for, even if it is things I would never have considered before. If I wake up one morning and decide to kill and eat a chicken, I am open to that. I honestly don't feel like my body wants animals, and inside, deeper than my mind I don't feel like killing an animal is something I would ever do or feel drawn to do, but I want to remain open to all possibilites, without judgement.

What about the rest of my lifestyle? That's where things get more complicated. I've seen myself in so many situations, doing the opposite of what feels natural to me. Through this experiment I am going to be finding out so much about myself and my needs: The physical needs of my body; when to exercise, when to stop, movement that is uncontrolled and free to become anything. My emotional needs; what I need to give to myself, what I want to recieve from others. Socially I have always felt very rigid, with so many rules in my mind about how I should act, and I don't know what letting that go will be like. This is an exploration of feeling good, in every possible way, and I know it will take extreme courage and vulnerability, especially for me. I have spent my whole life denying myself of anything that feels good, running from it. I remember growing up and wanting hugs, to be so close to people almost all the time, and I forced myself to be alone. I spent years starving myself, trying to deny every need of my body, telling myself I didn't deserve to have needs, cutting myself, doing everything I could to cause myself pain. This isn't going to be easy to do. It may be the biggest challenge I ever face, but I feel ready for it.

I'm not sure how long I'll try this experiment for. I might aim for 30 days but I'll just go day by day and see how this feels for me. I imagine I will find it very scary to just be however I feel good being, and a lot of this experiment will just be about noticing how different situations make me feel out of balance, without judging myself for being unable to be more true to myself. Eventually, through observation I think these concepts I've been living will begin to crumble, but I know it may take time. I will blog about how my diet changes from one of strictly fruit, eaten at certain hours in certain quantities, to a diet of freedom from any rules, except that the food be in it's raw natural state. I won't be eating any cooked or mixed foods because that completely changes our body's reaction to it. I've noticed in the past that my body doesn't experience a natural stop point with mixed food, even something as simple as a fruit salad, or lettuce mixed with tomatoes, and I end up eating quantities that I wouldn't have eaten if the foods were on their own. In nature animals don't mix their foods so I won't be doing that either. It is exciting to start finding out if the diet I've been eating is truly what my body desires. I'll also write about the rest of my life and my attempts to do what feels good, and how that changes me. I honestly have pretty much no idea how my first day is going to go. All I know is that I am going to allow it to unfold without effort, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Tomorrow is going to be an exciting day!

Only You Can Hurt Yourself - Only You Can Heal Your Life

As I mentioned in my post about my third day of this fasting experiment, the emotional detox has been much greater than I anticipated. I almost felt too insecure to share my experience, but that's what this blog is about. I want people to feel safe enough to be completely honest, not to put on a fake smile when inside they're hurting. It feels right to be real, even if only in my blog. For some people this may be too much information, but maybe some of you have gone through similar experiences and are ready to go back there and question your stressful thoughts. Pretending everything is ok doesn't work. I've been running from my past for a long time and it only hurts more.
The memories I am going to talk about here are very personal, and I hope that anyone who was a part of them doesn't mind. I hold no blame for anyone, and I have no regrets whatsoever. I mean no guilt here. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this information, but it feels important that I let it out as part of my story that I am moving through with everyone who reads this.

For days now, bad memories have been coming up, and I've gone through times of feeling like I was a victim, feeling safe there. In the middle of the night my mind goes back to things that have happened. I'm remembering things and feelings from my childhood which have caused me a lot of pain. I can feel so much fear from when I was a little girl, so much screaming, so much anger and confusion. I felt so small, and so incapable of stopping the war that was going on in my own home. I thought I was suppossed to feel safe there, but I didn't, not ever. My stomach was sick since I was born and I just cried and cried, praying for the screaming to stop, for the hateful energy to subside. I was forced to be a grown up by the time I was five years old, trying so hard to please everyone, especially my parents, and feeling like I never succeeded. My sense of stability was gone, and I felt like a plastic bag, blowing around in the wind, not being able to stop anything bad from happening to me. When my parents separated it was good for me in many ways because I felt like my mom was safer, and I didn't need to watch out for her, at least for a little while. The man she was with left a terrible feeling in me, and I often worried for my mother's life with him too. So many times I can think of how sick my stomach would be, thinking my mom was being killed. I have a very bad feeling about the cottage where we stayed when my mother first left my father. I'm unable to mentally go back there, it makes me feel really sick, but like a year ago, when I was going through a very hard time and decided to end my life, I got in my car with some pills, not knowing where I was going, driving for hours until I ended up at that cottage. I stopped my car and just sat there, unable to move, completely petrified, starting to shake. In the end I didn't take the pills, but I haven't forgotten how I felt there, and it still haunts me.

Sometimes I feel like I've lived more than my share of nightmares in the short amount of time I've been alive. I think back to all these things that brought me pain, and sometimes it feels like I don't have a happy story of my life to share with people. That's why I don't often tell anyone about my past, and if I do it is just a surface outline of places I've been, never really getting into the truth. I want to say it's because I just want to live in the present, and release my past, but to be honest, I just feel like I can't get it out of me. I've felt this tightness, this heavy thing, strangling me, all across my throat and chest, for a very long time and it is words and feelings that I can't get out. There is so much I want to say, I just want to scream sometimes, but nothing comes out. I'm so afraid that if I start with one honest, real thing about me, I will fall apart and lose everything. When I went to see psychologists they became fed up with me because I couldn't tell them anything. It wasn't that I didn't want to. I needed to speak, to cry, to scream, and I would feel like such a failure when I couldn't let it out.

I'm coming to terms with something I have believed to be true for a long time, but haven't truly observed in myself until now; that all my suffering is self caused. Think of something, the worst thing you can imagine happening to you. Right now, this thinking, that's the worst that can happen. The situation is never as bad as what the mind can come up with. And for any of you who have seen "The Secret", you have learned that when you go through something in the mind, the body doesn't know the difference between what you imagine and what is actually happening to you. That's why it is great to imagine beautiful things. It helps put you into alignment with more good. But when you think about negative past experiences your body is reliving them. I've watched my mind relive the most terrible things that I have ever experienced. My mom getting beaten up with me standing there unable to do anything, daily terrible screaming fights, trying to take care of everyone while neglecting myself, helping to kill my own grandmother, watching my baby brother die, being sexually abused, trying to starve myself to death, cutting and trying to destroy my own body, being so trapped in fear and confusion that I couldn't breathe. Everyone has their stories, their pasts which they use to identify themselves. That is what I have done. And as I relive these pains I see that the memory is always worse than what happened. Think of it, you have someone over you, hurting you, and the entire time you're thinking about what's next. If you were present you might be able to deal with it, but instead your mind projects itself so completely that you later imagine things to be much worse than they were. Every moment that you are truly here, truly at peace with the moment, you can not experience suffering. And that doesn't mean you want what is happening to be happening or that you can't change it. You can ask yourself if this feels good and if it is what you want. If it isn't then you can do everything in your power to change it without starting a war within yourself. This is where true power lies.

"This shouldn't have happened to me." Can you absolutely know that to be true? for me the answer is always no. I don't regret anything that happened to me in that past. I've pretty much stopped looking for a "Why did this happen?" and come to terms with the fact that it did, knowing that God doesn't make mistakes. Look to nature, everything happens so perfectly, no mistakes. All of life is like that. If we could only stop, and really experience life, we would begin to flow like the water in a river, without resistance, effortlessly, beautifully.

All of this pain you hold onto isn't even real. I know it can hurt to admit that because for so long we have used these memories to keep ourselves trapped as victims, waiting for someone to save us and make everything ok. I've done that my whole life, and I can tell you that it only gets worse when you have beliefs that someone or something will be your salvation. You wait, holding your breath, praying for the thing you think you need, and then you get it and the hurt doesn't stop. It intensifies because you begin to realize that no one and no thing will ever make the pain stop. Only you can cause it and only you can take it away. This is a good thing, but it might take a long time for you to embrace it. Isn't it freeing to know that no one can ever hurt you? My biggest fear for most of my life was that someone was going to molest me, and I came to realize that by living in this fear I not only attracted it, but through it I was molesting myself every day with these thoughts. The mind is a very powerful thing, capable of doing more good than you can imagine, but when you're out of balance, as the human race is, all that power is being used to do some very serious damage. We are all walking around abusing ourselves, and we are blaming the world. There is no separate "I" and "them". When you hurt another you hurt yourself. When you hurt yourself, you hurt the world. It is all within.

All of this has been very painful to admit and allow, but through fasting I am letting truth into my life, even when it really hurts to let go of old beliefs. In the end what you give yourself is freedom. How scary, intimidating, and painful is it to think that you need the world to be different, for other people to be what you need, for them to fix you? How powerless do you feel when you think of all the pain in the world, the vastness of it and know that you can't stop it all? What you want is peace, for everyone. But look how you are going about it. "I am going to suffer and feel guilty and fight until the world is a better place." That doesn't make any sense. Give yourself what you want to give to the world, be the person you want other people to be, love everyone as if they were you. LOVE YOURSELF. If you can truly do that, then there is nothing you can't do. Love really can heal the whole world. I've been so closed to it, seeing so much pain and injustice, looking at all the ways in which people hurt one another. But I never gave myself this love that I wanted to feel. I always thought someone else needed to love me, and everytime they did or didn't I would feel intense pain inside. All I ever wanted was to feel safe and loved and when I found out that I couldn't feel anyone's love for me I thought I was broken. The truth is, we weren't made to feel the love of other's. That isn't possible. When you're in a loving relationship with someone, you feel love and you think it is coming from them, but look closer, it is your own love. Love is what you are. There is nothing to seek. Isn't that amazing?

Lifestyle Design Experiment (Daily 23 hour fast, 1 meal per day)-Day 3

Yesterday afternoon, after not having a whole lot of food for my morning meal, I became quite hungry. I almost decided to give in and eat another meal, but then I decided not to. This is only for a month, and I can do that. I would stop if I felt deprived or if it was having a negative impact on my life, but it feels right. It's going to be intense and challenging, but I'm up for it. I imagine today will be a lot easier since I'm going to Hilo to hopefully get a mountain of durian and other ripe exotics. The hunger yesterday wasn't what was really challenging though. By evening the emotional detox had become very strong. I was very restless, but didn't want to get up and move around because I'd had enough exercise already. I did some yoga, but it wasn't helping. I just sat in my bed, crying, feeling like at any second my body would just give out from the pain that was coming up. I felt so vulnerable, so lonely, so afraid. I focused as much as I could on just dealing with each moment as it came, and after about 5 hours of just laying there, curled up in a tight little ball on my bed, I fell asleep. This morning I woke up feeling very fragile, but peaceful. I feel good about getting out today and going into Hilo. I need some time to be around people to balance me right now. Tomorrow I'm going to Kona with some new friends here. I'm very excited to see the other side of the island, the abundance and wealth, the dry, sunny weather, the sandy beaches. I'm sitting here thinking about how ridiculous it is that I have been been able to manifest pretty much anything I could ever want in the physical realm. The good just keeps on coming. I'm still working on getting my mental state into alignment with peace, humility, and surrender, and at times I'm really there, but I've been on an emotional rollercoaster for a while now. Right now though, I feel so alive, so completely at peace with reality. The sun is just rising, a new day starting. Anything is possible today.


Later

Just got back from my trip to Hilo. Lots of insights about my body today. I sit here trying to type, my hands are shaking uncontrollably, but let's back up a little bit. Ender and I got to Hilo determined to get durian. My usual shop was still sold out so we decided to get some from the more expensive shop near the farmer's market. We each got 2 pounds and waited impatiently for them to thaw. We stocked up on fruit for the week, and I got a giant soursop, over 6 pounds! I also got my first green sapote and a basket of bananas. I was going to avoid bananas if possible since they haven't beeen making me feel my best, but since I'm out of dates I didn't want to risk running out of food again.

We got on the bus, planning on eating our durian on the trip home. As soon as Ender opened the package and we took a bite, the bus driver told us we couldn't eat it on the bus. After smelling and tasting the luscious fruit we had a hard time controlling ourselves from eating it, Ender even tried to tell the driver I was hypoglycemic and needed to eat, but it didn't fly. So, in the end I waited until I got off the bus to have my first and only meal of the day. It had been 26 hours since I had last eaten, but by then the hunger wasn't actually that strong. I noticed that by noon time the hunger I was feeling in the morning had transformed into a strong life energy within me. I became very aware and every moment seemed very important. I liked how it felt. My senses became very intensified. Every smell had so many smells within it, so much fuller and exciting. A touch of my hand was felt throughout my entire body, even the wind in my hair or the sun on my skin was indescribably wonderful.

After getting off the bus I decided to find a nice spot in the woods to sit down with my glorious feast. As much as I had wanted durian on the bus ride I found myself now wanting something very sweet and juicy. Also, I wanted to eat more food today and knew that starting with a fatty fruit wasn't the best idea. So I opened up my green sapote. It was exactly like mamey. I'd never had two different fruits that I couldn't tell apart. Strange. It went down well though, and I wanted more. Like I may have mentioned before, once I get started on a mono meal, I become one with the taste of that fruit and I usually am disgusted by any other fruit until I experience a taste change with the fruit I am eating. Knowing I had no more sapote and needed to eat more I waited a few minutes then moved onto bananas. After the first one my body told me that they were very good for me and to slowy continue to eat them. I had 8 of them then stopped, not because I'd had enough, but because I had two pounds of durian to eat, and I knew I would need a lot of stomach space for that. Honestly though, if I had a way to store the durian I would have because I only wanted more bananas. I opened the first package of durian and it was very creamy and flavorful. It felt a little too rich and heavy even though the taste was very good. By the time I had finished the first package I felt like I didn't really want anymore, but I knew the other durian would only last an hour or two without refridgeration, which I didn't have. So I opened it up, but I noticed that it seemed a little watery. I tasted it and it was very sour and bitter, already rotten when I bought it. The first thought that came to my mind was "This sucks. I paid $12 for this durian and now I just need to throw it away." But then I looked deeper. I was already full, and more food would only have fermented in my stomach, causing pain and sickness. In this way I got to enjoy some delicious durian and the forest got some very powerful compost. We both win.

I noticed that immediately after eating the durian my physical energy dropped by about 85%. I felt too exhausted to move. All the mental clarity I had felt had become clouded and very murky. I was having a hard time thinking at all. This felt similar to times in the past when I've overdone it on avocados. I think that this daily fasting is already making my body very sensitive, and the lightness and clarity I've been experiencing aren't something I want to lose right now. I've been going through sheer hell, facing my demons through emotional detox, but I'll be posting another entry about that. Physically though, allowing my body to have long amounts of time without food has already proven to give me better energy, balance, and especially flexibility. Even after years of doing yoga my flexibility has never really improved much, but just in the past few days I have noticed a difference. I can tell that the tightness in my muscles is largely an emotional issue, but clearly it has physical causes as well.

Lack of energy wasn't my only problem after the durian. I also realized that I had become dehydrated(fatty foods usually do that to me) and I had no water. I began to shake uncontrollably and felt like I might pass out. I decided that I needed to sit in the shade for a few minutes before trying to make it home, even though I knew I needed to rehydrate as soon as possible. My body just couldn't move. I tried to stand up and had a very hard time. I had quite a heavy load of food to carry home and I honestly didn't know if it was possible. I began to walk, very slowly, taking many breaks. I knew that if I projected myself any more than one step into the future I would collapse so I needed to stay very present. Just one more step. One more step. It took me over an hour to walk home, and when I got here I fell into my bed and didn't move for a couple of hours. Later in the evening I noticed that my stomach was very bloated and the pain was intensifying. I went for a short walk, fermenting durian coming up my throat, then noticed that there was blood in my pants again when I got home. David Klein said to avoid all fatty food, even durian until your intestines are well healed. I wanted to keep durian as my exception to the rules, but I think I will need to exclude it from my diet for now. Or eat only small amounts. I think if I slowly eat maybe a half pound while feeling good and happy it would be fine. I noticed when I got home today that someone had left a ripe rollinia by my door. I felt so touched that I almost cried. The goodness of people never ceases to amaze me.

So, what I've learned today: 1)Drink more water. 2)Don't eat fatty foods when you're trying to cleanse 3)Listen to your instincts and if your body tells you it only wants one kind of food, listen. 4)Enjoy the lightness and intensification of the senses as your body detoxifies.

Day 2 of fasting experiment + Goddess Drawings

This is the second day of my daily fasting experiment. It has been almost a full day since my last meal and I've been going through some pretty intense detox, more than I expected. I began by having one of those achey detox headaches last night, then my mouth began to fill with acid that I couldn't wash out and it burned my teeth and gums. That has happened other times when I've fasted as well. Even though I eat a very alkalizing diet my body is in an acid state right now. I woke up in the middle of the night literally soaked in sweat. I had to get out of bed and rinse off. I've never sweated that much ever. My body is clearly working very hard at cleansing. This morning I have a slight headache and just feel shaky and a little nauseous. So far the intestinal pain is very much diminished and I can feel the bleeding has stopped. It's only going to get better from here on out.

I started eating today at 10am. I was going to wait until 11, but I became very hungry after walking for a good 45 minutes in the rain and becoming so cold that I've been shaking for hours now. I can feel my body burning a lot of calories to stay warm now. I ate 5 papayas and then felt kind of sick, but after a few minutes I decided to eat some more because I want to get in more food today if possible. I opened up a breadfruit I had collected in the jungle a few days ago. I had only tried it once before and I now know that the one I had was rotten. This is a very strange fruit. It was actually sweet, with a creamy, gooey, raw bread dough like consistancy. As much as the taste seemed pleasant to me, my body said no very strongly so I only ate a couple of bites. I was going to dig into a soursop that I had brought into town with me, but I opened it to find that is was rotten and brown inside. Luckily I had a few dates left. So I ate 12 of them and I'm full now, just wanting to get under some warm blankets and watch a movie or something. I kind of miss being able to watch movies to be honest. Not always, but once in a while it's really comforting to just forget about life and cuddle up and enjoy a movie.


Last week while waiting for the bus I talked with an artist who lives on my road. She told me how she spends all her time painting goddesses. It hit something in me really deeply. I missed art so much, and it made me think of how I used to find myself painting and drawing almost nothing but goddesses, but not how most people create them. My creations weren't of magical women made of fire, or water, greens and blues, red and orange. They were just ordinary women who you could see within them that which was wordless, a knowing in their eyes, in their movement and form. For days now I have felt so compelled to start drawing, but so afraid of what happened last time. It has been a very long time since I've seriously sat down and lost myself in drawing or painting. Yesterday, moments before I needed to catch my bus home I found myself in search of pencils. I got some and when I got home nothing could stop me, I just sat down knowing I was going to draw. It felt very good, but before pencil touched onto clean paper I became filled with anxiety. "I should be afraid-is that true?" And in that moment I let go, and spent hours drawing, filled with silence and peace. I ended up with two goddess drawings which I feel good about. I've been planning for a while to start selling artwork again and I'm going to get a site up soon with all my stuff for sale. I'm going to be painting again soon, I can really feel it, and I'll be selling my trance bracelets too. Until then I will post whatever I create on here. If anyone is interested in either of today's drawings they are $20 each, including shipping to anywhere in the US or Canada. Anywhere else, add $5. It'll be really good to start making money doing things that inspire me and it will really help in my manifestation of my land and of the fruit trees and things I need to get started with my dream.

Last night I also ended up doing some yoga, a lot of writing, and just had some silent time with myself. More and more it is sinking in that I AM EVERYTHING. It's so unbelievable how I've spent my whole life thinking there was something to strive for, always searching, but never finding what I was looking for. Knowing this doesn't mean I am going to live a life without possessions, or just sit in silence alone for the rest of my life. I could do that, and that would be ok, but it is really fun to explore and experience the physical realm. There are so many things I want to do in this life. I want to see the world, especially Thailand, where I will follow the durian season and fill my body with the most delicious food on the planet. I want to own a piece of land that I can love and respect and nurture, growing every kind of fruit you can imagine. I want to share loving, deep, intimate experiences with people. I want to be a mother and learn from the wisdom of my children. Mmmm, there's so much good in this world. I feel very grateful for this life.