I've been back in Washington for about a month now, living in Seattle and Bellevue, both cities, both cages. I've found myself becoming more and more lost as time goes by, not just because I've left the woods, but because I have neglected my true self, have spent so much time in the outer world that I've lost connection to reality.
As I've watched myself fall deeper into the darkness that has consumed me for much of my life, I've felt almost incapable of changing my situation. I feel like I've been swimming against the current, fighting the flow of life, trying not to drown. Yesterday I stopped myself in a moment of deep despair and let it have me, no more fighting, nothing to be, nowhere to go. I just sat there and watched it consume me, watched myself drown, and there was no pain, no fear, only a deep relief. After that I felt a sense of stillness within me. It wasn't strong, but I knew just one thing: that there was nothing more I had to say. For so long now I have watched myself speak against that which I know to be true. My mind and words have become poisoned with anger, jealousy, fear, and most of all, JUDGEMENT. I have spoken, looking for words to help me, to give me solace, but my work is within. I didn't expect this to happen. I in no way planned to stop talking, but here I am, letting the universe control my life. There is no control, that is the deep realization that came to me yesterday. We're all trying so hard to control ourselves, our surroundings, the people we love, and that is so stressful, so completely against our nature.
I'm writing this because I don't know when I'll be speaking again. I went to bed last night thinking it would be today, but after sleeping for 12 hours I knew that nothing had changed. I asked myself why I was doing this and I had no idea. It wasn't a conscious choice I made, just something that happened and I feel like the answer is something I have to figure out. Maybe this is a time for me to really think about my life, the path I've been walking, and decide if I'd like to change it. We're supposed to be leaving for Florida in a week, but my heart is pulling me elsewhere. Florida makes sense in every logical way, and to my mind, it is the best option. But this year I promised to listen to my heart, to go wherever it wanted to take me, and right now that is Maui. Sometimes it takes so much strength and faith to do what your heart tells you. I can't say where I'll be in October. Anything could happen this week. All I know is that no matter what, everything will be as it should be. I feel a powerful change coming towards me, something bigger and stronger than I can conceive of, and I can feel that the world is transforming. The universe is changing form and we're all moving with it. And whether we resist it or move with it makes no difference. We're just here for the ride.
