Tippy

Who he was - it was just a whisper in the wind

The Long Walk

I just got back from a 14 day, 500 kilometre walk to Prince Edward Island. I want to write about it now, while it's still fresh in my mind, as I can already feel parts of it slipping away from me. I had planned on walking all the way back as well, but became very sick from what I'm assuming was a bad water source.

I guess I will start by sharing some of my journal entries from the trip, since that will paint the clearest picture of what my day's were like. A lot of it isn't pretty. I faced parts of myself which I didn't want to face, and days of this journey were some of the most difficult I have lived through. But here it is, the beautiful and the ugly, my experience on the road.

August 6 
Tomorrow I leave for my grand adventure...Why am I going? I'm not even sure. My desire to get over Chris is a big part of it. I've sat in this house for a month, grieving and losing myself to the darkness of living without someone who I loved so very much. It's time I move on. It's time I face so many things within myself. I'm utterly lost and I feel like my feet aren't even on the ground anymore. I need to know myself and become silent and listen to everything this mind has to say. 

I know this will be hard, but I'm harder. I can do this.This is one of the most extreme things I've ever put myself through. Last night I cried so hard I could barely breathe, my wails shaking the house. I cried for Chris. I cried because I knew that at this point my options were to take this walk or commit myself to a psych ward. I cried because I was scared and wanted to hide in my warm bed indefinitely, but knew that it was no longer an option. I cried because I didn't feel ready for this pilgrimage, but knew its time had come anyway. I just cried. 

August 7
It's somewhat terrifying to be without distractions. I don't know how this month should go. I'm doing this because I want to heal, from Chris, but really, from so much more. I'm afraid of where my mind goes. Afraid that if I let it run free I will become paralyzed by everything which is broken in me. 


27 kms...my feet can move no more. I found a clearing in the woods, but I'm being eaten alive by mosquitos. I know I need to surrender to it because there is no way to change the situation. I feel happy. It's just in this moment, but for once, just living is enough. I feel whole. 


I'm already unbelievably lonely. I want to scream about everything that hurts in my heart and I want someone there to hug me and say "shhh, it's gonna be ok." And I want them to do that over and over. It feels like all I want or will ever want, but what hurts most is that I know that's a lie. There is no end to the wanting. 


I wonder if it's my fault it fell apart, for all the things I never said. I don't think he ever knew that every time I looked at him the world stopped and I filled with light. The sun is setting now. I want to scream. I want to feel his arms around me. But there's a part of me that's quiet, that sees the soft glow of the sunlight filtering through the trees and is taken away by it. I want to know only the quiet. 



August 8
This is the furthest I have ever walked in a day. It makes me wonder where our limits are. I think walking like this heals a person in different ways than one would imagine. I don't know what it is doing for me, but I already feel different. I keep having long stretches of time go by where I'm actually content. Not for any reason. It's just simple and whole. 


So many men have been stopping to offer me rides. Sometimes, the soft vulnerable part of me wants to hop in their trucks and forget about everything I'm out here to do. I've made a pact with myself not to associate with men(or anyone else really) on this trip. I'm not used to turning down rides. I'm not used to relying on my own two feet to take me where I want to go, but for now that is how it must be. 


I walked too far today. In the end it was raining heavily and I was limping like a 90 year old hunchback. I was in so much pain, and realizing that no amount would stop me, I knew I had to make camp. I feel rotten. I know I pushed it too far today. I want to stop. Like really fucking want to stop. I want to go home and cry. I know I won't, not yet, but I'm very close. 


I'm sitting in front of the ocean now. There are loons and I hear the waves. I feel like I am nothing but sorrow. So much pain inside. I want to cry forever, but the tears are stuck. Rainy days are hard. I know this is the part of myself I wanted to get in touch with. This is the dark place I didn't want to go. It seems to have no end. 


What if I can't walk tomorrow? Every movement hurts. My shoulders are badly burned and my hips are bruised and aching. My collarbones and rubbed raw from the straps of my pack and my feet are blistered. My head aches from too much sun. My calves are on fire. The backs of my knees feel like guitar strings pulled so tightly they are about to snap. 42 kms today.


August 9
I miss my father and mother today, so much I don't have words for it. More than ever in my life. I'm afraid I will lose them. I sat this morning, my first time in a town since beginning my walk, with my feet propped up, watching the people around me. I was absolutely engrossed in observing them. I watched as a young father fed his baby sons watermelon, giggling in their faces as his wife rushed around, yelling at him for wasting time and being silly. I watched as a mother pushed a grocery cart around with her teenaged son and daughter, who were laughing together, so happy to shop with their mom. The mother raced on, annoyed by their childishness. Tears started to roll down my cheeks. They're missing it, I thought, they're missing everything. And I knew it was not only them, but everyone else, including myself. We race through life, on some sort of crazy mission and we're blind to the beauty and love that is surrounding us. It seemed like one of the most enraging, ridiculous things I had ever observed, but it was true, and it made me sad to my core. 

August 10
I think I'm beginning to understand what walking is doing for me. I thought getting out here, with no distractions, would leave me so vulnerable I would have to deal with all of my problems. I imagined many break downs. But what is happening is that I'm realizing that I don't even have problems. When I'm walking there is only this. My whole life is so immediate that there is no room for past or future. Everything is subtle, but it impacts me so deeply. I'm starting to see so many things I'd never noticed before, or if I had, I had completely taken for granted. Living so simply is making me appreciate life so much more. While walking today, I stopped in Annapolis to eat some rice. I felt so absolutely thrilled to be both sitting down, without foot pain, and eating at the same time. It felt like more pleasure than I could contain. How did I miss all this before?

August 12
A couple nights ago I slept in an abandoned building. I believe it was haunted. I knew it when I got there, and didn't listen to my intuition which told me to leave. It was a full moon that night. I didn't sleep. I had a very high fever and started to hallucinate. I remember screaming, "I'm losing my mind!" and then replying back to myself, "It's ok, lose it. Let go!" In my delusion I saw my mother and one of her ex boyfriends who she had told me she was never able to really love. I started crying and asking why I didn't get with a man that I couldn't love. Why did I have to give myself so completely to a man who threw me away? 
It was one of the hardest nights of my life. I kept thinking I wouldn't get through it, but I forced myself to take it one minute at a time. In the morning I felt hushed by the experience, and walked for a few hours chanting Hare Krishna (I have no idea why. I guess at this point I was missing having my music to comfort me and Krishna Das was what I would always listen to when I became very lonely or scared.) and drumming on my empty plastic water bottle.

August 13
Today marks one week on the road...A little while ago I took off my pack to walk into the woods to pee. As I was walking back I felt so weightless and the sun on my skin brought me to a different state of consciousness. I was giggling and high. Sungasm.


I've spent the past week walking all the roads on which I spent my childhood, passing houses I've lived in, schools I've attended, towns I can remember from my earliest memories. Now I'm walking into the unknown. It's good to be moving on.


I find it kind of sad that I'm already daydreaming of getting back home. Why did I do this?I guess I thought it would give me a different perspective on my life. I think it has, but I'm afriad that things will go back to how they were before, shortly after I get back. How does a person truly change? My life is always changing, but underneath, old patterns and beliefs feel like they're glued to me. I don't know how I will ever become someone else or if I need to.


Restless tonight. I'm sitting here, bored, lonely, hungry, sad, and I'm getting eaten alive by mosquitos. I can't help but ask why. But when I do, my entire life seems so empty. If I find no meaning in this, and certainly no meaning in living a life of comforts, then what? The purpose I felt in loving Chris was so fragile, because it depended on him being there, and being who I needed him to be. If he strayed from that I lost it. He didn't deserve that. No one does. It doesn't seem right for one's sense of well being to depend on someone else. I want to find meaning. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to know a love that is completely unconditional. 

August 14
Well past the halfway point now. The desire to turn around still comes into my mind from time to time, but I immediately shove it out. I am powerful. I can do this. Nothing can stop me.

August 15
I don't want to be one of those people who is blind. I want to always see what I have and take none of it for granted. I walked, for hours today in the pouring rain, singing at the top of my lungs, feeling no pain. I was walking with God's energy in my legs and I was weightless. All of these beautiful moments have been revealed to me through my intense resistance and suffering. This walk has tested me more than anything ever has and its far from over. I'm so grateful for it even though most of the time it infuriates me. 


My appetite is gone today. It worries me that I don't even care to eat anymore. I don't care about seeing PEI. I don't even care enough to make camp in a safe place tonight. I hope my mood picks up tomorrow. I promised myself I wouldn't make the decision to quit today because I'm sick and wet and really low. I just want to be with my family. I miss feeling safe. I'm always needing to look out for my safety on this trip and its draining me. I want to jump into the soft nest of my bed and never leave it. 


Yesterday I was amazed that I was 8 days in. It had gone by so quickly. I felt sure of myself. Today, 9 days seems like all my life. Did I ever do anything but this? I can't rightly remember my old life. The thought of the days ahead sends waves of dread through me. I just want to be home. 

August 16
Days are rolling together now. I feel lost and like I've been out here for an eternity. I'm lonely and so very tired. I'm feel I'm at the end of my rope. I'm afraid I can't do this anymore. I want to finish and I will keep trying, but I'm scared. It has only been two bad days, but I forget what it was like to feel positive and good about this. Maybe it's just the rain.


I'm sick today, with a headache. I had to force myself to eat, even breakfast, the one meal I'm usually ravenous for. I made oatmeal, but couldn't even finish it, too nauseated to take another bite. Later I made noodles, but couldn't eat them either. I am so weak it scares me. I have this feeling I might die and never see my family again. 

I was walking today and saw a dead crow on the side of the road and it reminded me of the one my Dad found in a dumpster and gave to me to heal. I was 19 years old and at the height of my anorexia. I had pretty much given up hope. I was at the time eating three apples a day, nothing more, nothing less. I exercised for as many hours as I could keep from collapsing and I started to dabble more heavily in drugs. Around the same time as I got the bird, my Dad bought me my first car. I remember overdosing on his anxiety meds before getting the car and almost driving it off the road. I went back to his house, took more pills and lost my memory for 3 days. It was more than the medication. My body was so wasted it just couldn't function anymore. Chilufya said I was mumbling about nonsense and she stayed by my bed at night, afraid I would die. 

I took the bird back to my mother's house and formed a close bond with him. He was very sick and diseased. I felt close to him, like he understood me. He looked so deeply into my eyes sometimes, I felt like he knew what was inside me. I talked to him. I had alienated myself from my family, convinced they couldn't help my pain and being close to them would only hurt more. So I told this bird everything I couldn't say to anyone else. I fed him the tomatoes from my garden which I couldn't allow myself to eat. Eventually he stopped eating too. "No, you can't do this too," I would cry to him. "You need to live." But he didn't. I woke up one morning and my mother said he had just plopped over dead. My anorexia had made me cold and numb, and I said it was ok, but his death haunted me. 

I remember looking into the mirror that day. It was the first time I had seen the wreck that anorexia had made of me. My cheeks were sunken under eyes whose pupils were so dilated you could barely see the blue of them. My spine and rib cage stood out, as if separate from me. My legs I noticed most of all. They looked like doll's legs. Straight and narrow and leading up to an ass which had become nonexistent. My expression was flat and I looked so empty. I wanted to cry. I wanted someone to make me stop. Everyone around me was dying without control and I was taking my life away. But I didn't stop. Within minutes, thoughts of success and losing another pound came into my mind, and I was once more possessed by the demon that almost killed me. 

I think about that today because I feel like maybe that demon never left and this walk is just another manifestation of it. I hurt so badly and want to stop, but a loud voice in my head tells me I need to succeed. The human mind is a funny thing. I will never understand it. 

August 17
Last night was one of the scariest of my life. After I stopped writing, my headache grew into a migraine and I began to throw up. I became very cold and the pain had me out of my mind. I would lie down until the need to puke would arise again, and when I would rise, I would call out in my delirium, "mom, where are you?I'm so cold." Finished hurling, I would fall back into my sleeping bag, sobbing and soaking it with my tears, crying "I don't want to die here." In one of my moments of clarity, I vowed I would hitchhike home in the morning, if I survived. But soon there were no more moments of clarity. The pain grew to where I could not move, could not speak. I just lied there as the pain became a vibration which I watched in the air, spikes of blue and yellow eventually lulling me into a soft sleep. When I woke up again, I was very weak, but ok. I decided to keep hiking since I was only days from PEI, but promised I would stop if I got worse.

I still have a fever today and I'm very afraid of getting sicker. I am almost unable to eat at all now. I cook for myself, but when I see the food, my stomach turns and I am unable to eat it. I'm hiking the big miles now, trying to get to PEI as soon as I can, but I'm growing very weak without consuming enough food to fuel my legs. 

August 18
Today I woke up with my stomach cramping. I was so weak I could barely pack up my camp. I walked very slowly, but with determination, in the light rain. I'm trying to put the past behind me. I'm strong, stronger than any obstacle the road can place before me. 


This walk has been so different than I imagined. The biggest lesson I have learned is to take nothing for granted, but most  especially family. Treat them as the greatest gift you will ever have, because they are. Throw away everything for them. Love them fiercely. 

August 19
Very long day! Walked for what seemed like forever, but was actually about 40kms. I'm only about 25kms from the ferry to PEI now! I got lost so many times today on these nameless dirt roads, which I'm learning are a rather indirect route. But they are all I have, so I go on. 


I feel close to tears. Just as I was almost done walking today, a man stopped to give me directions and offered me a dry place to sleep, as well as a tent if I wanted it. I declined, feeling unsteady in my decision. I'm not even sure why I said no. Everything I own is wet and it would be so nice to dry off. Plus I really need a tent. While talking to him, I thought about myself, and what this trip was about. When I left 2 weeks ago, I decided this time wouldn't be like all the others. I wasn't going to rely on people to give me rides, food, shelter. I wasn't even going to allow myself to enjoy in their company. This was my journey of independence. So as lonely and lost as I feel, I know that being alone is what I need right now.


Stomach is sick and cramping today. Had to force down food, but couldn't eat nearly enough. Realizing now that I probably will not have the energy to walk back home after this. 


I feel so very soft and vulnerable today. This walk hasn't made me hard, but very, very soft. I don't want to be alone anymore. Sometimes admitting weakness is the greatest strength. I have spent my whole life trying to prove myself, becoming tougher and tougher, but that is not strength. I want to open to my feminine wisdom and get out of this stubborn need to fight and conquer. I think that's what I came out here to learn, and I didn't know it until right now.

I want to fall down and not fight to get back up. I want to break and crumble and fall apart. I want to own my shyness and my softness and my weakness. That's bravery. That's strength. Not this. 


That was the last day I wrote in my journal. The next morning I woke up very early and pushed my ailing body to walk the remaining 25kms to the ferry to PEI. I was so sick and weak I knew I did not have the energy to even walk around and explore PEI, so I stayed on the boat. When it docked, I sat in the sunshine, watching the seagulls flying around a lighthouse, marvelling at the beauty of the place I had come so far to see. In that moment I knew I would walk no more. I was at peace with the fact, and I was ready to go home.

Back in Nova Scotia, I got a ride with a band who had performed on the boat. I got many rides that day, hitching half of the distance I had walked in those weeks, in only a few hours. The next morning I walked a 10km stretch of road to my Dad's house, where I sit now, reflecting on my walk, and allowing my swollen feet to rest and heal.

In the end, I don't have a precise answer as to what this walk did for me. I feel stronger now, in body, but also in my heart. I feel as if I'll be ok alone, and also so much more grateful for every moment I spend with the people I love.

On my last day walking I thought about the fact that I may never find peace. That I might walk and struggle and fight for all my life, and maybe the best I can do is to just allow that. To stop trying to be ok. To love where I am and who I am. I feel closer to embracing my identity as no one, not needing to have or be anyone to feel complete. Not needing to compete with anyone. Somehow, after all this, I feel more me. More lost and confused and unsure, but home in that. Home in myself.

Pilgrimage

I haven't written here in a very long time, but I felt like writing today and I knew my words belonged here, where I used to find some space from the world. 

Two years ago I wrote a journal entry about a pilgrimage, one which I was too afraid to embark on at the time, which I will share with you: 


"I can feel it strongly today, the urge to leave everything behind and just hit the road, no destination. Maybe it's just the autumn. For me that is always a time for everything to fall away. Peace Pilgrim has inspired me by her journey of faith. I've always been so afraid, convinced it would be crazy for a young woman to just walk this earth alone, nothing and no one to protect her. But if you have love in your heart, and KNOW above everything else that this universe is good, then nothing bad can happen. What is there to fear anyway? Death? Molestation? Violence? I have molested my own mind for so long, have tortured this body. No one can hurt me without my consent- and why would I give it? There is no death to fear. It is a concept made up by humans and we've got it all wrong. Existence is a circle, one which can't be broken. 

The thought of this pilgrimage is very exciting, but also filled with an intense combination of deep despair and grace. It is a decision to leave everything behind, every attachment, every comfort, all security. It is also a decision to embrace reality, god, existence outside of MYSELF. This journey is one of truth, one which I will take in my own name, but with the intention of releasing all names. There's nothing I need to hold onto, and I see myself journeying deep into the the darkness of my mind and facing everything I've been running from for as long as I can remember.   

A map, I thought to myself, I must have a map. But to where? what is my destination? I realized that I didn't have one. So what do I need? Not much. Maybe nothing at all. I keep thinking about finding fruit, about going without, but if I have a strong faith that I will always find just what I need then even that is nothing to fear.

This journey is one I've always known I would take, but somehow I thought it wouldn't be in this lifetime. It seemed so far away. But I feel it getting closer, racing towards me, and it's going to happen as all things in the universe do, without control and always at the right time.

Being a lone wanderer -- I have rejected it for so long, said that it wasn't me, but somehow it keeps finding me. I get lost in people, lose sight of my path and I retreat into myself. I've never been comfortable with my attachments. Alone, I begin to see myself, but when I retreat in the comfort of looking for acceptance through someone else I lose all respect for myself. My path isn't easy and sometimes I run from it, wishing to live as I see many people live, running and hiding, lost in the world of stimulation, waiting for someone to make it ok, but as soon as I live that way it rejects me, tells me that I can't run anymore. Resistance hurts. I just want to let this life unfold as it wants to. There is fear within me, but it's not me. Lately I have felt a separation between the despair and fear I have experienced and my true self. In that there is peace."


Since then I have travelled freely, hitchhiking around the United States, living sometimes with no money at all, sleeping under awnings and trees and stars. A lot of the time I travelled with men, some of whom I loved, some I used only to keep me safe, convincing myself they meant something to me. I lived wrecklessly, always on a race to get to the next place, taking, always taking, and giving very little back. 

Last winter I decided to hang up my hiking boots and go back to Hawaii to try to find some peace within myself. I told myself I wouldn't wander anymore and I would find a place to live in the jungle and try to stop running from myself. I did just that. I got a tiny shack with nothing in it but a wooden platform to sleep on. I had virtually no belongings, and I settled in there with some books and my native american flute, trying to release the fear of being alone with myself. I had done so many things in the previous year which I felt disgusted about myself for. I hurt people I loved. I slept with men I didn't know or care for. I ran away from love and feeling and I abandoned anyone who seemed to see the pain in me. And here I was, alone in the woods, nothing to numb away the person who I'd become. It felt like too much. I felt so lonely and scared. 

I started spending more time in the city, selling jewelry, and mostly just watching people, hoping someone would take me away from myself. Then I met Chris. The story of us is long and still has sharp edges, so I will leave most of it for another day. I immediately transitioned from my inner seeking to becoming obsessed with him. I fell in love with him in a way I never had with anyone and lost myself to him. We decided to be homeless together, often sleeping above a waterfall, living without a need for money, having adventures. There were a lot of hard times, as we had to comprimise a lot and being homeless can be stressful, but somehow we made it work. 

But it ended, as I guess everything has to eventually, and I didn't cope well with it. I saw how much of myself I had put into the relationship, using it as an escape. I realized how selfish I have been, not just with Chris, but with everyone, for a very long time. I've swung from one man to the next, always looking for someone to complete me, to make it ok, but of course no one ever could, and I've always given up who I am in relationships. I've sat here for the past month since Chris and I have broken up, feeling mostly depressed and empty, but every once in a while a little shimmer of something beautiful sneaks in. I know there is so much beauty and I've been cut off from it for fear of feeling pain. 

This morning I was out running and halfway through it started to rain. Immediately thoughts of how terrible it was started to go through my mind. I was feeling irritable, shut off, and so tired I just didn't want to go on anymore. Then I asked myself "what if I didn't resist the rain? What if I didn't resist the pain inside me anymore?" and the question silenced me into an experience of openness. In that moment it started to rain so hard I could barely see and every raindrop felt like pure energy, lighting me up inside. I began to run so fast I felt like I was flying. The energy was no longer restricted or "mine", it was the energy of the universe and it didn't have limits. I got a chance to see how thoughts create our world, and I know it's time I question some of my beliefs.

I've decided it's finally time to go on the pilgrimage that I wrote of. I will take very little, and I won't associate with people or take anything from anyone. This is an inner quest in which I need to walk away from all the people and distractions I've used to keep me from knowing my true self. There are still so many lies I hold within myself which I need to question. I'm very scared, mostly of myself, that I will quit when I got cold and wet and lonely, but I've learned that in life you need to take risks and live without regrets. Better to fail than never to have tried. 

I will walk for a month, to Prince Edward Island, a place that as a little girl always seemed so magical to me. 1000 kilometers. I don't expect it to take all my troubles away. I don't know that I expect very much of it at all. Something about it just feels right and I know I need to go.

New Website

goddessamulets.etsy.com

New Blog

I've started a new blog to continue documenting my experience through this crazy life. Feel free to come check it out :)

http://gypsyspiritjourney.blogspot.ca/

Namaste

Garden of Eden

I haven't blogged in a while, but somehow I noticed that after I had been here about 3 months, my last year's blog entry that I wrote at the 3 month mark of my trip to Hawaii, was republished. I don't know how it happened, but reading it, I noticed how different my experience is this time. I really don't have anything to share, except for my outer experience, which is so much in alignment with this blog, I feel like I need to write about it.

Today I went to the Maku'u farmer's market in the morning and got a rollinia, some chocolate sapotes, and a giant super ripe jackfruit! It was too giant, so massive I could barely move it. I asked the farmer if I could just buy part of it, but he said only if I could find someone who wanted to buy the other part. I walked around, not sure what to do because it smelled so good, and I really wanted jackfruit, but I was on foot(only one good foot since a nail had gone through the other one and I could barely limp my way around.) and would be hitchiking home, with a good chance of walking a very long way. I decided to buy it, and figured the universe would find a way to get me home with this beautiful fruit. As I was paying for it a nice young guy came and asked if I would share it with him, so he bought half from me. We chopped it with a machete and went our separate ways, each with our amazing bounty. I ate as much as I could before leaving the market(and by the way, this was the best jackfruit ever! a soft one, super creamy and so sweet.), and got unbelievably lucky, ending up with a ride all the way home, without needing to wait at all.

Around noon time, my friend Leaf from down the road came to visit and pick some avocados. He brought me all kinds of seedling fruit and veggie plants, and we spent a good while working in my gardens here. Later we went exploring into the jungle, to a place not far from where I live. It was an abandoned fruit orchard, bigger and more bountiful than you can imagine. We filled backpacks with coconuts, oranges, lemons, longans(there were more than we could pick or ever eat, hanging from the branches like clumps of grapes, weighing down the trees.), pomellos, papayas, and so many other fruits just coming into season. There were mass amounts of soursops, which are all becoming ripe, small jackfruits which will be ready in some months, tons of avocado trees which are in blossom, abius, every kind of citrus, and god knows what else. We were only there a short time, and I feel like every tree there was a fruit tree. If I stay here I will never need to buy fruit again. No one knows about this place, and I think I will keep it that way. It was the garden of eden I have always imagined. I think the way my mind is manifesting things here is pretty wild. I dreamed of this place, but never believed it could be real.. The energy there was calm and soothing. Hanging out with Leaf was really fun too, and how could you not have a good time exploring the jungle, eating the best fruits in the world?

This is just a short entry, and quite possibly the last one you'll see for a while, maybe ever. I manifested it all here. This is a fruitarian's paradise, but Kalapana is the site of the active volcano flow. The land here is forcing its lesson on you, that nothing will ever last, that all attachment will cause so much suffering. And it will keep giving you examples of this, it will keep breaking your heart, and taking everything from you, until you learn. This is the harshest environment I have ever lived in. And it sounds funny being that its also the most beautiful, calm, heavenly place I have ever been or feel that I will ever be. But it's not what it seems, not even a little bit. It's God, in your face, with no distractions, nowhere to run. If you're not ready for it, things can be bad. Really bad. There is nothing here, NOTHING, and even though it is everywhere, here you can see it without trying, and your ego will need to cling to a something, to anything, and it can't anymore. The illusion is gone. I don't know what's going to happen. This is deeper than I thought it was possible to go and I'm lost in it, in a sea of darkness, but somehow I know I am home, always. There's something so deep inside of me which feels safe, and it's too deep for me to experience most of the time, but I know it's there. All I need to do now is live. There is nothing else.

Dreams

I didn't think I'd be blogging again for a while, but today I felt that it was time for an update, as so much has changed in the past weeks.

As the winter solstice approached, I could feel a strong energy flowing through me. It was very wild and so powerful. sometimes it took over me. I was filled with a lot of fear and sadness. It really felt like the world was ending at times and my sense of control was completely gone. I felt like this power, which was bigger than anything I had ever experienced, was a part of me, and I began to see that it could do as it pleased with me. The day after the solstice, the energy intensified, but somehow it wasn't troubling me so much. I was learning to flow with it somewhat.

Jewelry I sell at the market

Fresh local durian 

 Ever since then, things have been manifesting in my life, pretty much anything I desire. I began making money selling my jewelry at the farmers market, and now have the job I have always wanted. The people that I live with have been inviting me to Kirtans, and ever since my first time attending, I have felt a deep connection to the people there, the music, the movement. My landlord offered me a new place to live, deep in the jungle. It is a 10 acre fruit farm in Kalapana. There are hundreds of ancient mango trees which fruit year round, bananas, lychee, papayas, eggfruit, and I'm sure so many more. All of the fruit is wasting on the ground and I'm encouraged to eat as much as I want. The house is big and surrounded by coconut trees, which I can drink every day. I found out not long ago that Jaden is coming here to be with me, so we're finally going to be together, in a real way, not just as an in between going from place to place. We have dreamed and dreamed of living in a fruit forest together and it's about to happen! We'll be a short walk from the beach(where we can swim with dolphins and sea turtles), Kalapana farmers market, the lava flow(which you can even see from our land). I'm making more fruitarian friends here, new ones all the time. On New Years day I was just invited to have a durian party with some friends who live in my building here in Hilo. They have a beautiful fruitarian son named Rabbit, and being around him is teaching me a lot. I love learning from the wisdom of babies and children.

Birthday Flowers I received at a Kirtan gathering

With all of these wonderful things manifesting in my outer life, I can see more and more clearly, that none of that is of much importance on my path in this life. The outer doesn't even feel like it really exists. Maybe it doesn't. My work here is within, and lately I have been troubled because I'm feeling my journey here much more strongly. I used to think I was choosing it, but I'm not. I'm realizing that I came here in this body for a reason, and it's not what my mind expects. A part of me so badly just wants to live a simple life in the jungle with Jaden, have children, grow fruit, swim in the ocean, bask in the golden sunlight, but my spirit screams other things at me. Maybe its just a phase. Maybe I can still have that simple life that I want. Or maybe I'm here for other things. There's no way to know I guess. Just let the universe have me, and enjoy the ride.

I've been living off nothing but orange juice for 6 days now. I started on Christmas and wanted to finish after the new year. Just this morning I was telling Jaden that I was thinking of continuing the juice feast for 10 days, just because I am feeling so much clarity, and enjoying the juices so much. But then I went to the market with my friends and they mentioned the New Years Day durian feast and I thought that would be a wonderful way to start the new year, eating the best food on the planet with such glowing souls. I still haven't decided yet though. I'll see how I feel when the day comes. Right now, I have no desire for anything other than orange juice.

This may be my last blog post for some time, not because I don't want to write anymore, but because we're going to be moving to a place without electricity and our plan is to become part of the jungle, connect with Gaia, try to release as much technology from our lives as possible. It's going to be scary to let go of everything we've used to escape from facing our true selves, but we feel ready and excited for this new journey.  I imagine I'll be posting updates from time to time, and lots of photos from our primal jungle adventures.

Now that we're in the midst of this shift, humans are realizing their divine potential. If you want something now, just dream it and see it in your mind and it will be yours. There really are no limitations in life. It's all illusion. We're creating the entire outer world. How do you want it to look?